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Some more 2013 films that have hit video:
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
In this dumb re-imagining of the classic fairy tale, even though it feels more like the unwanted spin-off of VAN HELSING, badass Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) head to a town for their latest job as monster mercenaries. There, they are tasked with locating the town's missing children, only to find out the kids are the key ingredients for a major witch rally. Despite its large appetite for bodily destruction and inventive weaponry, the film is a slog and often more miserable than entertaining. Practically of the world's humanity is shown to be murder first, no questions asked; it's like the makers want us to cheer for the witches to win. But its most insulting element is that it positions Gretel as this mighty warrior yet she is always beaten up, knocked out, and later rescued by a male. Famke Janssen is the only one able to bring some much needed lightness to the picture as the slightly campy villainess but even she can't completely save this from burning your wallet.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
Movie 43
A humongous cast of talented actors are dispersed into 13 comedic sketches, nearly all of which come from a deranged movie screenwriter (Dennis Quaid) trying to pitch to an emasculated film executive (Greg Kinnear) in the wrap-around. No laughs at all. Everyone behind the camera shares the blame for this travesty, with the most residing on the two hacks who wrote nearly half of the sketches (Rocky Russo and Jeremy Sosenko). Every segment is just a filthy SNL sketch that wouldn't air on NBC, let alone pass the table read, nor on MADtv if it still existed. They all have only one joke repeated nonstop, whether it's balls, mental abuse, scatology, talking dirty, fornicating electronics, bad dates, bad PSAs, periods, physical abuse, humiliation, being black, or bestiality. Women are treated horribly and sexually debased but that is to be expected for this type of unbearable frat humor. The MVP has to go to Elizabeth Banks, who stars in one gig and directs another sketch that is the only one that is slightly bad. The runner-ups are Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber, who try to extract the potential comedy in a lame piece about home-schooling. As for James Duffy, who crafted the embarrassingly under-produced set about superheroes at a speed dating center, he needs to be arrested by a truant officer because his extracurricular activities is hampering his high school studies.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
The Last Exorcism Part II
This is not supposed to be released in theaters; this is the type of sequel that usually is released and buried in the realm of DTV. Ashley Bell returns to her breakthrough role as Nell, the timid underage girl who was "demon possessed" in the first film but was actually being used by other devious forces in an ending no one should speak of again. She is now sent off to a halfway home for troubled girls and tries to create a new life for herself, only for weird things to happen all over New Orleans. Removed of the found footage gimmick of the preceding movie, which also wasn't a good idea for THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, the makers wanted to make a psychological thriller, as evident by the several rips from THE BLACK SWAN. However, nothing ever registers as true terror because of the flatter-than-flat pacing, the stale cinematography, and an abundance of jump scares. Not even TV's Mike Franks (Muse Watson) can draw some sympathy for Nell's new plight. And just when you think the last film had a terrible finale, this entry one-ups it thanks to the usage of stunt rag-dolls and baby's first CGI work. Just to blow your mind, this film cost more than double the budget of THE LAST EXORCISM.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
The Call
911 operator Halle Berry unfortunately causes one of her callers to be noticed and killed by a deranged serial killer roaming over L.A. She steps down for awhile in order to train the newest batch of candidates but finds herself back in the chair when another teenager (Abigail Breslin) is in danger. The film has a nice simple yet urgent suspense; thanks to the direction of journeyman Brad Anderson, it effectively shows the pains of trying to give aid to someone only through sound. It also displays some of the problems that come with the job, such as the unwarranted risk of good samaritans and the fact that once the call is cut off, their deed is done and no result is later given to the operator. Both Berry and Breslin do some mighty fine work as their characters, making you feel for these two unfortunate souls. The film even benefits the WWE Films name, giving professional wrestler David Otunga, a guy who has no heat or charisma in the ring, a charming gig as Morris Chesnutt's cop partner. However, the film's giant derailment comes at its third act, when the cops have to act stupid in order for Berry herself to solve the mystery. This then cumulates with an ending that feels hallow and completely out of place with everything set up. The finale might be the viewer's last straw but for myself, I give it a slap on the wrists. I just remember that the movie follows the Meat Loaf principle; two of out three acts ain't bad.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
Jack the Giant Slayer
Farmer-boy Jack meets cute with the princess before she is spirited away on a beanstalk, thanks to the magic beans he got from a monk. He and the kingdom's knights head up to rescue her, all the while the king's advisor tries to take over the throne. Originally titled JACK THE GIANT KILLER, since it shares some of the elements of the fairy tale and the 1962 film, it was changed for the kiddies and families that were destined to attend it. This despite the fact that "slay" is more graphic than "kill" and that everyone within the film keeps congratulating Jack for killing giants. Warner Bros also wanted to added the more popular "Jack and the Giant Beanstalk" fable to the movie's story but to no avail; no matter what they or director Bryan Singer do, the film is still a pathetic disaster. It has confusing tonal shifts from dumb, childish buffoonery to violent and gory horror; one minute, a giant is picking its nose and farting and the next has another giant munching a screaming, flailing man. Even if one tone was selected, it still wouldn't overcome the tedious script and the ugly CGI work. All of the actors are either bored and complacent (Ian McShane, Nicholas Hoult), campy as can be (Ewan McGregor and Stanley Tucci), or the most annoying presence ever to be tolerated (Ewen Bremner). What makes the movie ever more distressing is its audacity to try and copy the PIRATES franchise, what with the casting of Bill Nighy as the head giant, a MacGuffin that can control the villains into doing a person's bidding, and social prejudices when it comes to love and marriage. Taxing at its best, abysmal at its worst, the film is a paltry affair to sit through.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
We finally have a worthy popcorn flick of the summer. PACIFIC RIM can best be called the TOP GUN for the nerd generation. It has a big world to explore and anime to match up with, treating us to some interesting people and lifestyles, yet it still wants to feature some of Hollywood's usual action tropes, such as The Maverick, The Iceman, and the always popular father-son problems. There are many life or death battles between the mighty giant robots and the grotesque creatures that plague the titled region and they are all thrilling. Each of the robots have a signature weapon or move that will have your kid replicating later, which are expertly built up for tension before being unloaded with great force to a monster's abdomen. Make sure to see this at your best movie theater; the sound editing is pitch-perfect in making these blows feel and roar like thunder and lightning. The fights can be a bit too distracting to the viewer's eye, what with the unrelenting rainfall and ocean spillage or the constant jolting, shaky camera approach to the duo-pilot control room. Still, it's a very fun explosion of giant warfare and mecha destruction, hand-delivered by geek auteur Guillermo del Toro.
A portal to another dimension has turned up in the Pacific Ocean, spewing forth a motley crew of GAMERA rejects, dubbed not-so-subtly "Kaiju". The only logical defense against these soulless creatures are the "Jaegers", giant robots that can be only operated by two pilots with perfect brain synchronization. A pilot can not operate the machine solo, since the mental stress can literally kill them or cause them to "chase the rabbit", so each of the two only can use one side of their membrane. Raleigh (Charlie Hunnam) is one of the "rock star" pilots whose fame comes from his high kill count and excellent robot mobility, thanks in large part to his co-pilot/brother and their robot Gipsy Danger. However, despite the success of the Jaegers, the world once again begins to fall apart. The incoming invaders have learned to adapt, rising higher in the dangerous category rankings, and many of the star pilots have been vanquished in battle, including Raleigh's brother. After seven years of untold destruction, the U.N. shuts down the Jaeger program due to dwindling results. Instead, they put all of their funding into legitimately building a giant wall around the coasts that will surely not fail. Commander Pentecost (Idris Elba) re-directs the remaining mech forces to Hong Kong, to establish "The Resistance" and to close the portal with one last-ditch effort. He needs Raleigh's cooperation to command the re-built Gipsy and find a suitable co-pilot candidate, possibly even Pentecost's adopted daughter Mako (Rinko Kikuchi), who also has bad memories preventing her from bonding to the machine and another partner.
As stated, the film does hit upon the usual cliches favored by Hollywood, so be ready to see a lot of shots of quiet, somber, running or cheering crowds. But the script by del Toro and Travis Beacham tends to favor world-building, dwelling or having a brief notice of topics that would come up within a monster-filled world: Despite global peace with all nations, the U.N. has become a unstable, penny-pinching bureaucracy. The rich have paid their way to now reside in comfort in the fly-over states. People still choose to live in coastal cities like Hong Kong due to major factors like a newly created religion that see the Kaiju as God's sign or the economically booming black market of Kaiju organs, livers, and even their dung. In other words, what WORLD WAR Z left out. Also, the remaining robots all come from nations that are known for boffo box office returns. The screenwriters craft such an expansive realm of characters and ideas that it does unfortunately get to be too big for a two and a quarter hour theatrical cut. Raleigh and Mako's stories take up the first half but they then get shunted to the back in the second half, where the focus resides more on the other pilots and two bumbling scientists whose on-going subplot does figure in heavily much later. This story misdirection hurts the interracial lead romance the film has playfully been building up to; the two future pilots meet cute, spend some quality time, and then call it a day, never ever getting to finally go to the prom. Expect a longer director's cut once on video.
Next to all of the big kaiju battles, the cast is highly entertaining. It's great to see Hunnam up on the big screen again. He gets to display his vast innate charm not seen since NICHOLAS NICKLEBY. Kikuchi also thankfully gets to shine the screen with her rough yet shy demeanor. Del Toro favorite Ron Pearlman has a memorable small role as a black marketer, Max Martini and Robert Kazinksy play well off each other as an Australian father/son duo, Clifton Collins Jr. turns head with his fashionable mech engineer, and the comedic stylings of Charlie Day and Burn Gorman, as a kaiju expert and a mathematician respectively, bring some much needed laughs to the picture that doesn't come from pulse checks and a Newton's cradle. In spite of all that, it is Elba who is the real star of the picture. As the Captain Okita of this rag-tag mecha group, he has the quiet charisma necessary to lead and order everyone around while also being a complete badass that would have kaiju running away in fright. His talking down speech to Raleigh about being "the fixed point, the last man standing" is incredibly magnetic.
It may not challenge the way we view the world, advance the industry in any way except for CGI effects, but PACIFIC RIM is a too good to be true blockbuster. It features a world racked with danger and universal misery yet its heroes never give up or let anything bring them down. They soldier on, seeking the world to be finally rid of these colossal pests and their ever evolving bodily weaponry. Grab a popcorn, crank up the noise, and sit back.
FINAL REVIEW: 4 / 5
MONSTERS UNIVERSITY is the most soul-destroying movie Pixar has ever assembled, which says a lot considering the stinging film moments they have devised in the past to wring tears out of its patrons. I frankly really liked the movie at times, drawn into its imaginative world of creature colleges and accepting this prequel to MONSTERS, INC. that really didn't need to be told. Yet, the makers constantly wanted to ruin the fun, slopping on more misery for its lead monsters to endure and never, ever be able to overcome. This is Pixar's Death of a Salesman, proclaiming to the kids in the audience that the Little Engine may think he can but he really can't and he should stop trying. After all, he is just a little train.
Mike Wazowski (voiced again by Billy Crystal) has always wanted to be a professional "scarer", ever since he was a cute little green ball going on school field trip to the Monsters, Inc. factory. Hitting the books and devoting all of his child and teenage time to learning its practice, he is later accepted into Monsters University as a scare major. Though he is a pint-sized, nerdy outcast and mocked by others, he does not let any of that negativity affect his passion and dreams. At this higher learning, he develops a love-hate friendship with Mike Sully (returning John Goodman), a dim-witted but intimidating jock who is clearly riding on his family's name in the business. When some major setbacks cost them their future in the program, they both team up with the lowly fraternity of Oozma Kappa ("We're OK!") in order to win the Scare Games, a competition with other more popular fraternities and sororities, and succeed on their bet with the Dean of the scare school, Abigail Hardscrabble (Helen Mirren). However, bad things continue to happen and the third act sours any hope.
This is a movie that has a hard time sticking to one tone. It first engages the viewer with the life of a monster campus, showing off the colorful range of different beasts and the structure of the majors they seek to earn diplomas for. Then, the film just halts this plot so it can regurgitate REVENGE OF THE NERDS, having the slobs of Oozma Kappa face off against shallow blondes and the collar-popping male elite. Once it reaches its logical and exciting final contest in the Scare Games, the story again quickly curbs its development in order to move towards a plot line where the leads sit around wallowing in melancholy while in a dangerous environment. Though I loved the aspects of the first act the most, the makers do not create an accurate or fair college setting. For example, a couple of characters are much later expelled for their devious actions and it completely justifiable. However, there's a moment where all of the other surviving teams pull a CARRIE prank on the Oozmas, throwing paint and glitter on them to make them "cute", and then further employ cruel humiliation by plastering a picture of them all over the Quad, on a giant poster hung over a bell tower, and on t-shirts they are selling for "charity". Where is the discipline for this? Why do I have to watch the innocent suffer?
The film also kinda advocates racism, especially in the institutionalized sense. Mike is forcibly kicked out of the scare program specifically because Dean Hardscrabble judges him entirely on his exterior appearance, deeming him to be too cute to ever creep out anyone. First off, fear is entirely subjective; anything can be frightening to an individual, whether it is a bug, water, or even a Precious Moments figurine. Hell, one of my aunts literally bolts out of the room every time someone puts their own arm around the back of their neck. Secondly, if a monster's appearance is such a problem, what happened when Mike possibly had to have a personal interview for a position as a major? Did he ace that along with his extensive personal knowledge? Third, how is that Mike and his non-existent parents who are paying his way through the school are not suing the university of every dime for this intolerance? This is beyond excusable, made even worst by the fact that Mike has to and does accept his failure at being a physically monstrous candidate. Mind you even that everybody in this entire universe can be described as cute, including the old superstar scarers seen later. You wanna spoil yourself and know what are the truly scary monsters in this film? All of the human figures. Seriously, there is a gaggle of little children at the end and they were all constructed horribly, like watching dead-eyed dolls with rotten meat stapled to their animation rigs.
The voice cast is delightful, especially Joel Murray as a friendly middle-age student, but has a major problem with its leads. Mike and Sully are supposed to be 18 years old by the film's logic and their actors are clearly way too old to be playing them, most definitely in the case with Goodman. The jokes are very funny and will stick with you, the callbacks and foreshadowing are cute at best, plus you get an amusing little short film of umbrellas looking for love on a rainy and breathtakingly realistic city street. I truly wish to love this more but I morally can't give it high points. If only this film would stop with all of its unending malaise. To make this movie even more sad, it's a bit distressing that we are watching characters wishing to be scarers when as we later see in the first film that the job has a finite history and will lead to diminishing energy returns.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
A shock to the video game world, Ryan Davis of Giant Bomb fame has died. He was 34 years old.
Davis, a video game journalist who started at Gamespot before leaving to co-found Giant Bomb, brought much warmth to his job. He was known for his energetic conversations on the site's weekly podcast, his hosting duties during the weekly live online shows, and his humorous touch to Quick Looks video series.
He will sorely be missed.
Last year's The Walking Dead video game, now dubbed Season 1 for the newly established franchise, was a major hit with critics and fans of the television show and comics. It also thankfully helped the popular niche company of Telltale Games in saving the "point and click" adventure genre. Thanks to the success, but more importantly the drive for gamers to help save the psyche of a little girl through the zombie apocalypse, Season 2 is under development. The company has thrown a bone to eagerly awaiting players with the short expansion pack/season bridge 400 Days.
The game is a non-linear jump through five different viewpoints, all of whom have a connection with a truck stop diner right off a major highway. Each story takes place at a certain number of days into the zombie outbreak and you are then given a special coda that might tie in with the future franchise installments. The real joy of the game comes from this time displacement, as things that pop up and/or appear in the background in one chapter have a connection with another. For instance, one story has its main character briefly seeing two other important leads running away just outside his window. Whether you replay the entire game, which clocks in about 90 minutes, or read online about the connections you missed, it is a game that will constantly shock and delight you. Of course, if you can't handle it, you can go through the chapters in chronologically order with a little help from guides. Those looking for allusions from season one will find one memorable location and a certain group making special encores, with the former having a creepy easter egg/achievement.
As with the first season, you often have to make crucial decisions that will affect your character, their relationships, and later their future. Those picks are then included into the famed online stats at the end of the game, which will show whether you match up with the general opinion of players. As of the time of this writing, however, all of the stats are currently glitched and have an impossible 50/50 split. Thanks to the talented writing staff, what button you chose to press will always bring grave consequences. One chapter relies solely on a callback to the infamous start of the second episode but instead has you deciding this memorable horrific fate between two people instead of one. Your choice depends on the characterization you have experienced beforehand, whether someone with a despicable reputation is truly telling the truth about his past mistakes or he deserves to be punished instead of the other individual. Shades of gray is the name of the game for this series, as allies may have a lovable warm charm but are completely unhinged or too weak to survive.
The game is of course well-made, retaining the look and feel of the first season but the comic book aesthetic has taken a noticeable dip. It earns some well-planned scares and features a pretty harrowing sequence set in a cornfield. It also knows when to have a brief break into some black comedy, such as how one decision might rely on the outcome of a certain popular social game. The voice acting is again top notch, with the best coming from the Wyatt chapter. And for five bucks, you can't go wrong.
FINAL REVIEW: 4 / 5
I can not accurately say that THIS IS THE END is the funniest movie about the apocalypse; that acclaimed title will probably fall to the "That's Armageddon!" short from THE KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE. But it is a riotous comedy amid the riots of people running for cover and safety from a wide range of dangers and creatures spawned by the end of days. This ultra-form of black humor is easily digestible for sensible stomaches thanks to its rich cast of comedic actors, all of whom are technically playing a version of themselves. So, when a flock of celebrities are killed off in one fell swoop or picked off one by one, you can feel at ease that this is another diabolical yet funny swipe at the vapidness of Hollywood and the dark history of Los Angeles.
Jay Baruchel flies into LAX to hang out with his best buddy Seth Rogen for the weekend. Not to keen with the pretentious nature of the city or rubbing elbows with fellow actors, Jay is dragged along to a party being held by James Franco. Though he's fine with Jay's presence, Franco clearly wants to usurp his bond to Rogen and be closer in their friendship. In other words, Franco wants Rogen to be a freak like him and leave Jay at the table of geeks. Massive disasters and unexplainable phenomenons occur, eliminating many of the glorious cameos present at the party, leaving the three plus Jonah Hill, Craig Robinson, and Danny McBride to fend for themselves. That is, if they can get off their lazy asses and come up with life-saving plans beyond making a sequel to PINEAPPLE EXPRESS and deciding who gets the lone surviving Snickers bar.
The vast majority of the jokes relish on the past acting history of the main characters, most often being their famous failures. So, if you don't get the snickering at the presence of a prop from FLYBOYS, you're missing out on a lot of the material. Though this insular nature will be off-putting for many of the general audience, the film works because of the clearly seen commitment and camaraderie between the actors, as they follow the script and direction by Rogen and Evan Goldberg or improvise with distinct flair. I can't really exposit more about this film without giving away more of its surprises, from the veiled gags from the cameos to the kill order to the unexpected finale. Take a chance on it, regardless of your level of encyclopedic knowledge of the gang's history together, and you might find yourself laughing at their cruel pain.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
I remember vividly the disappointment I had watching Steven Spielberg's take on THE LOST WORLD as a kid, one day after I finally finished reading the original Michael Crichton novel. Of course, nowadays I don't have a fond opinion of either, thanks to the quickly dwindling creative talent of Crichton, but that moment in the theaters always stick with me as my first taste of sloppy book adaptations to film. Now, I have the latest entry in this sour genre. WORLD WAR Z, as a movie itself, is an entertaining horror-show journey around the world. As a book adaptation, of the popular niche zombie novel by Max Brooks, however, it's at the very bottom, falling past the John Ford classic THE GRAPES OF WRATH and splatting itself right next to the "happy ending" of Roland Joffé's THE SCARLET LETTER. Sure, there are films that steer away from their literary source and become masterpieces (THE SHINING) but this film was another LOST WORLD for me, even though I will gladly watch this any day over that tripe.
Instead of a lengthy chronicle of how zombies ravaged our planet, all from different viewpoints, the film just sticks close to Brad Pitt. He plays a former UN investigator who now relishes spending time with his wife (Mireille Enos) and his two young girls, all in the same setup that started off Zack Snyder's DAWN OF THE DEAD. Sitting through a complete traffic jam within Philadelphia, they eventually are forced to bolt from an invading crowd of people attacking other humans. They are technically zombies, of the running kind popularized by Danny Boyle, but they don't seek out brains and tear the flesh off of anyone. Instead, once an infected person bites a living individual, they transfer the disease into their bloodstream; literally ten seconds later, that person becomes another addition to the undead flock. So, in other words, they still continue to follow the template devised in 28 DAYS LATER. Why not just call this 28 MONTHS LATER? Anyway, Pitt and his family are later rescued by his friends in the UN. Unfortunately, Pitt needs to help them find a cure from various world sources or else his wife and kids will have to risk being sent back into the zombie wild.
Except for the minor remarks about "rabies", the only thing that comes straight from the text in perfect condition is most of the scenario involving Israel. As in the book, they are the only country who took heed to the scientific reports about a possible zombie outbreak, thanks to their "Tenth Man" policy, and began to create a walled-off civilization for themselves and those of Muslim faith who wished to return to their original homes. The big change to this scenario is its ending: Pitt and a small crew of soldiers have to deal with a rush of zombies, who figured out that they can comically make a human ladder to get over the walls. I understand this change because after all, I currently sitting through something designed for mass consumption and high popcorn sales. It's just a little sad that one of the few chances of hope in the book has been remodeled to be another depressing affair.
Despite these misgivings with the adaptation, the movie is fairly stable and entertaining to behold. It seems all of that publicity of creative differences and budgetary problems were for naught. Each major set-piece is expertly planned out, giving us a chance to breathe in the tension and frights. It's quite clever how they worked around the journalistic aspects of the book by having their original character play as our eyes and ears, being transported to several countries and overhearing other people's horror stories. Even the twists come as slick surprises, most notably a genius use of magazines and duct tape. However, though the switch from bloodthirsty creatures to bacteria-spreading, feral animals is justifiable, the lack of gore is quite perplexing, particularly when one character loses an arm.
Pitt isn't very expressive during nearly all of the trials and tribulations but he does feature a soulful presence, constantly fearful of cracking under the pressure and/or never seeing his loved ones again. Since we jump from country to country, we get to experience some small delights in the form of extras and supporting players. For instance, James Badge Dale has a brief, noteworthy role as a macho soldier watching over the quiet road to North Korea. But it is an unknown actress who really grabs the spotlight for all of its worth: Daniella Kertesz pops in as an Israeli ally to Pitt during the film's second half. Reckless and driven to fight back even after some harsh punishments, she has a quiet, deep friendship with the American stranger who pulled her from the despair.
If you are like myself, previously enamored with the fiction of Max Brooks, you'll hopefully forgive the makers for their blasphemy to the text quickly in order to sit back to enjoy the crowd-pleasing, zombie festivities. That is, of course, if you're not a zombie purist, forever rueing the day Boyle displayed the running dead on the big screen.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
