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2018 may have been the year of "it's fine" but amid the mediocrity and drama there were some greatness to behold. Oakland was the main city for many of the biggest and most talked about films of the year. Netflix continued their ascension into being America's favorite movie distributor, thanks to its easy-access streaming platform, expanding their acquisition of critical and festival favorites, and producing several titles that had America buzzing up a storm. Documentaries were all the rage, focusing on a variety of subjects including showbiz personalities, forgotten film footage, and a curious case of crossing paths. Several prominent coming-of-age stories revolved around the joy and agony of skateboarding. Two indie directors runged all of the tears and emotions out of their audiences by exploring the lives of damaged men and their relationship to horses. Film scores greatly outshone song-filled soundtracks. And despite the quick effort of trying to turn it into an online joke, the movie-going public was still traumatized all year by a single finger snap. From all of these movies and more, I rounded up the twenty films that stayed with me for days, played with my emotions so elegantly and made me want to watch them again and again.
These are the films I have deemed the best of 2018. Though I put them in list format, I was equally entertained and moved by all of these films.
Now comes the usual disclaimer that everyone forgets to remember: This list is of my own opinion, not the general public nor the Internet consensus. If I didn't see the film at all or in its entirety, it isn't counted or considered to be included.
(EDIT: I didn't get this article up in time on 1/7/2019 nor did I completely fully. I apologize for it not being up to my usual standard for a Best Films list. As much as I'm mad at myself for it, I still want to preserve it as a time capsule rather than toss the entire article out. Please enjoy.)
TOP TEN BEST FILMS
1. Won’t You Be My Neighbor?
I said during the opening statements of my Worst of list that 2018 essentially didn't effect me as much as 2017. But really I'm only human, of flesh and blood and made, and throughout last year I was often emotionally crushed by the cynicism, the horrors, the corruption, and all of the blind eyes. If I need any proof of this, I can just look at my writing input on this very website. Despite these setbacks, I still pursued my love for film and even ventured out more often to my local cinemas, including one movie that took a toll on me even when the trailer was playing on the big screen. Morgan Neville's documentary on beloved television icon Fred Rogers perfectly encapsulate what 2018 really was while also crafting a never-cloying, always fair examination at a modern man that could very well have been a real angel in disguise. The movie turned me into a sobbing mess even before the halfway point; all of the love, compassion, and honest discourse he gave to the people around him and the kids watching at home during troubling times (whether personal or societal) made my heart grow like a beanstalk and broke the control wheel off of my tear ducts. And to cap it all off, Neville uses Roger's last college commencement speech to weave an unbelievably immaculate conclusion.
2. Upgrade
Leigh Whannell certainly hasn't been one of my recent favorites, often squandering the goodwill he had with writing the original Insidious. I honestly sneered when I first saw this sleeper being advertised. But holy shit, he made me eat my hat, shoe, and words with this excellent cyberpunk thriller.
3. The Night Is Short, Walk On Girl
4. Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse
5. Roma
6. Let The Corpses Tan
7. Game Night
8. BlackKkKlansman
9. Whitney
10. Sorry To Bother You
THE NEXT TEN
11. Hereditary
12. Widows
13. A Quiet Place
14. Mirai
15. Deadpool 2
It may not be as great as the first one but I had so much fun with its vulgar superhero hilarity. And dig that mid-credits stinger that absolutely slays the audience.
16. The Death Of Stalin
17. Padmaavat
In a vast sea of cinema where nearly every movie has a running time of two and a half hours, none of them can fly by faster than this Bollywood epic. Extravagant production design and a brilliant lead performance by Ranveer Singh.
18. Pokémon the Movie: The Power of Us
19. Avengers: Infinity War
20. Isle Of Dogs
Next Up: The Worst Performances of 2018
2018 is being labelled nearly universally as not only one of the most painful years to bear through with gritted teeth but even more worse than 2017. Frankly, I felt that 2018 just simply held on to the new norm that was placed firmly by the awful misadventures and missteps we had to witness two years ago. Everything I summed up last year at the top of my Worst Films list (childish and racist behavior of the President, snobbish Congress, backward thinking Supreme Court, natural disasters and mass shooting being untreated) all sadly happened again. And like last year, I still was able to put one foot in front of the other because my hope in humanity still will not kneel.
But enough about that plight, which you can find everywhere you can click, what exactly happened in the world of cinema?
2018 was the year of "it's fine". Movies weren't predominately great or amazing or awesome or good or even bad. They were just fine. You paid for a ticket at the movie theater or streamed a flick through your favorite source and you walked away from it indifferent. The soul didn't change and the heart didn't grow yet your valuable time and money had been spent. It seemed nearly every major film was a disappointment in more ways than one and you felt a bit cheated. You couldn't even find comfort in the luxury of subscription services, most notably when MoviePass squandered all of its brief public goodwill at the start of the year to implement user limitations on a near weekly basis. Take your pick at what was the worst of that service: going from a daily movie to three films in one month, the peak pricing, the eventual shrinking of available movies, their bad entry into film distribution, their not-so-secret campaign to decry critics about one of their own releases, etc. To make matters worse, at least chiefly for myself, the theater chains continued to refuse lower their prices for tickets and concessions but instead began to enforce the "privilege" of reserved seating among all of their theaters.
As for what really went wrong in film in 2018, where do you start? Skywalker Ranch was shaking in their boots as they saw a lot of steam expunged from the Star Wars franchise. Mainstream comedies had to be reevaluated after many movies underperformed and/or saw no one laughing along. Nobody cared for political documentaries of any kind anymore thanks to the ongoing circus taking place every day in Washington. Action and thriller movies with badass female heroes being played by popular stars such as Jennifer Lawrence and Taraji B. Henson pretty much tanked at the box office. Pixar and Disney released sequels to two of their biggest 3D animated films only for both of them ending up being quite poor. A major television creator flamed out spectacularly on the big screen with a laughably bad weepie and decided to lambast professional critics, even after the general public also said no to it. Steve Carrell was once again rejected to become a major movie star thanks to a flop and a shrug of an indie. A forgettable dog pic had to be briefly removed from theaters and reedited due to an unbelievably stupid controversy. Once major horror and sci-fi franchises tried to rebirth themselves to modern audiences but were cut down by production woes, lack of hype, and sheer distaste. Two bro-friendly male stars of the 2000's suffered two of the biggest widely released bombs of the year, one of which was so bad pre-release that even Netflix didn't want to own the distribution rights. Universal Studios saw a lot of red ink being spilled thanks to some very bad calculations, whether it was for the poor release of their major Oscar bait or putting the money up for a strange sci-fi movie about cities roaming around on tank treads. And of course, as an encore, even more famous or celebrated male figures in Hollywood ended up being revealed to be total unrepentant scumbags. From all of this failure and more, I was able to drum up twenty "lucky" losers.
These are the films I have deemed the worst of 2018.
Now comes the usual disclaimer that everyone forgets to remember: This list is of my own opinion, not the general public nor the Internet consensus. If I didn't see the film at all or in its entirety, it isn't counted or considered to be included.
TOP TEN WORST FILMS
1. My Uncle John is a Zombie!
This is undoubtedly one of the absolute worst films I have ever sat through. Not just in theaters nor just this decade, I really do mean of all time. High school student films have more dignity than this piece of shit. Thankfully, the film remains hidden from the rest of the world, barely scrapping by via rare screenings. If it does come up to the surface, stay far far away from it.
2. China Salesman
I was planning on giving the gold and silver to two zombie flicks on this list but this travesty had to break it up. This is one strange movie that really doesn't know what it wants to be. It starts off as an action film that immediately burns all of its hype by giving us Mike Tyson vs. Steven Seagal (or rather Seagal's obvious stunt double). But then it starts focusing heavily on global telecommunication networking and waving the Chinese flag, both figuratively and literally. Then it turns into an African civil war pic where every citizen starts killing each randomly and the heroes need to save some phone towers. Once the dust finally settles on that ordeal, you think it's all over but no, there's still forty minutes left to discuss more global telecommunication networking! And just to make it even more insufferable and confusing, the director had everybody speak English despite having absolutely no form of proper diction (including Tyson), thus causing the audience to have no understanding of what they're actually saying.
3. Day of the Dead: Bloodline
For some strange reason beside monetary gain, the Dudelson family refuses to let the third entry in George A. Romero's Dead trilogy to stay, well, dead. There was a sequel to the sequel (which was actually a prequel), a remake in 2008 and now a decade later yet another remake with a completely pointless subtitle. This one is an endurance test as you have to bare witness to the one of the worst female protagonist brought to film lately: a lowly med student who always puts her own wishes and needs above everyone, puts many lives in zombie danger and never bats an eye when someone dies, and somehow gets away with it all. The only things that kept me from tearing my hair out from all of the sheer incompetence on display were some good gore effects and the hilarious fact that the main dumb guy is named "Baka".
4. Holmes & Watson
Full disclosure: I ran out to see this in theaters mainly in order to see if it could qualify for this list. It told many other bad movies to hold its beer because it wanted to show how bad you could get with a mainstream comedy. Who in Sony seriously thought that people would want to see a parody film of Sherlock Holmes close to a decade from its release, let alone one starring the very iffy Will Ferrell? To anyone thinking it can't be that bad: I hope you enjoy a scene with the main duo shouting for their maid for a minute straight; a running joke about Sherlock's hat; many mentions of masturbation, pissing and puking; Watson waving around and shooting his gun frantically; Sherlock switching from brilliantly smart to really stupid from scene to scene; an useless musical number (poor Alan Menken); and a series of peppered-in Trump jokes that are embarrassingly trite and date the film super hard. Writer-director Etan Cohen continues to show that it was Mike Judge who was the real mind behind Idiocracy.
5. The Happytime Murders
A lot of people were waiting for this to fail really just from the premise alone: an explicitly adult take on puppets from some of the people once behind and in the hands of the Muppets. I, like other film nerds, said it was already been done before with Peter Jackson's Meet The Feebles. I gave it a chance only to end up watching a wormeater, a movie that only offers up crude imagery and language just for shock factor only. What a waste of human talent and puppet material.
6. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
J. A. Bayona tried. He really, really tried to make some parts memorable or striking but the terrible minds in Universal Pictures, including the new prince of awful Colin Trevorrow, turned this turd into the dung heap left behind by a Triceratops. That ending left me so angry I was praying for steam to come out of my ears.
7. MFKZ
Oh man, this film is so edgy, the actual title is an expletive. Please, this animated film is a total poser and a total piece of crap. I would have been offended by its often racist depiction of Los Angeles denizens if I wasn't being distracted by the abominable story. Why should you really care about the main character? His paranoid storyline gets dropped with the stupid plot twist midway through, he gets shoved to the side to make room for more scenes with some lucha wrestlers and a doctor that just pops into the proceedings, his love story with some female stranger is a non-starter, and he doesn't even save the day in the end, only to be helped by some stereotypical gangbangers. GKIDS, I love that you help bring out more animated films to theaters and audiences but this one was a mistake.
8. The Predator
Blame both 20th Century Fox and Shane Black. No amount of savory dialogue or adequate acting can surpass the many terrible decisions brought forth by all the people behind this mess. The poor handling of the Predators, putting way too much emphasis on the lame human characters, the absolutely dreadful lighting and editing, the fact that there's an autistic kid with mental superpowers in a 2018 movie, it all stinks to high heaven. I don't care in the slightest if there is a supposed director's cut. I frankly would rather watch the AVP flicks in all of their grimy glory.
9. Making Fun: The Story of Funko
I originally had this much lower on the list but my anger towards it just grew and grew. I'm always a sucker for showbiz documentaries and the history of entertainment properties but this is not one of those. It is a glorified company video, designed to sucker in investors or be the splash video for Funko's YouTube page and website. After spending a third of its running time talking about the history of the toy company Funko, it then pads out the rest of the film with a series of short interviews with celebrities and ordinary folk, all of whom talk more about pop culture and entertainment in general rather than Funko themselves. To make matters worst, we have to cheer on as the people running Funko get ready to launch their big retail store so they can sell more stuff that is only licensed by them and not originally from their real minds and hands.
10. Gotti
One of the biggest fan films to ever get major theatrical distribution, it is not even funny how much of Goodfellas actor turned director Kevin Connolly cribbed from for his way too nice biopic of the famed NYC mobster. The film just skips around in time whenever it feels like it, often mashing the film footage with real life news footage, and sets nearly all of the scenes to those great 70's, 80's, and 90's tunes produced by Mr. Worldwide himself, Pitbull. Oh yes, even I remember when the 2012 song "Don't Stop the Party" was played everywhere in July 1985. The fact that the audience is supposed to like John Gotti and his eternally young, murder and hustling friendly, okay to sleep with an underage girl, not fat at all son, especially towards the end, puts the rotten cherry on this shit sundae.
THE NEXT TEN
11. Mazinger Z: Infinity
You know what Patlabor 2: The Movie needs? Wall-to-wall standard giant robot action to the point where nothing stands out, egregious product placement, pitiful fan service, a part where the entire world perfectly believes the clearly evil villain will be truthful and walk away once he's done, and end the proceedings with a badly hummed rendition of the Mazinger Z theme. I knew I was in for a bad ride when the behind-the-scenes video airing before the screening had the director literally asking the audience to enjoy the action and dumb down their brains.
12. Death Wish
Surely Eli Roth and Joe Carnahan, those two upstanding gentlemen of fine taste, would make an effective vigilante film for our current climate, right? Nope, instead they would just rather relish NRA-approved gun ownership, awkwardly extravagant gore, and a very white and very old Bruce Willis killing several non-white hooligans. Please keep in mind that Paul Kersey is a medical doctor in this remake, not an architect. Nothing wrong there!
13. Action Point
Stick to the trailer. Seriously, no joke, just watch the trailer. It's well put together and has all of the best moments of amusement park chaos. The film itself offers up nothing really of worth, not even with the shoe-horned father-daughter storyline that allows Johnny Knoxville some acting range.
14. Sicario: Day of the Soldado
When the news was originally announced at the prospect of a sequel/spin-off to Sicario, everyone collectively said no. The makers didn't listen and went ahead with making this ugly pic. Benicio del Toro and Josh Brolin are still great but screenwriter Taylor Sheridan ruined his track record of quality here, pulling some of the same plot tricks he did in the previous film, making us never care for a kidnapped snooty little rich girl, and essentially making a story that doesn't matter since everybody just brushes it all off in the end like an average cop television show.
15. Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich
The Puppet Master franchise got by the allure and perfectly toyetic design of its killer marionettes. Too bad the makers of this modern reimagining have the signature ones like Blade and Torch lose all the charisma a puppet could have and just have the little monsters move or be flung around amateurishly. It has some good kills and pretty darn good practical gore effects but the story is poorly handled and revels in repugnance, the climax is quickly strung together and ends up literally being a car crashing into a wall, and it concludes with an awful downbeat ending and pathetic sequel setup. A bad misstep for the promising S. Craig Zahler (Bone Tomahawk, Brawl In Cell Block 99), who wrote the script.
16. Samson
I enjoyed this a lot more than the usual Christian crap fare (dig that handicap massacre match between Samson and The Philistines!). However, it is such a wonderfully laughable mess, from the high school level sets to the cheesy acting to the bad CGI to the clearly you-missed-him action choreography to Samson being a total dolt to the weird moments when it wants to be The Passion of the Christ. And those beards. My God, those fake beards made me laugh until I cried.
17. The Meg
It gets slightly more fun after the halfway mark, at least if you're okay with PG-13 or less violence and need more China to be spoon-fed in your film diet. But the first half of this shitty shark movie is a total bore and rife with some really stupid characterization. Also impacting its entertainment factor: the sheer fact that nearly all of the main characters don't end up as chum.
18. Lu Over The Wall
Anime director Masaaki Yuasa and his studio Science Saru had a banner year in 2018 save for this middling work. More aggravating than entertaining, this surreal anime flick needed to have better control on its tone and animation quality and a much more coherent script. Seriously, the lowly fat secretary in the background ends up being the main villain?
19. Suspiria
I didn't put this divisive horror film here just because of some stupid fan outrage that one of my favorite films was remade. It deserves its placement due to being a tiresome watch. There are a few artistic flourishes that stand out but the pretentiousness gets toxic, the dancing loses its luster, the plot twists are headache inducing, Thom Yorke's score is lame, and the big climax is laughably amateurish. And I don't care about the real reason why Tilda Swinton was cast in multiple roles; every scene involving her under heavy makeup as an old male professor is near insufferable and very distracting.
20. Ralph Breaks The Internet
To go from my best film of the year to the last film on my worst of list. Wow. Trading in video game humor for a Disney-ifed take on The Emoji Movie and turning Ralph into a real toxic villain. What were they thinking?! Just keep on rewatching the Disney princesses scenes on YouTube rather than sit through this highly disappointing effort.
Next Up: The Best Films of 2018
"Mean" Gene Okerlund has died. He was 76 years old.
Okerlund will certainly go down as the greatest pro wrestling interviewer of all time due to his memorable dry wit and expert skills at getting the best out of his interviewees. Being a central television figure during the biggest booms in the industry and having a close association with some of the most famous wrestlers also helped his enduring legacy.
Whether it was during his early start in the heyday of the AWA, the prosperous years of the WWF, or even the doldrum days of WCW, "Mean" Gene was always one of the true highlights of any wrestling program. He helped take part in several of the biggest moments in wrestling history: the wild and crazy interactions with "Macho Man" Randy Savage (most notably the "cup of coffee" promo); his many boisterous talks with Hulk Hogan, which produced the famous retort "Let me tell you something, 'Mean' Gene!"; and of course standing in a trash covered ring in order for Hogan to express his hatred for his fans and the rise of a "new world order of wrestling" at WCW Bash at the Beach 1996.
Many fans will also remember his more infamous interviews, such as Summerslam 1989 when he declared "Fuck it!" live on air when a blown take with "Ravishing" Rick Rude was accidentally shown. Or his penchant for corpsing in front of the camera, most notably when he interviewed a woman-seeking David Schultz. And who could forget his weaselly antics at getting kids to ring up their parents' phone bills by calling his hotline 1-800-909-9900 in order to get the scoop on some devilishly insider knowledge.
He will sorely be missed.
Young teen Norimichi seems to be settled in to spend the town's fireworks celebration with his motley friends only to be caught up by his crush Nazuna's sudden wish to escape to the city and a peculiar orb that allows him to reverse past outcomes. FIREWORKS instantly gets docked some points for breaking the cardinal sin of having the same title of a famous movie, namely Takeshi Kitano's highly acclaimed 1997 feature film. However, given how long and complicated the original title is, exceptions can be made to GKIDS for picking something more digestible for American viewers. As for the film itself, it's a breezy teen romantic drama with a hint of sci-fi that will win over some hearts. Realists will scoff at its appreciative look at teen runaway love and others will be dismayed by its one-sighted viewpoint of the relationship but it's hard not to be swayed by the rush of heightened emotions and the yearning of the potential couple for one special night together. The time travel mechanic is welcomingly fresh, forgoing the standard forcible reset to the beginning format set by GROUNDHOG DAY. Instead, it settles for a model where time is a series of chapters and the traveller can only return to the latest key moment in order to alter it to the path he wishes for. The wings of this love story however do get clipped by a couple of missteps. The animation is quite delightful but often seems to be more of the true focus of scenes rather than the story itself. The biggest offender of this comes when there's a weird and long exposition retread of the time traveling between the two teens on a train but the scene is framed from the outside simply to show off Shaft's CGI rendering skills. The other big head-scratcher is the ending, which doesn't feel as impactful as it really should be and comes off as just another wannabe poetic conclusion. The voice acting is very good, headlined by Suzu Hirose's marvelous turn as the rash yet beautifully wishful Nazuna. I also liked Masaki Suda as Norimichi but boy howdy the actor is either a little too old for the character or the fictional teen must have had one hell of a puberty to earn a deep voice like that. FIREWORKS is a charming little anime feature and a quality choice for those that need some love to brighten up their night.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
Angsty teen Kai finds solace from his drab fishing village, fractured family and sterile education system through the power of music. Some anonymous video postings of his works-in-progress are quickly found out by two of his classmates, who ask him to join their pop rock band. They decide to hold practice at a desolate island, which draws the attention of a boisterous ningyo, aka a Japanese mermaid, named Lu. This chance meeting turns into a tempestuous relationship that will eventually bring happiness and chaos to their lives and their little town. LU OVER THE WALL is the second of the two Asian animated imports this year with notable allusions to THE LITTLE MERMAID and Stephanie Sheh in a lead role but unfortunately it is the weakest one. Director/co-writer Masaaki Yuasa crams too much ambitious flourishes into this film and he's embarrassingly unable to keep a firm grasp at story or coherence. The animation on display produced by Science Saru is a wet and wild affair, with simple designed and crudely penciled characters overlaid on to realistic backgrounds before then shifting to extreme squash and stretch or blocky rotoscoping or Ghibli inspired majesty on a dime. The story starts off nice and easy but then quickly becomes untamable with time jumps, multiple side stories, scenes with characters we're supposed to know, and a completely random heel turn from a comedic figure. The film frankly falls apart in the third act with an overtly long and ultimately unrewarding climax. This culmination of events could have been remedied and have the usual uplifting feelers of an anime fantasy drama if the makers didn't jettison the main character to the sidelines for a long stretch and also forget about Lu herself as well. And it gets more troublesome once the smoke clears, the sun shines, and the sea rests easy because there's a confusing scramble of endings. How can I really be moved by a set emotion when the tearful goodbyes are mushed together with an ugly dance number, a meditative scope of the future, and a cheap joke? LU OVER THE WALL has the potential to be a okay time killer or a good enough alternate feature for kids to be appeased by but it seems weird to munch on the strained flesh of this mermaid tale when you have the superior taste in the form of PONYO.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
We are only two days away from the start of the 2018 edition of the Eurovision Song Contest. The fun and festivities kick off with the first semi-final that has been dubbed by critics and fans as the "bloodbath" due to the high number of popular entries competing to get one of only ten slots into the Grand Final.
Like what I do with the Oscars, I wanted to jot down my predictions very close to the event because my opinion would be more set in stone by then. One of the best things about Eurovision is the sheer unpredictability of it all. For instance, if you told me during the national selections that I would be enamored and swoon by the picks for Moldova and Georgia, I would think you were mad.
So here's what I think and believe about this year's entries, grouped together into special categories that seem fitting:
THE FRONT RUNNERS
When the music video for "Toy" dropped on YouTube, everybody was raving and hailing Israel as the winners. My opinion for them however has remained the same: it's wacky and great but will make it to the top ten, not the top spot. Firstly, there's the easy comparisons to Italy from last year: very popular music video and the high fandom and early hype that burned out too quickly. Then you have the rehearsal footage that shows the performance is going to be riddled with Japanese theming and walls of maneki-nekos. How is that supposed to match a song about female empowerment?
Australia got an early boost to win thanks to the star power of Jessica Mauboy and the simple messaging of its boppy banger "We Got Love". Plus, the Australian committee has done a whole lot of press and meet-ups in Europe in order to increase their chances with the public vote, which has always hurt them for the past two contests. The rehearsals were promising but many people are worried for Australia's chances due to Mauboy's vocal issues, the barren staging, and the weird gift-wrapped dress that she will be wearing.
If I was to make a bet, I would put money down on Estonia to win the contest. Elina Nechayeva is very beautiful, she's vocally amazing, she hits that operatic high note with ease, and the stage lighting and her special light up dress increase the power of the song. Nobody has been a winner with an opera tune but this could be the year.
Out of the Big Five currently, France is nursing a nice little streak of ending up in the top ten. This year however they have a chance at the gold medal with "Mercy", a story song that focuses on the refugee crisis still affecting Europe. The band behind it Madame Monsieur has been winning over crowds with it at concerts, especially during the breakdown.
THE QUEEN SLAYERS
As odd as it might be, Eurovision has had a country win with a metal song. I'm of course referring to Finland's famous victory in 2006 with the heavy makeup laden metal group Lordi and their song "Hard Rock Hallulejah". The 2006 contest was fairly known for how open the field was. This year's contest is pretty much the same way thus why I and many others can see Hungary shocking the world and winning it all. AWS have a killer song with "Viszlát Nyár" and seem to be doing wonders with the main stage in order to pump up their performance.
Spain has been running wild with the social media crowd due to the audience friendly story behind Amaia & Alfred. Two teens who really fell in love with each other on the reality show Spain used to find their Eurovision pick?! That certainly will win over hearts and minds. It remains to be seen whether the couple can pull it off live on television as many critics have been questioning the lack of on-screen chemistry between the two and the not-so-stellar staging.
The good folks in Ukraine picked a real winner with Mélovin and his bombastic "Under The Ladder". The country's leaders however are crossing their fingers very tightly after all of the troubled they had hosting the contest last year. Mélovin has a great look, has the "it" factor, and brings the energy of the song at its conclusion by singing at a piano while surrounded by fire. The only thing that could trip him up at the post is his struggle with the diction of English.
I may be overreacting with my enthusiasm for Sweden this year, thinking they have a real shot at winning the contest, but the complete package is right there. Good looking male singer, some sex appeal, the compact LED set, and the direction of making the performance a real-life music video.
TOP TEN HOPEFULS
Alexander Rybak is going to be trying his damnest to win again but even he knows that Norway will likely walk away and be fine with a top ten placement. Rybak, his fiddle and his goofy tune about the passion for music and songwriting will certainly steal a lot of points away from the other acts.
Finland brought the international star power this year by selecting Saara Aalto. The runner-up of The Voice in her native land and one of the most recent runner-ups in the U.K. version of The X Factor, she is looking to slay with the dark dance track "Monsters". Her pre-contest performances with the song have been vocally dodgy but she and her crew seemed to work all of the kinks out of it judging from the rehearsals.
I absolutely loved them last year but I wasn't so hot on Moldova this year. The group DoReDoS were a talented bunch and were able to survive the hard press and concert tour in tact. My opinion about their chances to qualify all changed however when the footage of their first rehearsal went live. The colorful costumes, cheeky humor, and exuberant happiness on display will greatly benefit their shot at the gold.
"I love beyond the bones/Oh-oh-oh". I really wish I could hate Bulgaria and their supergroup entry Equinox just for the terrible lyrics of the song "Bones". But the harmonies on the track are so tight. They will prove that their second place showing last year wasn't a fluke and keep their streak of top ten finishes going strong.
People want another Beyonce in the contest and they have in the form of Eleni Foureira. Cyprus chose the Greek singer to represent their island country due to her music success and to once again easily nab 12 points from Greece. Foureira will certainly bring the fire with "Fuego" as the rehearsals have been earning high marks from critics.
I must be one of the very few people thinking that Denmark has a chance to place high. Rasmussen and "Higher Ground" was an early favorite for me and I think many will fall in love with the Game of Thrones/Vikings aesthetic of the performance.
When I first heard "Light Me Up" from Poland, I instantly had a feeling that it had an easy path to the final. I have since fluctuated on my overall opinion on the song but I think it could really have the crowd jumping, bring a must needed boost to the show if placed during the middle, and could make it to the lower end of the top ten.
FINAL FILLERS
Good ole country boy Waylon of The Netherlands drew some attention from Eurovision fans with his country rock song "Outlaw in 'Em". He drew even more attention recently when the rehearsals revealed that his fake band members on stage will be doing some krumping during the tune. I think he has a shot at making it through the first semi but will stumble at the final.
Despite having themselves in the form of SuRie and the chorus of the song being a major hit with live audiences, I don't think The United Kingdom will be able to reach the top ten this year. Top 15 on the other hand is viable.
Unless there is a shocker in the semi-finals, Azerbaijan will continue their streak going into the final. However they will also continue their middling streak of not doing well in the Grand Final despite the efforts of Aisel, the dance track "X My Heart", and their special triangle props.
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Czech Republic really looked like a winner this year with Mikolas Josef and his Jason Derulo rip-off song "Lie To Me". Unfortunately, during the first rehearsals in Lisbon, Josef suffered a very painful back injury while doing a flip. His crew are desperately trying to remedy the situation and change up the staging to prevent him from exerting too much. He should still make it through the semi final but I think the unforeseen circumstances and the paired back performance will harm his chances at the top ten.
Lithuania is one of my favorite underdog nations in the contest due to their wild selections. I really hope that the cute Ieva Zasimauskaitė and her sappy yet still heartwarming "When We're Old" do well and cause a lot of people to reach for the tissues.
I do not love Belarus at all. They changed up their song "Forever" too many times to no avail and I can't really stand Alekseev and his weird smile. The only reason I can see him in the final is because of their intended Eurovision performance. Instead of having Alekseev wearing a LED suit like he did in the national final, the singer is going to be interacting with the steady camera by literally giving it a rose, there's an interpretive dancer running amok, and there's going to be something involving an arrow piercing the singer's hand and blood coming out. It sounds nuts but that makes good Eurovision.
I can't take Armenia seriously mainly because of their song. It is called "Qami" and a great majority of it consists of Sevak Khanagyan saying it over and over again before he bellows out a big final one. Qami sounds a lot like "Come Me". Seeing and hearing someone languishing over the words "Come Me" and then screaming it out to the world is beyond hilarious. That being said, it will more than likely make it to the final but the stupid Stonehenge set design will detract voters.
In terms of songs that could play well here in the States, Germany has one with Michael Schulte and his bittersweet tale of parental loss with "You Let Me Walk Alone". I'm crossing my fingers that he and the song can finally lift Germany out of the bottom rung of the final rankings but I fear it's too depressing to draw a lot of votes.
Italy has two ugly looking rock singers singing a somber song about anti-terrorism. Add that with the self-plagiarism charges levied against the song and you have a potential recipe to fail.
Like all host countries before them, Portugal doesn't want to win back-to-back. The very sleepy and wistful "O Jardim" proves that.
I really, really don't want Romania to go to the Grand Final but I can see them there, thus keeping the qualification streak alive. The Humans' lead singer is great but the song is so pathetically trite.
PAINFUL ELIMINATIONS
I don't want F.Y.R. Macedonia to fail at all. "Lost and Found" is an unique dance track and they can really accentuate the sex appeal of the lead singer of Eye Cue but the rehearsals show they are faltering in their staging and costumes.
Another fan favorite I sadly can see getting axed, Slovenia might lose out at the finals because of their continuing struggles with the chorus drop.
"A Matter of Time" may sound like a James Bond song, which really works in Eurovision, but I have not been very moved by Belgium this year. Sennek has a cool voice but she's still struggling in the vocal department and the rehearsals didn't look promising.
The bizarre spaceship theme they are doing for Cesár Sampson's performance of "Nobody But You" could really hurt Austria.
They might break their streak of non-qualification but Ireland is competing with too many popular favorites in the first semi-final.
We have two dark dance songs about mental illness this year and I think Malta will be the one sitting home during the final.
Eugent Bushpepa of Albania has a soaring song and gets to unleash a hell of a high note but he might get forgotten about in the first semis.
I'm really pulling for Serbia but I can see Sanja Ilić & Balkanika missing out on a Saturday performance. "Nova Deca" is a moving ethnic dance song yet the flat staging is hurting their chances.
Laura Rizzotto has a great look and voice but I don't think Latvia will earn a spot with their Fifty Shades of Grey "inspired" song "Funny Girl".
Switzerland just can't catch a break. I actually like the American stylings of "Stones" but as with other nations it needs to somehow do far better than the heavy favorites in the first semis.
DEAD ON ARRIVAL
Russia spent this entire time shitting the bed. Julia Samoylova is a talented singer and I was glad that the Russian committee kept their promise to her to participate in Eurovision after the controversy with Ukraine last year. However, I was really turned off by "I Won't Break" upon first listen and remain tepid after multiple re-listens. She can't sing well in English, she bombed hard at the Moscow event, and she remains off key during the Eurovision rehearsals. Adding fuel to the dumpster fire is the continuing marketing decision to hide her wheelchair and having her sit atop a turd-looking mountain for the performance. It sucks that it had to be her but this could very well be the first time Russia doesn't qualify.
Now for the second elephant in the room: San Marino. The country's decision process was an abomination. The song "Who We Are" rips the chorus from the 2015 contest winner "Heroes". The featured rapping of Jenifer B is incredibly laughable. And then they come to Lisbon with those ridiculously stupid little robots. The mini sign of "Justice for Valentina!" is cute but they will be scrapping for some points in the semi-finals to avoid a nul points.
Greece still doesn't have the money to pony up to host the contest and they have no chance winning this year's edition, let alone pass the semis with the tedious ""Oniro Mou".
Franka has improved the chances for Croatia with the song "Crazy" judging from the rehearsal footage in Lisbon but it will be one of the first to bleed out in the first semi-final.
Ari Ólafsson can hit that hit note in "Our Choice" but Iceland will not make it very far. The staging is too pathetic and the song doesn't ring too well.
Georgia disappointed a lot of people when after so much build up and being one of the last countries to announce this representative they gave us a bunch of old men. Ethno - Jazz Band Iriao (yes, that's their real name) has good harmonies but unless everyone in Europe wishes to have an entry in the final solely for a piss break, they will not advance.
"Inje" has grown on me just a little but everyone has already written off the chances for Montenegro this year. The terrible suit jacket Vanja Radovanović is wearing gives him a chance to win the Barbara Dex Award.
As a little incentive, here's my top ten favorite songs from this year's Eurovision in alphabetical order:
Australia
Denmark
Estonia
F.Y.R. Macedonia
Hungary
Israel
Lithuania
Serbia
Sweden
Ukraine
I also asked my non-fan father to listen to the official recap video of all 43 songs and come up with his own top five. Here's what he came up with:
1. Germany
2. Lithuania
3. Spain
4. Cyprus
5. F.Y.R. Macedonia
I hope you enjoyed these articles on Eurovision. The Grand Final will air live in America on Logo at 3:00 PM on Saturday May 12. The semi-finals will take place on May 8 and May 10 but will not air on American television. You will need to stick to Twitter updates or via other countries' streams in order to enjoy them.
