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3 Headed Shark Attack (2015)
After spending the holiday running around at several parties and helping out with some trick-or-treating, I ended the night and my month-long horror movie celebration not with a stone cold classic but with something that's better to watch when your're half-asleep. There really is nothing to say about this movie's plot: there is a shark with three heads and it swims around, looking for something to destroy or chomp on. The first film, which had a 2-headed shark, was bad but you could laugh along with it; this sequel unfortunately is just flat-out boring. 70% of the running time is of people swimming or boats hitting the waves. One example of this intense padding is a 10 minute scene where the main cast swim to a far off boat one by one instead of just having one swim over and then drive it to the shoreline to pick everyone up. The acting is all-around bad, with professional wrestler Rob Van Dam as a generic muscleman and some goon who won't stop smiling at all being the lowest of the low. The carnivorous animal could have been truly effective if not for its terrible continuity in scenes or a later plot point where we found out that it is attracted to garbage because of evil pollution. The sole redeeming part of the film is right in the beginning, where director Christopher Ray crafts a reverse JAWS: a skinny-dipping dude swims out to a dingy in order to impress a girl only to see that everybody on the shore is devoured by the creature. It's not an excellently produced prologue but it was the only fun I had with this dud.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
Chopping Mall (1986)
New motorized security robots change their safety settings from stun to kill and go on a rampage inside a shopping mall. And wouldn't know it, a group of horny teens thought it would be a good idea to hump around in a mattress store. CHOPPING MALL is one of those perfect examples where a film title matters; it was originally released as KILLBOTS and failed pretty badly, so producer Roger and Julie Corman re-released under a more catchy and slasher-friendly name. The movie itself is goofy fun, with some thankfully resourceful characters running around the famed Sherman Oaks Galleria and delivering some quippy lines. The robots start off using their regular weapons (tranquilizers, robo-pincers, taser) before the makers say "screw it" and have the little tanks blast out laser beams. Then you have the cult friendly cast: Kelli Maroney as the final girl, Barbara Crampton as the weakling, John Terlesky as the jock, and Dick Miller as a lowly janitor. All that plus a cameoing Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov in the opening scene, playing their same characters from EATING RAOUL! Clocking in at 76 minutes and instantly gaining charm due to it being set at a mall, CHOPPING MALL is a breezy watch.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
Want to find out what movies are heading to Netflix Streaming? I got your back.
Upcoming Netflix Streaming Titles
10/30 - Popples (Netflix Original Series)
11/1 - Awake: The Life of Yogananda, Beethoven’s Christmas Adventure, Idris Elba: Mandela, My Dad And Me; Last Days In Vietnam, Robot Overlords, The Last Time You Had Fun, The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, Twinsters
11/3 - Do I Sound Gay?, The Midnight Swim
11/5 - Amapola, Amour Fou, The Runner
11/6 - Care Bears & Cousins (Netflix Original Series), Master Of None (Netflix Original Series)
11/12 - Anna Karenina
11/13 - Call Me Lucky, John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid, With Bob and David (Netflix Original Series)
11/14 - Blue Caprice, Dior and I
11/15 - People, Places, Things; Soaked In Bleach
11/18 - River (Netflix Original Series)
11/20 - Jessica Jones (Netflix Original Series)
11/26 - Zipper
11/28 - Best of Enemies, The Best Offer, A Perfect Man
11/29 - Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story Of Cannon Films
12/11 - The Ridiculous Six
What to Watch This Week
Last Days In Vietnam sneaked under the radar last year and was heralded by critics as one of the best docs of 2014. Its eventual PBS airing and earning an Oscar nomination this year helped bring a lot of attention to it and now Netflix offers it up to you. I will also throw in Popples in here as well. Now look, I know this will most likely be crap but I loved these guys when I was a wee lad. Gritting my teeth through the first episode will leave me and others somewhat satisfied.
New Streaming Titles I Previously Forgot to Mention
Ugh, the conclusion to Tom Six' disturbing trilogy (and his 15 minutes of fame), The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence).
I'll see you again next Friday.
V/H/S: Viral (2014)
I was worried when the title to the second sequel to V/H/S was first revealed and after sitting through it, my fears came true. Never mind the usual annoying crap of how none of the shorts are in VHS format and quality or how we don't see who edited them together, V/H/S: VIRAL just falls apart from its overall crap production and its terrible central theming around internet fame and viral videos. The wrap-around segments are once again awful but these are truly the worst in the series. DEADGIRL's Marcel Sarmiento spins this disasterpiece of an idea, where a fame-seeker bikes after an ice cream truck that somehow snatched up his dazed girlfriend. During this non-thrilling chase, we also get to see some dreadful mini-stories, also helmed by Sarmiento, involving stereotypical latinos have a demented cookout and an internet porn pervert taking a taxi ride. And don't get me started on the rancid ending. The first official short is from DANCE OF THE DEAD's Gregg Bishop, who conjured up a tale of a famous magician and the cursed magic cape that grants him unlimited power. Excelling with its comedic tone and cool magic-based violence, "Dante the Great" is docked major points due to it being framed as a news documentary, not as a random snuff video. TIMECRIMES' Nacho Vigalondo delivers the best short with "Parallel Monsters", where a home inventor creates a working dimension gateway and switches with his doppelgänger in order for each to experience a mirror world. The foreboding dread and ignorant humor are palpable in this sci-fi black comedy. But this nice high comes crashing down when you next experience "Bonestorm". Sadly not an adaptation of the violent video game from The Simpsons, this tripe has some shitty skateboarding teens going to Tijuana to film a trick video (in 2015?!), only to then randomly fight with some undead cult. Shockingly conceived by Justin Benson and Aaron Scott Morehead, the makers of RESOLUTION and SPRING, this monstrosity is practically unwatchable for several valid reasons: unlikable leads, excessive usage of GoPros and non-important camera viewpoints, aggressive editing, pathetic posturing, and an ending that has one of the cameras being ingested by a giant beast. How did they retrieved that?! Check out "Parallel Monsters" and nothing else here, even with the 81 minute running time. Trust me, you will be staring at the timeline, waiting for this rubbish to end.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
V/H/S/2 (2013)
V/H/S/2 sadly does not match up with the highs or even the lows of the original found footage anthology film, a movie which surprisingly made it on to my Top 20 of 2012. It instead just barely squeaks through with an overall fair rating, thanks largely to one short. Once again, the wrap-around segments of the entire film are really, really lame. Resident horror screenwriter Simon Barrett steps into the director's chair for the first time, delivering a very poor tale of two private investigators checking out a missing college kid's house, only to find a collection of VHS tapes with snuff material and get themselves into a small pickle. And yes, yet again, these VHS tapes somehow have picture perfect clarity and hold material shot on GoPros and high-end production cameras. Adam Wingard, who crafted the brilliant THE GUEST and the cult hit YOU'RE NEXT, unfortunately delivers the worst short of them all. "Phase 1 Clinical Trails" has Wingard himself playing a mumbly guy who gets a bionic eye after a car accident and begins to see dead people. It's repetitive, it's ponderous, and it has a random chick who has past sexual trauma yet wants to suddenly bang this stranger she barely knows. Eduardo Sánchez, co-creator of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT and grandfather to this horror subgenre, teamed with his former producer Gregg Hale to do "A Ride In The Park", a middling but slightly humorous short where we follow the first-person view of a biker that has been attacked by forest zombies. The idea of found footage with zombies makes you want to eye-roll instantly but the duo get to mix in some pathos amid the carnage and the final kill is a hoot. THE RAID's Gareth Evans and buddy Timo Tjahjanto steal the entire show with "Safe Haven", which features a small documentary crew getting in over the heads when they enter a cult's compound. It weaves a nicely fleshed out story, easily bounces between multiple viewpoints, and it delivers a ton of creepy WTF material. And hey, a short that doesn't end with everyone dead! Finally, HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN's Jason Eisener ends with "Slumber Party Alien Abduction", which has several siblings and their friends playing pranks on each other until a group of extraterrestrials show up. I liked the switch-up with sci-fi horror and the terrifyingly loud alien sounds but the mixture of very shaky cam and intense strobe lights got really annoying fast. Plus, nearly the entire thing is captured on a camera attached to a dog; go on, take a guess on what his fate will be. So if you are in the mood for some more found footage movies where the question of "who edited this?" is hardly answered, V/H/S/2 is at least watchable fare.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
The Gecko Brothers (George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino) are on the run to Mexico after escaping from custody, robbing a bank and killing multiple police enforcement. All roads seem to be clear after they forcibly hijack a former preacher's camper but they take one very bad turn. Recently pleased with Robert Rodriguez's cable network El Rey (named after a city mentioned here) and interested in checking out the new television series based on this movie, I wanted to see if this guns-and-gore flick still holds up. FROM DUSK TILL DAWN is one of the most widely known titles dubbed as a gearshift film, where a movie starts off in one tone or manner and then suddenly changes into something else usually by the halfway mark. Here, it begins as a slick crime thriller with bursts of wicked humor until abruptly transforming into a horror film when the characters enter the infamously named Titty Twister, a desert bar that is actually a haven for Mexican vampires. You can clearly tell this was a labor of love for Rodriguez and Tarantino, as their beloved tropes are all over it: slick camerawork, witty dialogue, small roles for admired grindhouse veterans, and stylish violence. Tarantino's script is often humorous, reveling in the bad boy status of the Geckos and playing around with the myths of vampirism; the demonic beasts still have a hatred for stakes-to-hearts and sunlight but here they have the power of infection like a zombie. I also noticed and liked how the bad guys tried to kick the protagonists out and save them from the slaughter. The biggest setback of the feature, however, is that it settles the secondary conflict way too early, killing off what should be the main antagonist, and then forces the characters to just sit around the bar for quite awhile until some bats come in. So yeah, still pretty damn enjoyable. Oh, and as for Tarantino's acting performance: I still don't see it as shockingly bad or annoying like everyone else.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
The Stone Tape (1972)
An electronic research and development unit is embedded into a refurbished manor for their latest project only to be distracted by the haunted room down the hall. THE STONE TAPE comes courtesy from legendary sci-fi/horror writer Nigel Kneale, who's best known for his heady and subversive works such as the QUATERMASS serials. Here, he delves into a hypothetical phenomenon involving the appearance of ghosts and humans acting as vessels for information. I want to refrain from spoiling the surprise, even though the title pretty much explains it literally. The film also explores how the enthusiasm of scientific discovery in the modern age is a corrupting force; it leads the team to think more about the commercial aspect and how they all will be rich, how their corporate employer fears the global marketplace and demands immediate results to stay ahead of the curve, and ultimately causes the group to hit the gas pedal during the experimenting process until the true breaking point. But what really makes the teleplay a standout is the fact that it is pretty scary at times. The bloodcurdling phantom wail gets more and more unnerving with each bellow, the mixed reception to the results causes chaotic confusion, and the mentally spiraling out-of-control final act leads to a terrifying meet-up. Though this sounds all really good, the movie does struggle with its campy and dated look. The largely male team all wear gaudy clothing and sport funky hairdos, the head leader is a manly man who constantly likes to put down women as weaklings, and the special effects are woefully lame whenever the spirit briefly shows up. However, the most egregious element is the horrible racism: the English blokes always refer to their Japanese rivals by a racial slur, they like to repeatedly say "ah so!" when mocking them, and one hard-to-watch scene features the comical member of the team putting on buck teeth, stretching out his eyelids, and doing a routine like he's Krusty the Clown at a comedy club. I do wish to say you should definitely see this but if you simply don't like the British dialect, the style of 70's British television, and the xenophobia, it's very understandable.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
