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Killdozer (1974)
Yeah, I know, not exactly a horror classic to watch on Halloween but that's what happens when you're busy with work and parties. A bulldozer hits a giant meteorite, causing it to emit a blue light and seemingly transfer an alien soul into the construction vehicle. It then goes on a rampage, picking off a small group of workers one by one. KILLDOZER is best remembered to this day for it ridiculously awesome title, which has helped make it one of the most memorable TV movies from the 70s boom. However, anyone who has ever watched it certainly knows that it not only doesn't live up to the shallow hype but it's actively a boring watch, even with a 73 minute running time. Character actors Clint Walker, Neville Brand, and Robert Ulrich just deliver the bland dialogue as stiff as a man who has taken four Viagra pills. The direction is flat and the action is pitiful to say the least, often featuring the dozer slowly wrecking havoc and the human characters performing absolutely stupid actions like crawling into a loose pipe or keep sitting in a car. Also, the possessed vehicle somehow understands the methods of human survival and is able to sneak up on his prey multiple times, despite lumbering around like a mechanical sloth and emitting noise and ground vibrations. You're better off reading the original novella than sitting through this.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
Rifftrax Live!: Anaconda (2014)
I just got back from the event, so you're getting my initial impressions. Broadcasted live in select theaters through Fathom Events, the Rifftrax crew returned to the big screen to do a thorough ribbing on the 1997 B-movie ANACONDA. If you compare the show to their previous live events, it's certainly a lesser comedic showing from Mike, Bill, and Kevin but it still delivered plenty of laughs. The show kicked off with the timely short "Halloween Party", where the titled event only comes at the very end and it's pretty pitiful. Most of the jokes center around its strange protagonist, the vicious-looking German Shepherd who saves a Ron-Howard-looking kid from a lifetime of the embarrassment by destroying his paper bag mask of a cat-man thingy. To make lemonade out of lemons, his mother dresses him up as, and I quote, "Lady Scarecrow". A very weird short that helps kick off the festivities. The trio then followed that up with a couple of announcements: another event in December to re-do the MST3K favorite SANTA CLAUS and another television special on the National Geographic Channel. Their preview for the latter was some riffing of the show "Man V. Monster"; they mercilessly destroyed it back on April Fool's Day and they once again here targeted the bullshitting Englishman and his stupid journey to find mythical creatures that do not exist at all. When the deadly monster was revealed as possibly being a snake, the guys then segued into the main feature, but not before Bill flubbed humorously by saying that it starred Jennifer Lawrence. The majority of the time was spent on heavily mocking Jon Voight's infamous accent and utterly bizarre mugging. However, the biggest guffaws came from sex jokes, whether it was when Eric Stoltz "flashed" Jennifer Lopez, the running gag of Owen Wilson being horny, or Ice Cube freaking out at the possibility of a fish entering through his dick. Personally, I've always enjoyed this creature feature, haters be damned, yet I still had a fun night watching it be torn to shreds.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
Sleepwalkers (1992)
Stephen King wanted to do something really special for his first screenplay written for the screen. Maybe he first thought about doing a werewolf feature but knew he would have a hard time topping Joe Dante and John Landis' visions, giving them cameos in the eventual film instead. Then one stormy night, he got his brilliant idea: werecats. Not just any werecats but werecats that are incestuous, need virgin blood to survive, can cloak themselves and objects somehow, have unexplainable psychic powers, and look like giant fetuses in their true form. He followed all of this up with their one true weakness: a scratch from a normal cat! By this point, you can probably tell that SLEEPWALKERS is a gloriously stupid disasterpiece. King spun out a ultra weird world where nothing makes any sense and director Mick Garris heightened the strangeness and cheap quality by shooting the film on studio backlots. However, the real issue with the picture is that it's never scary; there are several shots of an ever-expanding collection of cats surrounding the werecats' house and the only human response to it is sheer laughter. If you drop your taste buds and let the bad acting talent of Brian Krause, the tortuous dialogue, the crappy one-liners, and the dumb kills flow all over you, you will surely have a blast with the film. To be fair, there are a couple things that save it as a serious film, such as Mädchen Amick's perkiness, Alice Krige's slow-burn insanity, and a soundtrack that contains "Sleepwalk" and Enya's "Boadicea" (aka the beat to Fugees' "Ready or Not"). Nevertheless, this one stinks oh so good.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
Q - The Winged Serpent (1982)
The mythical Azteca god Quetzalcoatl is rampaging the rooftops and skyline of NYC, that is when people actually come into contact with it or able to spot the giant flying lizard. The superbeast may have to do with some human sacrifice-like murders that are being investigated by two cops (David Carradine, Richard Roundtree), but the only one who can truly save the city is a money-hungry wiseguy (Michael Moriarty). Cult film director Larry Cohen definitely knows how to make a cheeky low-budget monster movie and keep the action going. The movie instantly starts off with a window-washer getting a fly-by decapitation and goes full blown gonzo from there, producing a gruesome flailed corpse and even a precursor scene of RESERVOIR DOGS. The movie has an absolute breezy tone to it, often juxtapositioning the monster's terror with random New Yorkers shooting the shit or being mildly inconvenienced by the creature. The innate humor can even be easily seen by gleaming the title; knowing that many potential viewers would have a hard time pronouncing the bird's name at the ticket booth, and shown with Carradine's own struggle to say it and still be seen as a serious detective, Cohen simplified it to just a letter (the subtitle was added later to further help identification) and tied it with a clever tagline. Of course, there are times where the lightness of the plot doesn't generate much momentum or suspense, such as when the authorities locate the serial killer, and the special effects are very outdated and crudely made. But you can forgive those shortcomings, especially with the witty rapport among the actors. The only actor capable of being as deliciously showy as the stop-motion lizard is Moriarty, who does a great job layering his character with different dimensions, making you laugh at him one minute, annoy you the next, and then either break your heart or go absolutely cold. Give this enjoyably absurd film about an absurdly named diety a watch.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell (1987)
Not to sound like a cranky old man but back in the day, before the internet was everywhere, you couldn't really find or learn about many rare horror movies beyond a lucky cassette at the video store or in a movie book/magazine/fanzine. Finding footage of it or a trailer was even more of a pickle. Released in 1987, MAD RON'S PREVUES FROM HELL would have certainly been one of the few dream rentals, a true horror buff's golden idol during the video boom. The independent direct-to-VHS movie is a compilation of horror trailers and TV spots, from the iconic "It's only a movie..." preview for THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT to the obscurely artsy cut of CARNAGE (aka BAY OF BLOOD) to pure junk like THE GHASTLY ONES. It's a hour and half soaked in vicious slashers, theatre gimmicks, graphic gore, blood spills, freaks, corpses, and plenty of spoilers. And it's all preserved in that glorious tracking-heavy SP quality, even on DVD and streaming. To push the running time, the makers added some shot-on-video segments with a movie buff and his zombie puppet, cracking lame jokes and doing bits while making sure to sedate the large group of zombies who have invaded their movie theater. While all this might sound like a perfect video to air continuously during your Halloween party, this strictly is for hardcore fans only. Not only is there a lot of movie viscera throughout, there is some footage of real animal killings and dead human bodies sadly sprinkled in, mostly from the utterly distasteful AFRICA: BLOOD AND GUTS. Then there's the weird ones, like the necrophiliac LOVE ME DEADLY and non-applicable porno WILDCAT WOMEN IN 3D. Plus, there's one trailer that is nothing more than a seizure-inducer. Though I won't blame you for fast-forwarding through these nightmare fuels, the rest of the movie is worthy of a watch for those who seek the grindhouse experience. Also, do not check out its 25-years-in-the-making sequel CELLULOID BLOODBATH; it's very boring and is more of an interview clipshow than a bundle of trashy trailers.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
Return of the Killer Tomatoes! (1988)
Taking place several years after the first film aka "The Great Tomato War", evil mad scientist Prof. Gangreen (John Astin) experiments on the banned fruit/vegetable in order to create an army of tomato-Rambos and take over the world. But he's distracted and distraught by the disappearance of his human-tomato assistant Tara, who with a fuzzy tomato named F.T. shacks up with a pizza maker, who just so happens to be the nephew of war hero Wilbur Finletter. I'm actually a fan of the infamous cult film ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES! and I have always enjoyed this, the first sequel to a franchise that would have otherwise stopped after the first one. The majority of the horror-comedy's jokes are self-referential, constantly poking fun at the film's low budget, the quality of its storytelling, and its basement-level special effects. In its most famous moment, the film literally stops and the makers go on camera to argue about how to keep the project going; the only solution, as thought up by George Clooney (yes, that one), is rampant product placement. Cut to a gluttony of winking and pandering to products like Pepsi and Corn Flakes. The one who generates the best laughs is Olympic Gold Medal Winner Steve Lundquist, who plays Gangreen's other assistant Igor, who's actually a would-be news reporter that prays at the altar of Diana Sawyer. Now, of course, this B-movie buffoonery can't glean over the movie's faults, with the biggest issue being that it never really focuses on Gangreen nor establishes him as a big threat until the last act. Plus, the weird nonsensical humor and hard-to-swallow premise will have the easily offended quickly turning it off. Results will certainly vary on this film, so you can take my high review grade with a grain of salt (get it?).
FINAL REVIEW: 4 / 5
White Zombie (1932)
A soon-to-wed couple vacationing in Haiti come into contact with a voodoo priest (Bela Lugosi), who wishes to add the pure-white bride to his collection/army of "the living dead". Though more well known nowadays as the inspiration for the name of the 90s metal band fronted by Rob Zombie, WHITE ZOMBIE was the first full-blown horror movie to explore and utilize the concept of a zombie. Here, the undead creature is still associated with its roots in voodoo and supernatural beliefs, acting more as an unexpressive goon/toy for Lugosi instead of the later popular view of a rotting cannibal. For the most part, the movie draws a lot of scares and creeps from its unsettling sights. The best of director Victor Halperin's ideas are the recurring image of Lugosi's intense stare, which certainly makes a grand entrance into the picture, and a ghastly human-like screech from a vulture. Also, since the movie came out before the strict enforcement of the Hays Code, it matches the haunting sets and dark lighting with twisted sexual themes and grim violence. But not everything truly works in this horror classic, such as the severely lackluster main protagonist and the all-around bad acting (excluding Lugosi of course!). It also suffers from moments where you can't exactly figure out what's going on, like when Lugosi just stands there doing his finger thingy in front of his opponents, even though he has no zombies left to throw at them. However, the biggest issue with watching the film was its public domain print, which contained several jump cuts that ruined several important and impressively shot scenes. Still, if you really want to watch the grandfather of the zombie genre and see one of the icons of horror in a different sinister role, look no further than this.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
