Some more 2013 films that have hit video:
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
A disdainful Las Vegas magician is shown up by a young Criss Angel/David Blaine street magician, played by a 51-year-old actor, and we are supposed to root for the former to defeat the latter. Frankly, no wins in this scenario. I was particularly tickled by John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein script for HORRIBLE BOSSES but here the two display no humor whatsoever. This is further helped by Steve Carell's unbearable performance of a loathsome man. He sucks the life and fun out of any scene throughout this picture. The only things able to stand out here are the lively Olivia Wilde, continuing her long line of underutilized supporting roles, and James Gandolfini as a sleazy old casino head. Just walk away and let the magic die.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
Would You Rather
A struggling college dropout (Brittany Snow), who left because of her brother's medical problems, is invited to participate at a dinner/social gathering helmed by a powerfully rich benefactor (Jeffrey Combs). In order to walk away from the table and have their debts erased, she and several others must play the titled child's game but with more dangerous options. A Twilight Zone episode script stretched too long, mixed in with a few recent examples such as SAW and 13 TZAMETI, the film is way too easy to spot its beats, twists, and final outcome. It keeps flip-flopping on its gore effects; choosing when to go practical or CG, showing the horrific actions or cutting away at the last second. Combs is the only reason to watch this for, replicating a "perfect host" character that would fit like a glove for Vincent Price.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
Dead Man Down
Noomi Rapace videotapes her building neighbor (Colin Farrell) killing someone in his apartment and blackmails him into murdering the man who disfigured her in a car accident. However, he has other pressing matters to contend with, namely a massive takedown of his own gang. The movie is certainly helped by director Niels Arden Oplev (the Swedish GIRL WITH DRAGON TATTOO), who crafts a distressing view of revenge and internal guilt. Both Rapace and Farrell are able to work nicely with the material, as does the rest of the qualified cast (Terence Howard, Isabelle Huppert, etc.). The pace is a bit too slow and there are too many exploitive scenes where Rapace is humiliated or gawked at. The bullet-spewing action finale would be a true standout scene if the camera and editing would just relax for more than a split second. Slightly disappointing but a good brooding thriller.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor
I couldn't take my eyes away from the train-wreck that was this movie. This can accurately be called the REEFER MADNESS of the 2010's. A disgruntled-with-life college graduate is stuck working for a rich match-maker and begins to drift pass the charms of her pharmacist husband and into the arms of a tech billionaire. Everything under the hands of Tyler Perry goes completely wrong: the plot gets absolutely batshit, filled to the brim with Christian messages, PG-13 approved cocaine use (i.e. hidden away and many shots of people snorting their noses), and heightened violence and glass-breaking; the torrid affair is so poor and non-present with clunker after clunker dialogue; Lance Gross is supposed to be meek and boring yet is far sexier and better built compared to mush-mouth and stringy Robbie Jones; Brandy has an odd subplot that somehow is included into the main character's flashbacks and narration; Perry directs and shoots everything from far away of the action; the pace is so slow that you literally watch two people get out of their car, walk up the stairs, enter their passcode, and walk into an apartment building; the final reveal is super laughably bad; and any scene where Kim Kardashian talks and "acts". The only time the movie acknowledges its craziness is when it thankfully explains what's with Vanessa Williams' bad French accent. One of the top giant disasters of the year.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
Identity Thief
The unfortunately named Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman) is forced to transport the woman who has destroyed his credit (Melissa McCarthy) from Florida to Colorado, thus creating a love-hate relationship and many bonding scenes, because the proper authorities would have curtailed the movie too quick. This fluffed up MIDNIGHT RUN is not a laugh riot but is only able to coast by thanks to its leads. Despite the comedic flair of McCarthy, who also gets a couple of good moments showing her emotional depth, her character is frankly a horrible person to cheer, as there are certainly others she has ruined in the past. The makers also waste a huge cast of talented actors, whether it is Genesis Rodriguez and T.I. as mob muscle in a subplot that goes nowhere, Robert Patrick as a bounty hunter, John Cho as Sandy's co-worker, or Amanda Peet as his underdeveloped wife. Too sugar-coated and wrong-headed to be an enjoyable, pleasant comedy.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
Phantom
A bunch of Russians are sent off in a diesel-fueled submarine as part of a secret operation helmed by two KGB agents. Very, very loosely based on a real-life incident during the Cold War, this extremely generic sub drama has next to nothing of worth. The most baffling element is that this is an American production, filled with some talented actors like Will Harris and William Fichtner, who all do not even remotely try to have a Russian accent. Who really wanted this tale to be told? And, who would really believe David Duchovny to be a heavy? Written and directed by a never-was Todd Robinson, this film is not even middling enough to emerge out of a rental box.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
Parker
After being spurned and left for dead by a crew of robbers, the titled character heads off to the snooty realm of Palm Beach to ruin their next snatch-and-grab operation. Considering that the Parker character is well-known in crime fiction, not to mention featured in many features including the action opus POINT BLANK, this should be a great thrill-ride. Instead, it is just fine at it is. Director Taylor Hackford and star Jason Statham thankfully kept and play him respectively as he is supposed to be: ruthless, willing to kill if trifled with, but feature a few white elements to balance out his black heart. The main problem with the film is Jennifer Lopez's character and the package she brings. She is too ditzy to be a credible hanger-on and stupidly gets involved towards the end. Then, there's the case with her bringing a Robin Hood-esque vibe to the film, where Parker is seen as a respectable thug since he abuses the rich to treat the poor like her. The action can be too shaky-cam at times but it's effectively violent. A good time killer.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
Welcome to the Punch
English cop Max (James MacAvoy) is still looking for revenge against Jacob Sternwood (Mark Strong), the man who gave him a bum leg after a robbery. He gets his chance three years later when Jacob's son gets sent to the hospital, possibly in connection to a high-profile gun crime. Sadly, nothing is what it seems and a super-tangled-up conspiracy severely hurts a potentially awesome crime thriller that mixes HEAT with John Woo's early films. MacAvoy and Strong are highly emotive then they have to be for their basic characters. The same goes for the rest of the cast, including Andrea Riseborough, Peter Mullan, and Walking Dead favorite David Morrissey. The cinematography is pretty evocative, though clad heavily in blue tones, and the violent gunfire exchanges are well-staged. An exceptional made feature by up-and-coming Eran Creevy, though he needs some polishing on the writing end.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
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