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When his gearbox shatters apart during a routine flight and a transplant is impossible due to an outdated engine (I blame his bad airplane genes), Dusty Crophopper's racing career has been tragically cut short after only one movie and an opening montage here. He celebrates his misfortune by accidentally creating a destructive fire to his hometown's airstrip. Noting the extensive damage of the fire, the method used to suppress it, and the sheer fact that the town's fire codes and supplies are pitiful, a government official condemns and shuts down the airport until an additional, certified firefighter is hired on. Because there is nothing more exciting in a children's film than a conflict around red tape and quality inspection. Dusty steps forward to take the challenge, both to find a new profession for himself and to save the town's upcoming Corn Festival. His boot-camp and certification is to be conducted at Piston Park, a place that holds a pompous tourist resort and a vast forest that can't go one day without devastating infernos springing right up.
PLANES was a substandard side-story to the disreputable CARS franchise but at least it featured a traditional underdog story and a sprinkle of charm. PLANES: FIRE & RESCUE, on the other hand, is completely worthless. While sitting through it, I wholeheartedly believed it was just another bad movie that I couldn't flat-out hate, a work that a little tyke and his/her parent could waste an afternoon watching yet still walk away partially satisfied. But as I walked out of the cinema and drove away, I realized that my instant opinion was a total lie. Absolutely nothing was gained from viewing this, not even a renewed respect for those who brave into the blazes in order to save human and plant life. I like the actors cast for this but none of them bring any excitement to their vehicles. The plot is way too incredibly piss-poor to tolerate; if Dusty had just said, "My gearbox is in bad shape!" at the start of his training, things would have moved smoother and more people could have been free from potential danger. The hard rock band AC/DC can't even invigorate the action, as "Thunderstruck" is poorly integrated into the first display of firefighting. But, more importantly, there is no drama, no tension able to be generated from watching anthropomorphized cartoon machines amid flames. They never suffer from smoke inhalation, third-degree burns to the metal can be easily fixed with a part swap, and they always, always pull off a job well done, even though a clipboard of the dead looms far in the background. Trust me when I say that this movie is a lost cause. Let it burn away from existence.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
Thank the Star-Lord for a great soundtrack. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, the final installment of Marvel's Phase Two before the AVENGERS sequel next year, effortlessly makes its way into the viewer and strokes his/her pleasure senses routinely, due to the compilation of pop and rock songs assembled by director James Gunn. You may think that this creative decision is just an exploitative way to make us quickly care about the product and its motley crew; After all, didn't we as an American movie-going society decree that Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell's "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" is to be banned from further mistreatment? Well, Gunn read your book, you magnificent bastard. The licensed music often serves a crucial purpose to the space story and, more importantly, to the characterization of its human lead, as fully revealed in its closing moments. As an additional bonus, the audience-friendly soundtrack supports the movie's identity as a healthy alternative to the traditional tropes that STAR WARS set for all fantastical sci-fi films. Why bother trying to support another John Williams when you, like the lead during the opening credits, can walk your own eccentric path, put on a pair of headphones, enjoy the melodic grooves of Redbone, and forget the generic troubles of the galaxy for a change.
Of course, as best illustrated in the gut-wrenching prologue, an awesome mixtape is only a gift, unable to wipe away all troubles. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY is the silver recipient of the Phase Two lineup but features a slew of faults that severely crippled its engines: Important exposition goes by too fast to grasp on to in the early goings. Various action sequences are muddled and near impossible to comprehend, made worst if you are a desperate sucker for 3D projection. But most distressingly, the main antagonists, though deadly and caked in impressively designed costumes and makeup, oddly twiddle their thumbs during the first half until a sheer dumb plot twist of "come at me bro" gets their butts in gear. Despite these heavy blows, the movie stays its course as an entertaining, nearly stellar ride, where the laughs greatly outweigh the thrills.
Peter Quill aka Star-Lord (Chris Pratt), a "Terran" thief that has a Mike Mignola-inspired helmet and the combined traits of Han and Luke, finds himself in a big pickle with his latest snatch-and-grab. He easily steals a barely guarded orb on a desolate planet, a job that he was to do with his blue-skinned father figure Yondu (Michael Rooker). Though an intruding third party tries to kill him over it, he spirits away just in time to avoid their weapons and the wrath of Yondu's army of Ravagers. Unfortunately for his fortunes, his buyer refuses to take it off his hands when news spread that Ronan the Accuser (Lee Pace), a genocidal extremist and a subordinate of the space tyrant Thanos, is the one also seeking the sphere. He sends out one of his borrowed talents to retrieve it: Gamora (Zoe Saldana), a deadly assassin and Thanos' adopted daughter. Yondu further twists the knife by placing a price on Quill's head, which draws the attention of raccoon-like bounty hunter Rocket (voiced by Bradley Cooper) and his plant pal Groot (voiced by Vin Diesel). A drag-out public melee between the four gets them all arrested and shipped out to a space prison, where they eventually meet up with a disgruntled muscleman named Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista).
The story does move beyond the prison, which is simply a small hiccup for the five; I just wanted to preserve the rest of the adventure for you, solely for the wonders of joy Gunn and co-writer Nicole Perlman have in store. The script, though troubled at times, alleviates its few errors of judgment and standard action set-pieces with a huge heaping helping of cartoonish anarchy and bonding buffoonery. The picture becomes fully alive every time the ragtag team communicate with each other, spewing out outrageous wordplay or unleashing a killer closer to a scene. It's pretty fair to say that you will be quoting many of these spoken treasures. You can even feel the inner joy in all of the actors, as they often keep a straight face while delivering lines that range from deliberately stilted to irrelevant nonsense.
All five main actors clearly got something out of the rich material. With this, Pratt gets to become a bonafide action star, showing off a mean streak and a muscular frame that many will be shocked to see. Thankfully, he retains and expertly uses the foolish side of his own demeanor to make Quill a well-rounded, lovable charmer. Saldana got to play another brave and defiant warrior but with a nice little feminist twist added in. Though the animators had all of the fun with Groot, Diesel does give the creature the same innocence and pathos as his Iron Giant. But the two that came away with more to benefit are Cooper and Bautista. Not surprisingly, Rocket is the true shining light of the picture, a darling furry scamp whose hard-edged personality is built from unchecked experimentation and rampant discrimination. Cooper's voice truly makes the character a dynamite presence, hitting the exact right notes when humor or turmoil is called for. On the flip side, semi-professional wrestler Bautista, who has etched a small career nabbing the spotlight in action flicks, is a shocking revelation. Given the arduous task of uttering the most dense dialogue while maintaining a brutish attitude, the big guy exceptionally pulls it off without breaking kayfabe. I would be remiss if I didn't also call attention to fine work put forth by Pace, Rooker, and Karen Gillian as Thanos' other adopted daughter Nebula.
GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY is a gratifying superhero movie that any person can view and not have to worry about things like continuity. It is also the anti-AVENGERS, for better and worst. It avoids weighing down the audience with team-building cynicism in order to make sci-fi fun again but its dramatic stakes border on total inertia. Regardless, in a genre overcrowded with more and more films each year, filled to the brim with brooding, angst-ridden outcasts and citywide destruction, it's nice to kick back and spend the entire time laughing out total bliss.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
A fraternity moves right next door to a house-owning couple (Seth Rogen & Rose Byrne) with a baby in tow. Annoyed with the rampant parties, causing them to act like real adults for a change, the two break their promise with the frat president (Zac Efron) and call the cops on them. From then on, the two families engage in a long contest of mischievousness until one either throws in the towel or is kicked off the block. NEIGHBORS is both extremely funny and purposefully sordid. It relishes having all of the characters behave very badly, solely in order to feature all of the hard partying the audience expects to take in but also use it to make a point about how the lucid lust of college life will eventually make way for reality. All of the cast do a really great job, with Rogen and Bryne bringing the bigger laughs. The two even poke fun at the popular movie stereotype of a slobbish man and hot wife. Unfortunately, there are some elements that quickly sober up the film. Whether it is the screenwriters or director Nicholas Stoller's fault, the story is wildly uneven. Many subplots don't advance and/or reach a proper conclusion, such as Rogen's distaste with his boring tech job, the bros' mission to be included into the frat's wall of fame, and the fate of a supporting character's professional future. There's also the hard stomp to the brakes mid-movie: the hostilities reach an impasse, causing both houses to stand around in quiet discomfort for awhile until Rogen and Byrne finally have the urge again to fight back. This then leads to the film's most distasteful moment; despite featuring a lot of black humor, the film kicks off Act Three with a character hinting at sexual harassment later down the line. It's supposed to show how he/she has gone way too far with this feud, while also making it clear what side the audience should be firmly behind, but the fact that the movie had to go that low is extremely disheartening. Still, NEIGHBORS is an enjoyable comedy that deserves to later be unironically celebrated in every Greek-lettered house.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
Lowly sheep-farmer Albert Stark (Seth MacFarlane) loses his girlfriend (Amanda Seyfried) after a disappointing duel, yet shortly gains a new woman friend (Charlize Theron) who teaches him how to operate a revolver and the game of jealousy. Unfortunately, she is also the wife to a legendary bandit (Liam Neeson). Calling A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST a misfire insults the usage and power of a pun, a vastly inferior form of comedy but still capable of producing a laugh. This movie is an act of terrorism. It contains a cacophonous bushel of sad souls, all screaming out a repertoire of crude/lame groaners before instantly self-imploding after every single one of them bombs on screen. Sure, that's a ridiculously extreme statement but how best can I label this ghastly sight, a picture that left myself and the rest of the paying audience utterly shell-shocked. Just review the plot description again for the first movie error; this western, which goes a full two hours (!), has the foundation of an 80's teen flick. For the first half of this travesty, we are supposed to enjoy seeing 40-year-old MacFarlane trying to woo back someone who can still pass as a teenager, only to eventually realize that there's a far more attractive and talented actress who's willing to laugh at all his awful comedy.
All of the jokes are repeated nonstop and painful to experience, from its first utterance to its 40th encore: Sarah Silverman is a dirty prostitute yet she refuses to have pre-marital sex with her boyfriend; taking a photo was weird back in the day; mustaches are funny, etc. If all else fails, ADR some poop noises, feature a pointless cameo, or switch to anti-comedy. The latter of this lot is the true deal-breaker; there is nothing more painful to sit through than having a character stand in the middle of the frame, breaking and drilling the 4th wall until it's dust, as he/she over-explains what was the joke and why you need to laugh. Nope, I will not laugh nor give you a pity clap, Mr. MacFarlane, for you have wasted my time with your disgraceful movies and helped expedite the modern acceptance of the western genre. And for the sake of everyone involved, Mr. MacFarlane, keep your day job as a voice actor; people want to hear you, not see you.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
A ragged, amnesiac man (Sharlto Copley) wakes up in a huge pit full of corpses, only able to escape with the help of a mute woman. He heads towards a cabin and meets up with several more people with no memory of their lives or of the dangerous scenario that are currently embedded into. Make no mistake, figuring out the mystery can be accomplished after the first couple of recollective clues; Hell, you can even call it once you see how many bodies are littered in the titled hole and spot what marks are on the skin. Once you solve the puzzle, you are then just sitting through this sluggish horror indie, impatiently waiting for the characters to remember everything and for more bad twist of fates to be sprung. Of course, this whole dilemma could have resolved quickly if the mentioned mute wasn't written like a mentally challenged person. She has her memories intact but she can't speak to the others, nor can see write it out unless in Kanji. But the screenwriters, Chris and Eddie Borey, seem to forget that a person can also draw images on to paper, even with a crude touch. I would have loved to see the pack getting frustrated playing Pictionary for a spell rather than all of the yelling and gun-pointing the movie instead features. I will say this though: Other than the satisfactory acting, director Gonzalo López-Gallego did an okay job for once, several years after bequeathing the abomination APOLLO 18 on us all. At least the villains aren't rock spiders this time around.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
This weekend, the dumb sci-fi action film Lucy defeated Hercules at the box office. Many people, including myself, were unaware that Hercules is a loose adaptation of a graphic novel written by Steve Moore, until insane comic book legend Alan Moore (no relation) brought it up two weeks ago, as part of his plea for the American public to boycott the picture. A possible omen? Too hard to tell right now. Regardless, Hollywood made sure to debut a lot of their future at the San Diego Comic-Con. Oh, and gave some time and space to the comic book industry.
This is what I wrote during my recap of last year's event: DC may have stolen the thunder but it looks like a bad storm coming ahead. Well guess what happened this time around?
The biggest news-story of the entire weekend took place right during DC's Hall H panel. In the middle of the huge push for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, where a test clip was shown, director Zack Snyder uploaded an image through his Twitter account, namely a photoshopped pic of Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman. Sporting a shit brown outfit and high heels (!), the look has been decried for it just being a costume pulled out of the storage units for 300, or at least an alternate outfit for Xena. As for the brief clip, it just had both heroes standing around and brooding.
In other DC movie news, Oscar-winning screenwriter Chris Terrio (Argo) has been reported to be be the lucky/unfortunate one to scribe the upcoming Justice League movie.
Meanwhile, over at Marvel, the studio showed early footage and teasers for The Avengers: Age of Ultron. Josh Brolin then stormed the stage, holding the Infinity Gauntlet, flat-out confirming that he will playing Thanos, the galactic tyrant that had confused every normal viewer of The Avengers. It was also announced that Guardians of the Galaxy 2 will have James Gunn returning as director and will come out in 2017.
Ant-Man Evangeline Lilly and Corey Stoll's characters were made public, as Hope Pym and Darren Cross respectively. Who, you may ask? Hope is an original movie character, the daughter of Michael Douglas' Hank Pym. It's pretty obvious to everyone that this love interest for Paul Rudd's Scott Lang/Ant-Man will be the future Wasp. Darren Cross, on the other hand, is a generic evil industrialist in the Marvel Comics universe. Further complicating matters is that Cross is to be the supervillain Yellowjacket, aka one of Hank Pym's many identities, most infamously known as "The Wifebeater Outfit". But it wasn't all good news for the troubled production to spin: Amid the festivities, Patrick Wilson and two other actors left the project, largely due to the on-going changes with the troubled project's script.
Also, casting rumors were rampant, as many trades announced that Joaquin Phoenix is currently being considered to headline the Dr. Strange movie. Benedict Cumberbatch and his legion of fans were left crying.
Godzilla 2 is a go, but not till Gareth Edwards' Star Wars spin-off is in the can. To much fanfare, Big G's good ole punching buddies Mothra, Rodan, and Ghidorah will be popping in the sequel. To conclude the ceremony, Legendary Pictures floored everyone with the announcement of Skull Island, a new reboot of King Kong.
Mad Max: Fury Road had a strong showing, largely thanks to its gorily insane teaser trailer. Looks pretty cool.
Other movie news: Quentin Tarantino confirmed that he will be giving the green light to The Hateful Eight; Sam Raimi made waves with the video game community, announcing that he is producing the live-action film adaptation of the PS3 game The Last of Us; Guillermo Del Rio gave a sneak peek at Crimson Peak; Michael Mann showed some footage for his new film Blackhat, which will come out at the end of this year; and the title animation for Warcraft debuted (hooray?)
Once the convention closed its doors, a couple of trailers premiered online: a small teaser for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 and a red-band cut of next month's Sin City: A Dame to Kill For.
