My Tops of 2013 - July

WORLD WAR Z was the worst as an book adaptation but it is an entertaining "zombie" epic.

THIS IS THE END made myself laugh at the apocalypse again.

HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS had some fine gore and some campiness but nothing to truly warrant a rental.

MOVIE 43 was an abysmal sketch movie, wasting the talents of its huge cast.

THE LAST EXORCISM PART II shouldn't have been been released into theaters, considering it is just another bad DTV sequel to a much better horror movie.

THE CALL was a pretty good thriller until its highly questionable last act.

JACK THE GIANT SLAYER had bipolar tendencies, a crappy script that took from the PIRATES franchise wholesale, and an entertainment rating in the negatives.

DESPICABLE ME 2 was like its first film, another breezy sitcom-like script with the Minions unwisely in the background.

MONSTERS UNIVERSITY had some great laughs, characters, and a new side of the monsters world but it drove myself to extremes with its anti-American Dream message.

PACIFIC RIM had some shortcomings in the plot yet it was just too damn enjoyable and breathtaking to behold.

THE INCREDIBLE BURT WONDERSTONE was an unfunny, arrogant comedy with an awful lead performance by Steve Carell.

WOULD YOU RATHER had a nice Jeffrey Combs but its Twilight Zone story was easy to plan out.

DEAD MAN DOWN had some good performances, direction and drama but was nicked by its slow pacing and harsh editing.

TEMPTATION: CONFESSIONS OF A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR is a great Murphy's Law film.

IDENTITY THIEF maybe had a nice Melissa McCarthy performance but its misgiving with its story are too hard to forgive.

20 FEET FROM STARDOM was a rip-roaring celebration of the unsung voices in the music industry.

PHANTOM was a snore where Russians speak perfect American.

TURBO spent too much time rip-offing Pixar works than crafting its own characters or plot.

THE WOLVERINE wasn't that bad, though it seemingly wanted us to care more about its next franchise entry than the actual film.

THE HEAT had a too flimsy story but it was extremely funny.

PARKER was an okay action vehicle for Jason Statham but not for Jennifer Lopez.

WELCOME TO THE PUNCH was a vibrant, thrilling John Woo-esque journey through English cops and robbers. Too bad the twists are easily expected.


Best Films of 2013


1. Pain & Gain

2. Spring Breakers

3. 20 Feet from Stardom

4. Pacific Rim

5. The Croods

6. Now You See Me

7. Side Effects


Worst Films of 2013


1. After Earth

2. The Hangover: Part III

3. Man of Steel

4. Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

5. The Internship

6. Movie 43

7. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

8. A Good Day to Die Hard

9. Jack the Giant Slayer

10. To the Wonder

11. Beautiful Creatures

12. A Haunted House

13. The Last Exorcism Part II

Brief Film Reviews - July 2013 (3)

A couple of 2013 films that are still in theaters:



Turbo

The titled snail dreams of racing in the Indy 500, only to oddly be given the chance when he ingests nitrous oxide from a street-racing car. Yeah, it makes no sense and sadly the film doesn't get any better. Dreamworks Animation had the opportunity to continue its first place run against the dwindling in quality Pixar, only to be tripped up by this misfire and be in great need of repairs. It doesn't help that it's pretty much a clone of RATATOUILLE, complete with a foolish human who helps him and his eccentric compatriots, though they work at a decrepit mall strip instead of a famous restaurant. But the biggest head-slap is the main character; I guess he had a chaser of Windex after all of that nitrous oxide because he has a see-through personality. There is no reason to like the mollusk, no further characterization for him beyond "gotta go fast!" None of the other characters do anything special either, even though they have extremely talented stars voicing them. The only teeth-grating performance goes to whoever voiced that heinous little kid that exclaims, "Whoa! That snail is fast!", which is then repeated endlessly, non-stop, until it becomes the hook for an ear-pulling techno song. Other than its adequate animation, TURBO deserves to be disqualified from any further praise.


FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5



The Heat

In order to be a highly touted candidate for a job opening in her FBI offices, Sandra Bullock's straight-laced character must prove to her departing boss that she has what it takes to be both an investigator and a team player. Too bad her assigned case greatly tests her comfort zone, as she partners up with a foul Boston police officer (Melissa McCarthy) to take a drug ring. Honestly, you know that you're not going into this for the story because it is certainly plain vanilla. All of the buddy cop beats and cliches pop up and you'll be eye-rolling for a good minute when they are later taken off the case. Thankfully, director Paul Feig (BRIDESMAIDS), screenwriter Katie Dippold, and the talented Bullock and McCarthy make THE HEAT work with inexhaustible laughs. There are some many show-stopping moments where you'll be grasping for air, just so you can laugh some more. A few of these highlights put the R rating to great use, testing your limit at chuckling at others' bodily misfortunes. There's also a rich supporting cast, from the charming Marlon Wayans, to Dan Bakkedahl as an albino DEA agent, to McCarthy's scene-chewing bawdy Bostonian family, featuring the likes of Jane Curtin and pop singer Joey McIntyre. The flat plot does hinder it significantly but this is sure to become more appreciated as time goes by.


FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5

Brief Film Reviews - July 2013 (2)

Some more 2013 films that have hit video:



The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

A disdainful Las Vegas magician is shown up by a young Criss Angel/David Blaine street magician, played by a 51-year-old actor, and we are supposed to root for the former to defeat the latter. Frankly, no wins in this scenario. I was particularly tickled by John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein script for HORRIBLE BOSSES but here the two display no humor whatsoever. This is further helped by Steve Carell's unbearable performance of a loathsome man. He sucks the life and fun out of any scene throughout this picture. The only things able to stand out here are the lively Olivia Wilde, continuing her long line of underutilized supporting roles, and James Gandolfini as a sleazy old casino head. Just walk away and let the magic die.


FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5



Would You Rather

A struggling college dropout (Brittany Snow), who left because of her brother's medical problems, is invited to participate at a dinner/social gathering helmed by a powerfully rich benefactor (Jeffrey Combs). In order to walk away from the table and have their debts erased, she and several others must play the titled child's game but with more dangerous options. A Twilight Zone episode script stretched too long, mixed in with a few recent examples such as SAW and 13 TZAMETI, the film is way too easy to spot its beats, twists, and final outcome. It keeps flip-flopping on its gore effects; choosing when to go practical or CG, showing the horrific actions or cutting away at the last second. Combs is the only reason to watch this for, replicating a "perfect host" character that would fit like a glove for Vincent Price.


FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5



Dead Man Down

Noomi Rapace videotapes her building neighbor (Colin Farrell) killing someone in his apartment and blackmails him into murdering the man who disfigured her in a car accident. However, he has other pressing matters to contend with, namely a massive takedown of his own gang. The movie is certainly helped by director Niels Arden Oplev (the Swedish GIRL WITH DRAGON TATTOO), who crafts a distressing view of revenge and internal guilt. Both Rapace and Farrell are able to work nicely with the material, as does the rest of the qualified cast (Terence Howard, Isabelle Huppert, etc.). The pace is a bit too slow and there are too many exploitive scenes where Rapace is humiliated or gawked at. The bullet-spewing action finale would be a true standout scene if the camera and editing would just relax for more than a split second. Slightly disappointing but a good brooding thriller.


FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5



Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

I couldn't take my eyes away from the train-wreck that was this movie. This can accurately be called the REEFER MADNESS of the 2010's. A disgruntled-with-life college graduate is stuck working for a rich match-maker and begins to drift pass the charms of her pharmacist husband and into the arms of a tech billionaire. Everything under the hands of Tyler Perry goes completely wrong: the plot gets absolutely batshit, filled to the brim with Christian messages, PG-13 approved cocaine use (i.e. hidden away and many shots of people snorting their noses), and heightened violence and glass-breaking; the torrid affair is so poor and non-present with clunker after clunker dialogue; Lance Gross is supposed to be meek and boring yet is far sexier and better built compared to mush-mouth and stringy Robbie Jones; Brandy has an odd subplot that somehow is included into the main character's flashbacks and narration; Perry directs and shoots everything from far away of the action; the pace is so slow that you literally watch two people get out of their car, walk up the stairs, enter their passcode, and walk into an apartment building; the final reveal is super laughably bad; and any scene where Kim Kardashian talks and "acts". The only time the movie acknowledges its craziness is when it thankfully explains what's with Vanessa Williams' bad French accent. One of the top giant disasters of the year.

FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5



Identity Thief

The unfortunately named Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman) is forced to transport the woman who has destroyed his credit (Melissa McCarthy) from Florida to Colorado, thus creating a love-hate relationship and many bonding scenes, because the proper authorities would have curtailed the movie too quick. This fluffed up MIDNIGHT RUN is not a laugh riot but is only able to coast by thanks to its leads. Despite the comedic flair of McCarthy, who also gets a couple of good moments showing her emotional depth, her character is frankly a horrible person to cheer, as there are certainly others she has ruined in the past. The makers also waste a huge cast of talented actors, whether it is Genesis Rodriguez and T.I. as mob muscle in a subplot that goes nowhere, Robert Patrick as a bounty hunter, John Cho as Sandy's co-worker, or Amanda Peet as his underdeveloped wife. Too sugar-coated and wrong-headed to be an enjoyable, pleasant comedy.


FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5



Phantom

A bunch of Russians are sent off in a diesel-fueled submarine as part of a secret operation helmed by two KGB agents. Very, very loosely based on a real-life incident during the Cold War, this extremely generic sub drama has next to nothing of worth. The most baffling element is that this is an American production, filled with some talented actors like Will Harris and William Fichtner, who all do not even remotely try to have a Russian accent. Who really wanted this tale to be told? And, who would really believe David Duchovny to be a heavy? Written and directed by a never-was Todd Robinson, this film is not even middling enough to emerge out of a rental box.


FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5



Parker

After being spurned and left for dead by a crew of robbers, the titled character heads off to the snooty realm of Palm Beach to ruin their next snatch-and-grab operation. Considering that the Parker character is well-known in crime fiction, not to mention featured in many features including the action opus POINT BLANK, this should be a great thrill-ride. Instead, it is just fine at it is. Director Taylor Hackford and star Jason Statham thankfully kept and play him respectively as he is supposed to be: ruthless, willing to kill if trifled with, but feature a few white elements to balance out his black heart. The main problem with the film is Jennifer Lopez's character and the package she brings. She is too ditzy to be a credible hanger-on and stupidly gets involved towards the end. Then, there's the case with her bringing a Robin Hood-esque vibe to the film, where Parker is seen as a respectable thug since he abuses the rich to treat the poor like her. The action can be too shaky-cam at times but it's effectively violent. A good time killer.


FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5



Welcome to the Punch

English cop Max (James MacAvoy) is still looking for revenge against Jacob Sternwood (Mark Strong), the man who gave him a bum leg after a robbery. He gets his chance three years later when Jacob's son gets sent to the hospital, possibly in connection to a high-profile gun crime. Sadly, nothing is what it seems and a super-tangled-up conspiracy severely hurts a potentially awesome crime thriller that mixes HEAT with John Woo's early films. MacAvoy and Strong are highly emotive then they have to be for their basic characters. The same goes for the rest of the cast, including Andrea Riseborough, Peter Mullan, and Walking Dead favorite David Morrissey. The cinematography is pretty evocative, though clad heavily in blue tones, and the violent gunfire exchanges are well-staged. An exceptional made feature by up-and-coming Eran Creevy, though he needs some polishing on the writing end.


FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5

The Wolverine - Review

Let's face facts; THE WOLVERINE was made for two specific reasons: to keep the immortal warrior and the rest of the Marvel mutant kind in the hands of 20th Century Fox and to set up the next X-Men movie. Yes, Fox now wants to do an AVENGERS build-up, so after two hours of general entertainment, they end with a mid-credit stinger that will have everyone talking about until next year's DAYS OF FUTURE PAST. That is really too bad for James Mangold because THE WOLVERINE in itself has the right ingredients for a nearly superb comic book flick. Taking on the project from Darren Aronofsky, the prolific genre director crafts a Japanese tale full of tradition, exoticism, and modern technology. Yet, the film will surely be passed over by jaded viewers as something to rent before the next big thing instead of experiencing in a cold, cool theater.


The film has a complete conundrum at its birth: this is the first Wolverine-centric movie after the infamous X-MEN ORIGINS debacle and it deliberately takes place after X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, the inferior and not well liked entry in the trilogy. Except for a recurring appearance of Famke Janssen in a nightie, and of course the stinger, the latter is thankfully swept under the rug. Logan has been residing in a quantum of solace in the Canadian woods as a wild man. Realizing that they don't want to make the equivalent of a bad Bond movie, the makers have him going after some jackass hunters. He is approached by a wild red-haired swordswoman named Yukio (Rila Fukushima), who also happens to be a seer for plot purposes. She is to escort him to Tokyo so he can say his goodbyes to Ichiro Yashida (Haruhiko Yamanouchi), a former Japanese officer he rescued in WWII Nagasaki. Ichiro wants Logan to forgo his travels as a ronin and to protect his granddaughter Mariko (Tao Okamoto) from the Yakuza and other outside forces. He also offers Logan the ability to die honorable, relinquishing his health regeneration and immortality. Knowing that it is stupid to give up this gift and a dumb crutch for bad writers like David Goyer, Logan refuses the offer. However, he is robbed of it by a mysterious blonde doctor the night before a major kidnapping attempt of Mariko. The two run off to lay low, especially in the case of a now-human Logan, and to figure out why everyone wants them both captured.


For the most part, the film effortlessly works as a simple yakuza flick. Clearly homaging the works of Kinji Fukusaku, the movie has a honorable "samurai" who is treading in the muddy waters of gang violence, corruption, and sleaze. The villains, from the heads to the lowly minions, are all rash hot-heads who rather bathe in money and cheap women than fight with honor and humanity. Then to make the picture more comic-book-like, the makers throw in a large ninja clan and the Silver Samurai, a mythical protector of the Yashida family who is replicated into a giant human-size mech. Though these two adversaries lead to some awesome and visually striking moments, including a complete house takedown, they also are tied to the odd misgivings that hurt the entire movie experience. Screenwriters Mark Bomback and Scott Frank sought to compound the plot with a massive Logan conspiracy involving his healing factor. Instead of just having him come to Tokyo and then capture him so they can experiment, these shady individuals instead wanted him to run all over the place on many fetch and rescue Mariko operations before finally getting him locked into a chair. Worst yet, this is helped run by the as-mentioned doctor dubbed Viper, a woman with the non-exciting powers of Toad and the campy attitude of Uma Thurman's Poison Ivy. I don't lay the blame on the actress (TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY's Sventlana Khodchenkova) but her character, as she is somehow displayed as a master of evil and near invulnerable(?) yet looks and behaves like a third-rate femme fatale.


Saying that Hugh Jackman is great as Wolverine is a given as this point. Okamoto is fine as the alluring Mariko and thankfully gets to fight back during the many kidnap attempts. Nonetheless, her fashion model body is highly distracting. Japanese character actor Hiroyuki Sanada also has a strong impression as Shingen Yashida, the father of Mariko. However, the real surprise was Fukushima; she delivers many badass scenes and plays well off Jackman. Though she is designed to be a surrogate of Kitty Pryde and Jubilee, two famed partners of Logan in the comics, Yukio is also his equal as a lone warrior who is held down by social castes and opinions. Fukushima is able to handle these moments where she is practically spit upon or drifting alone in silence. I also liked to mention Naoya Ogawa and Atsushi Sawada, not to praise them for their portrayals as Yakuza Member #1 and #2 but the fact that I get a kick of seeing pro-wrestling/MMA stars facing off with Marvel's finest.


THE WOLVERINE was surprisingly enjoyable and a nice continuing rebound for the X-MEN movie franchise. If only Fox can learn to make things simple for a change, the film could be more highly rated. Just because you need to have big effects to draw eyes doesn't mean you need to have big ideas that then later turn to out to be flimsier than a potato chip. Of course the biggest problem Fox needs to face, other than superhero fatigue, is that people are trusting more of Disney and Marvel to handle the theatrics from now on. More and more would rather see Wolverine in the next AVENGERS than be the sole holder to a franchise that has been heavily ruined by the Fox hands. Maybe DAYS OF FUTURE PAST will waive these fears but you must remember that we have already seen a recent Bryan Singer "blockbuster" helmed by him and supposedly tampered by studio intervention.



FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5

Dennis Farina - RIP

Modern character actor Dennis Farina has died. He was 69 years old.

The Chicago native was known for being a staple of crime films and television, whether in the naked city, London, or Hollywood. He was well-known for playing the heavy in two major crime-comedies, Midnight Run and Get Shorty. Avid TV watchers will remember him for his work with Michael Mann on Crime Story and taking over the lead detective position from Jerry Orbach on the then long-running Law and Order.

He will sorely be missed.

Comic-Con 2013 Recap

Another San Diego Comic-Con, another domination of upcoming Hollywood films. There were some brief teasers from Godzilla and World of Warcraft, supplemented by cast and/or director enthusiasm. There was the Ender's Game panel, where the guests tried to spin the expected backlash against Orson Scott Card's homophobia but were meet with annoying losers who pestered the always grumpy Harrison Ford with Han Solo and Indiana Jones questions. Tom Cruise and Sandra Bullock made surprise appearances for their sci-fi films. Also, there were some comic book news. But why pay attention to that when we have Seventh Son and Divergent to promote, even though one or both will surely bomb at the box office.


Of course the main news came from the film studios of Marvel and DC Comics. DC may have stolen the thunder but it looks like a bad storm coming ahead.



After expunging greatness to this year's Thor: The Dark World, with a campy opening by Tom Hiddleston in his Loki attire, and next year's Captain America sequel and Guardians of the Galaxy, the other shoe dropped with the subtitle reveal of The Avengers 2 at the end. Dubbed "Age of Ultron", referring to the killer robot devised by the still non-presented "Ant-Man" Hank Pym, it had news sites scrambling once again to inform the general populace of the next villain. Pre- and during the Comic-Con festivities, actor Vin Diesel has been teasing of possibly being the man behind the Ant mask but some have speculated that he will voice Ultron instead, balancing out all of the good robot karma he had for playing as the titled character in The Iron Giant.


Outside the Disney household but still raiding the cookie jar was Sony's The Amazing Spider-Man 2. They had the cast talk and showed some footage of Jaime Foxx's Electro in action. All well in good but the film still looks to be ho-hum, except for Foxx's laughable electric head.



Unintentionally or not, the major reveal of DC Comics film line was spoiled by the likes of Variety and Deadline: 2015 will feature the Man of Steel sequel but it will feature Batman in it as well, as evident by a horrible logo. Since Man earned so much money, despite being a travesty of a film and of the character, the main three crew members (Zach Snyder, David Goyer, Henry Cavill) will return. Oh what joy. No one has been picked to play Batman yet and Christian Bale absolutely does not wish to return to the role for now. The film has been hinted at somehow being an adaptation of The Dark Knight Returns, despite the milestone comic being nearly thirty years old, out of date with its politics and social environment, and the fact that DC Comics just did a two-part animated version of the tale. Oh, and the fact that it is a Superman sequel, not another Nolan Batman. 2016 will have a major big-screen attempt for The Flash character and 2017 is to be the year for the long-gestated Justice League film.


As evident by the short time-table, DC really wants to win the superhero movie battle with a two-film set up to its tentpole. Man of Steel wasn't the Iron Man for their new film venture, nor did it have any foreshadowing to entice viewers. As much as I love The Flash, especially the live-action and animated television versions, I feel that his film might be another Green Lantern on the company's hands. However, the big, big elephant in the room is the lack of Wonder Woman. I know that Marvel hasn't attempted to do a female led blockbuster yet or even in the planning stages but it's extremely ridiculous that the icon of female superheroes, one of DC's Trinity, still doesn't have a green-lit production. Is she really going to be introduced in Justice League, possibly even with either with a John Stewart version of Green Lantern or Cyborg? Do we need another super white boy movie?

Poster Review - Comic-Con Edition

Comic-Con is this weekend, and the studios have already released their special movie posters:




Crap, Hedorah has defeated Godzilla and transformed into a walking pile of the destructive building waste he helped produced. Pretty cool artwork.



a.k.a All You Need Is Kill. With Tom Cruise at the top and the drab color scheme, this looks like the ultra-quick sequel to this year's Oblivion. So quick that they stole the props from Elysium and slapped on some Call of Duty war paint.



The movie looks cool but this is just flat, especially with the lack of background art. Plus, that shoe-like turd on the guy's head bothers me.



Oh boy. The Van Helsing-inspired movies haven't been good or drawing any audiences and this is no exception.


UPDATE: Another one worthy to note: You're Next. You need to expand it to clearly view it.