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Blackenstein (1973)
Let's get the plot description over quickly because there's a lot of dreck to get through: A limbless 'Nam vet is being treated by his fiancee and her mentor in order to be grafted new appendages, only to be transformed into a pudgy, bloated, obese walking zombie due to an nefarious lab assistant. The funniest thing is that the guy was a fat bastard with lifeless delivery before he becomes a monster. My god, this is an absolute bowel movement of a film. This is how it opens: a jump cut of two people experimenting, the title card, a man slowly walking around his laboratory and touching things, then the rest of the opening credits. The rest of the film follows this jungly editing scheme, with people and scenes teleporting out of nowhere or the unbearable torture of watching the main monster walking for a long, long time. Direction and acting certainly can't save it, especially when suspenseful music is placed on unexciting breakfast scenes or we literally see a production hand's backside during a pointless 360 degrees shot. I still can't get over all of the inconsistencies and errors in judgment: What was the point of having a young 90-year old lady and some guy with a tiger leg? What's with the experimenting on a rabbit? Why is there a prison cell with wooden bars right next to the lab? What the hell was with that large police force storming some place? Why does Blackenstein drag white women into a warehouse? How come his medical clothes change into a leisure suit every time he ventures outside? Why does he have an urge to kill and indulge on people's inners? And ultimately, why the hell do the closing credits scroll vertically down? The last breaking point to your sanity is the fate of Blackenstein; we see him get punched and shot at but nothing seems to stop him. What instead does? Three police dogs that bite and rip his body apart. What an abnormal mess.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
Insidious (2011)
A boy mysteriously falls into a coma after falling off a ladder. His vegetative state comes at an ill time for the rest of his family, who are all having horrible dreams and noticing the creepy apparitions parading around the household. Changing addresses doesn't solve the problem so it must take the help of a paranormal investigative group. The film that cemented James Wan's career, this haunted roller-coaster ride delivers genuine scares. He expertly crafts many chilling set-pieces and a bevy of nightmare fueled creatures, most notably "the man with fire on his face". However, if you are epileptic or just hate flashing lights, be sure to skip past the bad, strobe-pounding action sequence after a certain someone takes off a gas mask. Leigh Whannell's story keeps twisting into different directions and ideas, such as astral-projecting or the dark theory of "The Further", a place where dead souls reside. Thankfully, he also spends time to develop the emotional drama plaguing the main couple. Rose Byrne and Patrick Wilson are well-suited but it's Lin Shaye who gets to shine as the warm yet experienced investigator Elise. The second chapter may be in theaters right now but you're better off just watching this terror-fest. Seriously, don't see the sequel.
FINAL REVIEW: 4 / 5
The Call of Cthulhu (2005)
H.P. Lovecraft has always been one of the few major horror writers to not get wider recognition in pop culture. Unless you're into the works of Stuart Gordon, or get the references placed into THE CABIN IN THE WOODS or the EVIL DEAD series, you probably have never heard about the man who helped influence the likes of Stephen King. A group of Lovecraft fanatics pulled their resources together to deliver a near accurate adaptation of one of his most famous stories, all under the guise of a 1920's style silent film. A man recounts to a psychiatrist all of the information he stumbled upon in his late uncle's notes of deadly dreams, a homicidal cult in Louisiana, and a disturbing exploration of an unmarked island. Like the story, the film has a nice slow build-up with escalating dangers and further exploring the origins of the squid-like being that seems to be referenced everywhere. It doesn't overstay his welcome, clocking in at around 50 minutes, so if you want to get your feet wet or just want to see a splendid indie project, this is certainly the best gateway.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
Carnival of Souls (1962)
A young woman is the only survivor of a car accident, only to then be stalked by some ghastly figures. Could it have to do with the abandoned dance hall/carnival that she has a strange bond to? This cult film, along with NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, helped push the American horror genre during the 1960s. The terrors suffered by the main character are intended to both scare you and make you think; the woman's cold behavior towards humanity seems to caught up to her, as she's often unable to communicate or appear to others, until the sounds of life slowly return to her senses. The eerie organ-based score always puts you on edge though it can be a bit annoying. Director Herk Harvey does occasionally pull off a crafty shot or edit, especially whenever his ghost-like figure appears on screen. The other actors are pretty one-note, mainly do to often being in Harvey's industrial short films, but that stilted feel does benefit the uneasy atmosphere of the picture. A fun classic.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
His Name Was Jason: 30 Years of Friday the 13th (2009)
"The ultimate retrospective", my ass. This documentary is supposed to celebrate the popularity of the major slasher franchise, the pop culture impact of the Jason character, and examine the individual films in both their contributions to the series and the process of being made. It does cover all of that but only in fun size portions, giving you hardly any insight beyond the surface area. Unless you know or have watched all of the films, you'll not understand what is going on, especially since the film keeps reminding you of who all these people are every five minutes. Instead of following a easy to digest structure like being in the order of the films, the entire feature is instead a series of scrambled-up montages. Everything is just quick cut, quick cut, white fade, as editor Monica Daniel deliriously fluffs up the piece or makes odd transitions. To make it even more aggravating, the film leads to a final push for the horrible FRIDAY THE 13TH remake, as it spins how this travesty will please old fans and bring a new generation of hearts and minds. The glad-handing doesn't stop there because there's also Anchor Bay deliberately pushing Adam Green's HATCHET to you and Ken Kirzinger saying that people accept him now for replacing the popular Kane Hodder in FREDDY VS. JASON. It also likes to shoot itself in the foot, as with the special transitions where host Tom Savini engages in recreated FRIDAY set pieces. These sets weren't created solely for this documentary but are actually pieces from a special amusement park ride. I could blame director Daniel Farrands for this but this feels more like a butchered cut produced and run by Starz' studio notes. I say this because he and other crew members later did a masterfully huge NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET retrospective (NEVER SLEEP AGAIN: THE ELM STREET LEGACY) and just recently re-did this series with an adaptation of CRYSTAL LAKE MEMORIES: THE COMPLETE HISTORY OF FRIDAY THE 13TH. I haven't check that out yet, but I'll gladly take 400 minutes of information compared to this 95 minute, TV friendly cut.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
Mimic (1997)
When I first saw MIMIC back in the VHS days, I remember being highly disappointed. It seems the sentiment has remained the same, even after giving it a second chance. Now granted, I'm still watching the theatrical cut, not director Guillermo del Toro's final cut, which never saw the light of day until a 2011 home video release. Anyway, the film follows a group of people battling it out with giant cockroaches in the NYC tunnels. The big bugs have evolved to human size thanks to a scientifically-engineered creation called "the Judas Breed", an insect that was specifically designed by Mira Sorvino's character in order to kill the disease-spreading roaches several years ago. Not only are they now vicious to mankind but they also dangerously possess the ability to cloak their expansive features under a human disguise. Despite these interesting sci-fi angles and del Toro's slick yet grimy skills, you're still just watching a glorified B-movie, complete with a laughable monster menace we are supposed to take super serious. Worst yet, the majority of the action is held underground, where poo-gas is everywhere and everything is too damn dark. A lot of people criticize Michael Bay for his preference of the teal and orange color scheme; guess what nerd-friendly director basked his entire film with that garish tone back in 1997? Maybe the final cut is way better but there's just not a whole lot of material I really enjoyed, especially compared to other 90's B-horror flicks like THE RELIC and DEEP RISING. Cool opening credits though.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
Rogue (2007)
A group of tourists take a Australian boat trip through crocodile-infested waters only to be attacked by a massive one and cornered on to an island waiting to be overcome by the rising river tide. Written and directed by WOLF CREEK's Greg McLean, this croc shlock is surprisingly a bit unique. McLean goes the anti-Eli Roth route, creating a lengthy opening stage with characters we actually care about before the horrors start to spread. There are a lot of early haunting shots of the Australian wilderness and how minuscule these humans are in this part of the world. Even when the swimming villain comes in, the violence is largely bloodless, making for more suspense-laden, terrorizing sequences. Of course, since this is basically Aussie JAWS, the characters do eventually fall into the usual tropes, sabotaging their own schemes for selfish gain. Once we hit the third act, there's a bit more gore and sadly some bad CGI workmanship. Overall, I was genuinely shocked by this film's ingenuity. Nonetheless, in terms of Aussie JAWS movies, I would probably rather pick RAZORBACK.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
Bay of Blood (1971)
a.k.a. TWITCH OF THE DEATH NERVE. A rich old lady is bumped off by her scheming husband, only for him to then be stabbed and thrown into a bay by someone else. This is just the start of a series of people roaming all over the bay and competing in a violent battle royale for the woman's inheritance. This Mario Bava film ended up being one of his most influential works, going beyond his giallo trendsetting ways with BLOOD AND BLACK LACE and crafting the standard formula for the slasher genre. Fornicating men and women are gruesomely killed off (in murder scenes that were later "homaged" by the FRIDAY THE 13TH series), the killer POV, and endless walking and stalking in a forest all came from this little movie. The gory demises are plentiful and are deliciously sadistic, with impalings, beheadings, and chokings being all of the rage. However, the film itself is pretty flimsy. Literally everyone is unlikable and even with their expected deaths, it is hard to sit through all of their smug conversations. Bava is well known for his great cinematography but here he overdoses on quick, unnecessary zooms and camera dissolves. You can enjoy the sit through all of the bodily destruction but it's painful to tolerate all of the numbskulls. Also, you'll never guess the ending.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
Two years ago, I premiered what was to be an annual event only for it to crash and burn. Dubbed "Horrors of October", I was going to systematically review the first season of Are You Afraid of the Dark?. I only made it to the first episode before the common cold sucked all of the energy and fun out of me and postponed the project indefinitely.
I wanted to bring back the event so this year I'm going to go with something a bit easier to churn out. I'll watch and review at least one horror movie a day. They can be anything, from films I'm checking out for the first time, to some revisits, to some of my all-time classics. Let's Begin!
Creature (2011)
This 2011 film made waves when it was somehow released into many theaters, let alone one, and became one of the lowest grossing films in nationwide release history. You can tell why: a bunch of horny men and women venture into a haunted part of the Louisiana swamps and come into contact with a half-man, half-crocodile. At least it's supposed to be but the bad prosthetic design actually makes it look like a horrifying live-action rendition of a Ninja Turtle. The film first feels like a mixture between a Syfy Channel-produced flick and the old ways of horror/exploitation movies (meaning lots of T&A), and it has a dumb but easy charm. But then it goes utterly confusing with each passing scene. Characters keep teleporting everywhere, it's unclear who and why people are getting murdered, what's going on with the extra antagonists, why the practical effects are plentiful in one moment and then hidden away for the rest of the film, and why anyone wanted to sit through a scene of softcore incest. It literally culminates with a final battle done off-screen, in some kind of mud hole that comes out of nowhere. Avoid this trash.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
