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JUPITER ASCENDING had a few interesting ideas but The Wachowskis again squander the film's potential by possessing rampant cribbing of better sci-fi movies, lackluster performances, boring visuals, and the sheer dumb idea of accepting Mila Kunis as an ugly duckling. It also made me loathe Eddie Redmayne's Oscar win ever more.
First movie of the new year! Thought it would be the new Michael Mann film or the highly anticipated kinky thriller, only to instead settle with a kooky sci-fi flop.
Now to keep going and at least beat last year's first-three-months score of seeing three films!
Want to find out what movies are heading to Netflix Streaming? I got your back.
Upcoming Netflix Streaming Titles
2/27 - House of Cards (Season 3), Ralph May: Unruly
3/1 - Beverly Hills Cop, Black Sheep, The Brothers Grimm, Evelyn, Event Horizon, Finding Neverland, Frankie and Johnny, Grease 2, Groundhog Day, Mercy Rule*, Patch Adams, Paycheck, Point Blank (2010), The Prince & Me, Rules of Engagement, Teen Witch, Three Days of the Condor, Top Gun
3/5 - The ABCs of Death 2*, Food Chains
3/6 - Aziz Ansari Live at MSG, My Own Man, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Netflix Original Series)
3/9 - After the Fall, The Angriest Man in Brooklyn, Cesar Chavez, The Single Moms Club
3/10 - Life of Riley
3/11 - How To Train Your Dragon 2
3/17 - Dummy, You're Not You*
3/19 - Life Itself
3/20 - Bloodline (Netflix Original Series), God's Not Dead
3/21 - The Green Prince
3/23 - The November Man*
3/27 - Frankie & Alice
3/31 - Ask Me Anything*, The Man with the Iron Fists*
4/1 - Unbreakable
4/14 - The Babadook
5/8 - Grace and Frankie (Netflix Original Series)
What to Watch This Week
Most will be bing-watching the latest full season of House of Cards this weekend. Others will be desperately trying to watch any titles that are set to expire on Sunday, including yours truly. We are getting a lot of popular fare at the start of March (including some that are still unknown and unlisted here), so you'll have plenty to re-watch again. Also, though I just wasted a DVD rental on it and wasn't completely blown away, I do give a recommendation for The ABCs of Death 2. It has some noticeable duds but it's overall better than the first one and several of the shorts are pretty killer. Spoiler: Astron-6's "Wish" is the absolute best.
New Streaming Titles I Previously Forgot to Mention
New Zealand kicked off their streak of cult horror comedies with last year's Housebound; The psychological superheroine thriller The Scribbler; Cartoon Network unleashed several more seasons of their popular shows, like The Powerpuff Girls, Chowder, Courage the Cowardly Dog, The Boondocks, and Uncle Grandpa; and if and your kids are sick of re-watching the awful sequels it spawned, the original Alpha and Omega movie is back on the platform.
I'll see you again next Friday.
Been awhile since I did one of these. Sorry about that. Anyway, since everyone's talking about CM Punk's butt right now, let's look at his "debut" in the WWE.
At this point in time in 2005, CM Punk was huge in the wrestling world, thanks to his epic trilogy with Samoa Joe in Ring of Honor. The WWE finally decided to take notice of the straight-edger and immediately asked him to do a tryout match. However, instead of an usual singles match where he would be jobbed out to one of the federation's C-List talent, he was placed in a tag team match.
His assigned partner was Russell Simpson, aka Psycho Simpson. I literally have nothing on him. He's just one of those faces that doesn't leave any impression. The WWE must have saw something in the guy because he already had seven tryout matches.
So on the April 17, 2005 broadcast edition of Sunday Night Heat, the two wrestlers were set to face off against fitness guru Simon Dean and his perfect specimen Maven. But there was something amiss. Instead of being announced by their respective names, Punk and Simpson had a tag team name: CM Punk. Confused? Lillian didn't botch this one up, folks; the producers thought it would be better if they use one guy's own ring name as the team name. Simpson still retained his nom de plume, while Punk went under the name of Chad Collyer. For those that don't get the in-joke, Punk and his indie buddies liked to use each other's name (real or fake) when in televised tryout matches.
To clear up any further confusion, I will just refer to them by their real wrestling names. Man, talk about an oxymoron right there. Anyway, Dean and Maven waste some time on the mic, talking about how they have photographic evidence as to why they were easily beaten up by Stone Cold Steve Austin on Raw. Cut to some stills where bottles of Dean's Simon System are badly photoshopped on to Austin's beer cans and hands.
Maven and Simpson start off. Punk instantly pisses off Maven while on the apron, taunting the bland heel and showing that Maven isn't tough enough to be here or even take a joke.
Simpson continues the early punishment on Maven and allows Punk to come in and take over his wrist-lock. While Punk delivers some high kicks to Maven, commentator Jonathan Coachman tries to be "funny" by mocking the jobber team's name, referring to them as "CM Dawn", a play on the once popular 90s R&B duo.
So while Coach is set adrift on memory bliss, talking about events that happened on Raw, Maven and Dean get the heat on Punk. Dean oddly circles around the ring while shouting and having Punk in a headlock, before then doing a simple suplex and a float-over pin. Further confusing me, Dean follows that up with what is either a mini twerk or a little grind, complete with pointing at his junk, before doing a leg drop.
Surprisingly, the crowd is actually into this match, letting out a fairly loud "You Suck!" chant. Maven flaunts his muscles too much (save that for your current job as a bouncer!), allowing enough time for Punk to recover and avoid a dropkick. The crowd is ready for the hot tag but it's botched up in two ways. First, instead of the usual leaping grasp for a tag, Punk does a weak walk to Simpson before the tagged-in Dean elbows him in the back, which then causes Punk to deliver the tag and allow Simpson to run wild. Secondly, the crowd quickly realizes that, oh yeah, the unique-looking Punk is now out and we instead have this average guy coming back in.
Dean tags in Maven, kicks Simpson before being back-body-dropped by him, and the two heels do their tag team finisher: a double armpit-lifting Rock Bottom. 3 count and it is over.
Post-match, the perfectly-fit team get ready to do their DiBiase-esque final gag of stuffing a nutrition bar into the mouth of Simpson. Punk tries to intervene but Dean gives him a rolling elbow. Meanwhile in the crowd, a smark holds up a prominent CM Punk sign. The commentators don't call attention to it, nor is there a Russell Simpson sign anywhere.
Punk would later have a second tryout match, this time a straight-up singles match against Val Venis. I implore you to go check it out because it literally is one of the best "star vs. jobber" matches, right there next to the Razor/Kid feud. Despite getting some heat backstage for making that match too good, Punk was signed to WWE. Before paying his dues down in OVW, he of course finished up his work in the indies by taking part in ROH's amazing storyline, "The Summer of Punk". Simpson was also signed and shipped off to OVW. He proceeded to do nothing of note there until being released in 2006. He would retire a couple years later.
This is a case of a put-together tag team where one of the wrestlers is absolutely nothing like the other. This isn't something like Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty; this is more like Shawn Michaels and Alex "The Pug" Pourteau. I didn't really mean to completely bury Simpson here, but it's hard to take notice of the guy when he's standing next to someone who would later be the best in the world.
I was fuming with this year's show. All of its negative energy, particularly in the last stretch, was ruining the many great speeches and performed songs throughout it.
16-8. Again. I botched in the sound department, should have went with my real picks for a couple (Editing, Foreign Language Film, Live Action Short), and tumbled mightily during the last seven awards.
Poor Neil Patrick Harris. Undone by a terrible "comedic" writing staff. He started off great with a musical opener, composed by the Lopez siblings and featuring Anna Kendrick and Jack Black. Then one odd Oprah/box office joke later, he slowly started to fail. Not even a self-inflicted burn for his involvement in The Smurfs 2 helped. The running joke of his predictions box was unbelievably awful, especially with the final payoff. The Ellen-like aisle walk-downs were very iffy, best summed up with David Oyelowo's cringing expression and hand gesture. The brave Birdman parody fell a little flat. His overuse of puns was lame and proved disastrous after mocking a woman's ball-filled dress after dedicating her movie to her late son. He kept harping on the snubs, much to the dismay of many including the Selma people. I really don't want to chant "Don't Come Back!" to NPH; just fire the losers in the back.
The best thing to note during the pre-show festivities: the many awkward interviews with Dakota Johnson and Melanie Griffin. All of the media interviewers were basically Peter O'Toole in The Stunt Man, trying to creep out a mother and humiliate her daughter.
The so-called theme of the evening was "Moving Pictures". The generically phrased theme let to no further elaboration, not even a later montage. Instead, we just had another tribute to an old musical.
"The Actor goes to..." Lupita, no!
In case you forgot, in the first 22 minutes, only one award was handed out.
Maroon 5 had the first song performance slot and proceeded to stink up the joint, thanks to Adam Levine's incessant yowling and dreadful sound mixing.
There were many fantastic speeches tonight, lead off by Paweł Pawlikowski for his Best Foreign Language Film win. He defeated the orchestra!
With every reading of a Birdman nomination and its pretentiously long subtitle, I grew ever angry.
"Everything Is AWESOME!!!" was hard to top, until someone later challenged for the throne. You had Tegan & Sara and The Lonely Island bouncing around, literal lyrics, Will Arnett cameoing as Batman, Questlove and Mark Mothersbaugh popping in, confetti that would rain down later during other awards, and several audience members (including Oprah) getting the now sought-after Lego Oscars.
Best shot of the night: the lovely Emma Stone clutching a Lego Oscar, knowing that she has no chance to win but still wants to dream.
Patricia Arquette had no time for you, Ellar Coltrane. She had a rousing equal rights speech to deliver.
Rita Ora once again showed off her lack of overseas charisma, laming out the woefully generic tune "Beautiful". Even NPH had no love for it.
Wes Anderson is so, so happy when his crew rightfully win.
Where was Joan Rivers in the In Memoriam?
The mic stands could not stop moving around. How built these in?
Terence Howard, seizing his chance for a big display, went far too emotional reading off three of the Best Picture nominees.
As much as I loved "Everything Is AWESOME!!!" for waking up the program, Common and John Legend's "Glory" was the show-stopper. Oyelowo and Chris Pine were balling their eyes out.
Stop touching Idina Menzel's face, John Travolta!
Look, Lady Gaga did an amazing job with the extravagant number for the 50th anniversary of The Sound of Music. Having Julie Andrews come out in the end was always nice. But still, this segment could have freed up a lot of time. At least it kept NPH off the stage.
Having Ben Affleck come out to hand Best Director was such a troll job. However, he then became a troll when he said that, "none of these movies were dull", before then reading off Foxcatcher.
And this is where I went crazy. Iñárritu was a bit expected but still made me furious. Then Redmayne beat out Keaton. And then, Birdman utterly defeated Boyhood for Best Picture. I was livid.
Also, what was with all of the spoilers for Gone Girl?
Foxcatcher was the only shut out. I can think of a couple other movies that should have joined it.
Last year, I said that the show-runners were so lucky that the song performances and some great speeches perked up the festivities at times. Guess what I have to say about this installment?
So there you have, a ceremony that will go down in some infamy and cause cinephiles to never forgive and forget.
Of course, these are my predictions to win, not who or what movie I wish would win.
Best Picture: Boyhood
Best Actor: Michael Keaton - Birdman
Best Actress: Julianne Moore - Still Alice
Best Supporting Actor: J.K. Simmons - Whiplash
Best Supporting Actress: Patricia Arquette - Boyhood
Best Director: Richard Linklater - Boyhood
Best Original Screenplay: Alejandro González Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr. and Armando Bo - Birdman
Best Adapted Screenplay: Graham Moore - The Imitation Game
Best Animated Film: Big Hero 6
Best Foreign Film: Leviathan
Best Documentary Film: Citizenfour
Best Original Score: Alexandre Desplat - The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Original Song: "Glory" - Selma
Best Cinematography: Emmanuel Lubezki - Birdman
Best Film Editing: Sandra Adair - Boyhood
Best Production Design: Adam Stockhausen and Anna Pinnock - The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Costume Design: Milena Canonero - The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Makeup and Hairstyling: Frances Hannon and Mark Coulier - The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Sound Editing: Richard King - Interstellar
Best Sound Mixing: Gary A. Rizzo, Gregg Landaker and Mark Weingarten - Interstellar
Best Visual Effects: Interstellar
Best Documentary (Short Subject): Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1
Best Animated Short Film: Feast
Best Live Action Short Film: Parvaneh
A bit predictable but I could see a few upsets here and there; a part of me thinks Best Actress may be a shocker.
I have to go with my gut feeling for Best Actor. If Eddie Redmayne wins, it will signify that the Academy still loves their two favorite Oscar baits: real-life figures and white people with crippling diseases.
The Grand Budapest Hotel is sure to sweep up the tech awards. I even have it winning over the Foxcatcher crew in the "let's put on a ton of old people makeup" category.
Remember When Actual Pop Songs Were Nominated & Would Win Best Original Song? Part 5: "Everything Is AWESOME!!!" is the only song to chart on the Billboard Hot 100 (no. 57 to be exact) and the only song to connect with fans of the movie, normal people, and the internet. Unfortunately, it will not win because "Glory" is a message song and the Academy has to give it a pity Oscar for the massive snub. The other three have no shot of winning, especially since Diane Warren is forever a bridesmaid. I could eat my words if the sympathy vote helps garner an Oscar for Glen Campbell.
Feast obviously has to win, no question.
See you on Monday with my reactions to the awards.
Want to find out what movies are heading to Netflix Streaming? I got your back.
Upcoming Netflix Streaming Titles
2/20 - Richie Rich (Netflix Original Series)
2/21 - RoboCop (2014)
2/26 - Open Windows
3/1 - The Brothers Grimm, Grease 2, The Prince & Me
3/9 - After the Fall
3/19 - Life Itself
4/1 - Unbreakable
4/14 - The Babadook
What to Watch This Week
You really should just view anything that's set to expire on 3/1. If you really, really, really need to see a new title, the only thing I can pick that's listed above would sadly be last year's poor remake of RoboCop. It has some interesting elements within in, buried beneath of the high gloss and flat action. Maybe you will like it more than I did.
New Streaming Titles I Previously Forgot to Mention
Honestly, nothing of true worth. Sorry!
I'll see you again next Friday.
Crimson Peak
Teaser Trailer
Watch It Here
Person of Interest: Mia Wasikowska as swept-up young bride Edith, Tom Hiddleston as a dark count, Jessica Chastain as his incestuous sister, and Charlie Hunnam as an older Nicholas Nickleby.
Scene Pop: No single scene is really necessary to point chiefly out, when you have all of that haunted house mood.
Briggs Breakdown: 3 ghosts, 3 knives, 3 scenes of piano-playing, 1 creepy toy, 1 scared cat, 1 horror movie in-joke, evil leather gloves, evil demon hand, and a free-fall.
Effective?: Yes. The trailer is a fairly routine Hollywood horror trailer but the lack of spoilerific money shots and that great tune ("Red Right Hand" by PJ Harvey) make it nicely fresh.
Check it Out?: Definitely. It's the latest from Guillermo del Toro; Why would you not want to check it out?
