Tuesday, January 31, 2017

My Tops of 2017 - January

ONE PIECE FILM: GOLD is just an average shonen anime film but it's an entertaining one packed with wall-to-wall casinos, a literal definition of Lady Luck, and a final battle involving a golden colossus.

I was able to kick off the new year with at least watching one new movie, in theaters no less! It also put me in the mood for more action epics and animated flair.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Streets of Fire Finally Coming To Blu-Ray!

My prayers have been answered! Walter Hill's underrated masterpiece Streets of Fire is finally coming to Blu-ray courtesy of Shout! Factory.

As you can see from my current and long-standing website banner, I'm a huge fan of the 1984 action MTV musical. The film flopped upon its initial release but became a very popular and influential movie over in Japan, where it helped shape many video games and famous anime titles such as Bubblegum Crisis and Megazone 23. Meanwhile in America, the public was more in tune with its soundtrack, most notably Dan Hartman's "I Can Dream About You". It has since developed a big cult following and has several famous admirers such as director Edgar Wright.

This isn't the first time the movie is presented in high definition however. The film was first released on the ill-fated HD-DVD, where it retained the less-than-stellar recent video cover art of Michael Paré holding a rifle and Diane Lane holding on to his arm. Expect a new beautiful cover for the film from Shout! Factory, along with a flip-side cover of the original poster art.

This fantastic announcement did dash a recent plan for myself doing a personal listicle of films I want to come to Blu-ray, with Streets of Fire naturally taking the top spot. I do expect to compile it together some day so be on the lookout for it.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

2017 Sundance Film Festival Overview

So how about that Sundance Film Festival, huh? No, I'm not joking. The annual film festival based out of Park City did take place. I absolutely understand that you had no knowledge of it because even I had a hard time remembering. There are far more pressing concerns right now in our nation than some dumb collection of overrated movies being given fat paychecks for their distribution rights.

However, I wanted to still take a look at the festival, especially since I gave it the cold shoulder last year and didn't cover it at all. Honestly though, my decision to forgo the 2016 edition ended up being a wise one: nearly all of the notable features bombed and/or quickly faded into obscurity (remember Morris From America? How about Other People?) save for the two much bid upon titles/Oscar hopefuls Manchester By The Sea and Birth of a Nation and the curious documentary piece that was Tickled.

So, as per usual, I'll first talk about the big award winner of Sundance, then go through all of the curious pieces, the melodramatic dreck, the failed experiments, the cult gems, the horror shows, and the rest that I see fit to print.

Finally breaking the seemingly unending cycle, the U.S. Grand Jury Prize and the Audience Award for Dramatic didn't go to the same film. The Grand Jury Prize went to I Don't Feel At Home In This World Anymore, directed by Jeremy Saulnier's childhood friend/lucky charm Macon Blair. The black comedy crime film follows a fed-up Melanie Lynskey as she tries to locate the punks who burglarized her home and stole her silverware. It was already picked up by Netflix in advance, to the point where the trailer even premiered online, and is set to hit the platform on February 24. I have very mixed feelings about this movie. I'm all for praising Blair's acting chops but the film looks like he just copied everything off his best friend Saulnier. You have poor and not too bright people getting way over their heads, general suburban misery, dark lighting, flashes of bleak humor, and violent set pieces in a forest environment. Could be good but most definitely will not be remembered by the end of the year, let alone by summertime.

The Audience Award for Dramatic went to Crown Heights, a drama adaptation of a real life story that aired on This American Life. It tells of how Colin Warner was wrongly arrested and convicted of a murder he didn't commit and how his best friend Carl King spent years trying to free him. Amazon Studios picked up the distribution. I know we are all still riding on the true crime gravy train but this sounds like just another throwaway, despite the efforts of newcomer Matt Buskin. Critics also weren't so hot on it so expect to put this in your Amazon Prime Watchlist, keep it baking for a long spell before eventually deleting when you eventually realize that you will never have the time or interest in seeing it.

The two Sundance movies I was looking forward into hearing more about both kinda received some raves but generally were split down the middle. The Big Sick gives a fictional view of the real life courtship between stand-up comedian/actor Kumail Nanjiani and his future wife Emily Gordon. Nanjiani plays himself while resident indie darling Zoe Kazan steps in for Gordon. Ray Romano and Holly Hunter also appear as Emily's parents, who proceed to bring more trouble to the couple than help. The well received dramedy, directed by Michael Showalter (Wet Hot American Summer), had several studios feverishly bidding for it, with Amazon Studios forking over $12 million for it. With the right marketing strategy, which will come easy since Judd Apatow is one of the film's producers, the company can certainly make back that high investment before the eventual premiere on their Prime platform. While that movie earned much adoration from critics, Landline kinda fell by the wayside. This dramedy reunited Obvious Child director Gillian Robespierre with her star Jenny Slate, who travels back to 1995 to play a woman who tries to balance a dangerous love triangle between her, her fiancee, and a former flame while looking out for her younger sister and the ongoing turmoil between their parents. Amazon Studios also picked this one up but will have a tougher time selling it. Many critics enjoyed the always pleasing Slate but the film itself was seen as a sophomore slump for Robespierre.

Sundance often contains a bunch of future cult gems in the rough and this year was no exception. David Lowery, the man who wowed critics and the public with the quiet family remake of Pete's Dragon, got his stars of Ain't Them Bodies Saints to reunite for A Ghost Story. Casey Affleck and Rooney Mara plays a bickering couple whose house is haunted by, what else, a ghost. However, the ghost itself is eventually revealed in the form of the standard kiddie version, as in a person wearing a white sheet with two eye holes. Very odd but it could work with Lowery's penchant for Malick-esque flourishes. Mara also shows up in The Discovery, another sci-fi mindbender from Charlie McDowell (The One I Love). Jason Segel tries to confront his scientist father Robert Redford at his New England home, some time after the elder man discovered proof of an afterlife and the consequences that it brings. Comic book fans rejoiced at the premiere of Wilson, the film adaptation of the acclaimed graphic novel by Daniel Clowes, with Woody Harrelson stepping in as the titular misanthrope. For those looking something along the lines of mean girls being mean, Thoroughbred has you covered. New Sundance sweethearts Anya Taylor-Joy and Olivia Cooke star as former best friends who start to hang out again, largely since the latter's mother is paying the former, only to engage in antisocial behavior. And for those who want to see female rappers get their chance at a biopic, Roxanne Roxanne retells how one NYC teenager dared to sing out against popular rap act U.T.F.O. and helped create one of the most famous beefs ever in hip-hop history.

As for the ones that misfired or worse: Fox Searchlight spent $10.5 million for Patti Cake$, a supposedly winning dramedy about an overweight white female rapper from New Jersey, but critics largely rejected it for being predictably generic. An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth To Power continued the boring lecturing adventures of Al Gore about global warming but many questioned how the globetrotting aspect made it look cheap and at how Gore spends a lot of time giving himself a high five for his actions. The Yellow Birds was hailed for its cinematography from Daniel Landin (Under The Skin) but its heavy "war is hell" message and a waste of a mystery brought cat-calls. Alex Ross Perry struck out with Golden Exits, a boring romantic drama starring nobody's favorite actress Emily Browning. And last but not least, Taylor Sheridan moved away from his award-winning screenplay work to direct the seemingly disappointing Wind River, which has game hunter Jeremy Renner and FBI agent Elizabeth Olsen trying to solve a murder on a Native American reservation in the harsh winter of Wyoming.

Not a lot of buzz came from the documentary side of the festival this year besides mainly An Incovenient Sequel. The only other one that's interesting to talk about is Nobody Speak: Hulk Hogan, Gawker and Trials of a Free Press. This hastily produced picture of course talks about the timely news story of how retired professional wrestler Hulk Hogan helped take down a prominent gossip-mongering website after much scandal, largely thanks to a rich benefactor.

Finally, the super special secret screening this year wasn't for some awful, forgettable sci-fi movie but surprisingly for Get Out. A good pick for the festival and by all accounts a very praiseworthy film for our current times.

I could go on and talk about some more titles like Mudbound and Beach Rats but they have the usual stink of Sundance indie tripe. That, plus I just simply have no interest in talking about them. I also sadly don't have the urge to look at the Slamdance Film Festival this time around. Maybe next year, we will all have a great iteration of the Sundance Film Festival to wash away the two years of less-than-stellar efforts.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Mary Tyler Moore - RIP

Legendary actress and all-around sweetheart Mary Tyler Moore has died. She was 80 years old.

She became a star overnight in 1961 when Carl Reiner cast her as Laura Petrie in The Dick Van Dyke Showm, which earned her universal acclaim and a couple of Emmys. She then achieved complete superstardom in 1970 when The Mary Tyler Moore Show premiered on CBS. The groundbreaking television series had Moore play a motivated single female looking "to make it after all" in Minneapolis as a news producer. It earned her another three Emmys for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. The show's opening credits sequence, where Moore frolics around the city until throwing her hat in the air, remains one of the medium's most indelible moments.

She ventured into other forms of performing arts such as theater and film but only did a limited amount of projects; they couldn't hold a candle to her landmark television work. Her only chance to shine outside TV was when she played against type as Beth Jarrett, the cold and internally distraught mother of Timothy Hutton in the film Ordinary People. She was awarded for her fierce performance with an Oscar nomination for Best Actress.

She will sorely be missed.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Initial Reaction to the 2017 Oscar Nominations

So, after the major backlash against the Oscar nominations last year and the reappearance of the trend #OscarsSoWhite, the Academy finally got around to nominate 10 non-white actors and several films with non-white leads and stories. Unfortunately, we still have some bland titles getting in and ruining all of the fun.

I have only seen a third of the nine Best Picture nominations; that would be La La Land, Manchester By The Sea, and Moonlight, all of whom made it into my Best Films of 2016. The only films I cringe at for their inclusion in this category is Fences (better as a play than a film), Lion (pure Oscar bait that evaporate into the ether), and Hacksaw Ridge (woof).

Seriously, the Academy had to forgive Mel Gibson and give him a Best Director nod for his hyper violent war picture that even your grandpa passed on? You had a great story to be had with Paul Verhoeven being included for the acclaimed Elle but I guess the dummies still can't forgive him for Showgirls. I'll gladly watch that "masterpiece" any day than sit through Braveheart again, which doesn't age well and becomes even more stupid once you hear some hilarious stand up routines about its accuracy to history.

The Best Actor category was pretty obvious except for Viggo. I can't believe he would make it that far with that strange indie.

Okay, it's time. Take a deep breathe and release...

WHERE THE HELL WAS AMY ADAMS?! I know she's most likely going to lose to Emma Stone but the fact that she was the biggest snub for Arrival is pure lunacy. And for what, another glad-handing for Meryl Streep?! Yeah, her Golden Globes speech helped her net it but her film itself isn't a quality choice, especially compared to the work done by Adams. Even my mother had a hard time liking Florence Foster Jenkins!

To make matters worst, Streep also knocked out Taraji P. Henson, despite being hailed for her work in Hidden Figures.

Michael Shannon with the surprise Best Supporting Actor nomination! And Lucas Hedges as well! Unless the voters want to continue the raves for Nocturnal Animals in this category for some reason (wink wink, look up the controversy), it has to go to Mahershala Ali.

Best Supporting Actress race should be changed to "The Battle For The Pity Oscar". It's either Viola Davis or Michelle Williams, with the odds going to the former after netting the Golden Globe. Still a bit odd that Davis is essentially playing the lead actress and was heavily advertised but whatever, the role was regulated to this same acting slot at the Tonys.

Now it's time to address the elephant in the room: La La Land and its record-tying 14 nominations. I still stand by my glowing assessment of the film but I do admit that it isn't that good for such a high honor. Further adding fire to the backlash against it is the sheer fact that everyone I have chatted and debated with largely give it a "meh" to a "good, not great" rating. Hidden Figures, on the other hand, has had nothing but very positives things to say about.

Best Original Screenplay for La La Land. Are you freaking kidding me? I guess Zootopia was too provocative and unoriginal to be considered.

Speaking of animation, the Best Animated Feature Film category once again has its special pool of voters giving a rub to the lesser seen and more visually imaginative works. My Life As A Zucchini and The Red Turtle getting in over the likes of Finding Dory, Trolls and Sing is pretty cool. I do kinda hate that Sausage Party didn't get in though but I understand.

Major congrads for Kubo and the Two Strings getting a nod for Best Animated Feature Film, as well as a surprise nod for Best Visual Effects. The crew at Laika really deserved it. That stinger at the end solidified that nomination.

Man, Elle couldn't even get into the race for Best Foreign Language Film. What the hell? And to a lesser extent, Pedro Almodóvar was snubbed for the little noticed Julieta.

Great selection in Best Documentary Feature. I would be ecstatic if O.J.: Made In America wins.

Borrowed Time has to be the winner for Best Short Animated Film. It just has to be.

Nice that Mica Levi's unconventional arrangements for Jackie got a lock in Best Original Score.

Now, let's talk about Best Original Song. I knew that the two songs from La La Land would be there and that Lin-Manuel Miranda would still have a chance to achieve an EGOT. "Can't Stop The Feeling!" is a fine choice as well. But seriously, "The Empty Chair"? A random political song from Sting for a documentary no one really remembers? Sing Street should have been in that slot!

How the hell did Hail, Caesar! not get a Best Costume Design nom?

Other snubs to remember: Sing Street, Sing Street, and Sing Street. Oh, and Ryan Reynolds, Janelle Monáe, Sunny Pawar, Silence, Swiss Army Man, Weiner for Best Doc and O.J.: Made In America for Best Editing.

That's all I can muster right now. Tune in next month for my predictions which I will obviously fail at.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Initial Reaction to the 2017 Razzies Nominations

As usual, the Razzie people went for the easy pickings. Unfortunately for my critical self, the easy pickings are completely justifiable over some of the dreck I had to sit through.

This year's set of nominations is predominately taken up by the same six movies. Of them, I didn't see Dirty Grandpa (I never got around to it despite Mark Kermode's heated hatred for it) or Hilary's America (didn't want to pay for a ticket and the resulting election turned me away from politic "docs").

Virtually unknown comedy director Dan Mazer proved to be the odd man out in the Worst Director race, as the other Worst Picture nominees had their respective directors "honored". The man behind Dirty Grandpa was instead swapped out with Tyler Perry, whose Boo! A Madea Halloween also picked a nom for Worst Actress (har har) and Worst Screen Combo for Tyler Perry and his worn out Madea wig (again, har har).

Zach Snyder is most likely going to win but I could see it going to Alex Proyas, mainly just for his infamous rant at professional critics for daring to call his new film garbage. I personally had some cheesy fun with it but it was often boring.

No David Ayer for Worst Director? Very odd that slipped by. He did pick a nom for Worst Screenplay which is understandable considering the film's confusing story and clunky dialogue (see the intro of Katana for verified proof).

As seen in my Top 10 of the Worst Razzie Picks, I loathe whenever the Razzies go political. Dinesh D'Souza could be the only exception to this rule as his "documentaries" are often lambasted but I can't really say since I have never seen one of them. Still, I'm not particularly happy with his or Rebekah Turner's nominations in the leading acting categories.

"Martha?" aside, Ben Affleck was fine as Batman. No need to be a jerk and drag him into the Worst Actor fight this time around.

Many people have informed me that Julia Roberts is barely in Mother's Day so why did she get a lead nom?

I feel bad for Naomi Watts and Shailene Woodley earning noms mainly for The Divergent Series: Alliegant. Were they really that bad or did the Razzie community just need to fill up the ballot?

They had to get their hate in for Johnny Depp and Nicolas Cage somewhere, this time in the Worst Supporting Actor race. Too bad they will be defeated by Jesse Eisenberg or Jared Leto. Hell, they might give it to both of them!

Speaking of Depp, how in the hell did he not get his nod also for his awful supporting turn in Yoga Hosers?

I have issues with the Worst Supporting Actress category. Again, it just seems that they needed to fatten up the ballot so they just picked whatever. Jane Seymour is just a cameo in Fifty Shades of Black, barely in two brief scenes and really undeserving to be nominated. I guess they wanted to get her simply for the stupid racist family dinner gag. I've heard Aubrey Plaza is one of the few committed to the role and funny parts of Dirty Grandpa so she could have been cut. And seriously, Sela Ward? She's fine in her small role. How come she's the sole acting nomination from Independence Day: Resurgence? Where the hell is Liam Hemsworth and Not Will Smith?

I would have hated seeing her thrown in the mud but if Holly Hunter was nominated for Worst Supporting Actress, I could accept it.

Collateral Beauty sneaks in with just one nomination for Worst Screen Combo. I do love the Razzies' description for it: "The entire cast of once respected actors".

No Razzie Redeemer Award! I guess they quietly retired it along with the rest of their lame one-time jokey subcategories.

As for the snubs: I wish Meet The Blacks was somewhere because it really is as bad as you can get when it comes to filmmaking; Rob Zombie not being up for Worst Director is peculiar; Cell was too obscure for the Razzies but they could at least give John Cusack or Stephen King's script a dishonorable nod; and Kindergarten Cop 2 not being up for Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off or Sequel? For shame!

Not much bile directed towards the Razzies this year for me. You can't really complain about it too much when again, it's really just a race between six bad films.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Trailer Review - Neko Atsume

Neko Atsume (2017)
Official Trailer
Watch It Here

Person of Interest: Atsushi Itô as a lowly writer and a bunch of cute cats that invade his backyard.

Scene Pop: N/A.

Effective?: It's only a bite size look at the film and only suitable for television ad placement but you can easily understand what's happening, even with the lack of English translation.

Check it Out?: As a video game fanatic, I pretty much have to. Getting it over to our shores and having an official theatrical release might be an ordeal unless someone like Funimation gives it a chance. Considering the mobile app is popular worldwide, those chances are higher than past Japanese video game adaptations. Plus, considering what's currently going on with a certain dog-centered movie, I think the American public would gladly like to view a movie about cats.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Miguel Ferrer - RIP

In shocking news today, actor Miguel Ferrer has died from throat cancer. He was 61 years old.

The son of José Ferrer and Rosemary Clooney, he followed in the family profession of acting, first starting off doing a hand full of small roles until his breakthrough performance as the ambitious corporate executive Bob Morton in Robocop. Though his somewhat sleazy character was generally more benevolent than his fellow colleagues, the role kicked off a series of bad guys that Ferrer could wisely handle, starting first with his scaredy-cat technician in Deepstar Six.

Ferrer spent most of the time working in television, where he was a prominent figure in several known shows. Many will clearly point to his recurring role as FBI Agent Albert Rosenfield in the cult classic Twin Peaks. Others will point to his long runs on the popular crime procedurals Crossing Jordan and NCIS: Los Angeles. And the rest will go with his role as Lloyd Henreid in the Stephen King adaptation of The Stand. I personally gravitate to his hilarious performance as the beleaguered and always furious network president Bud Budwaller on the underrated gem On The Air, another television show created and produced by David Lynch and Mark Frost.

His fantastic timbre gave him a second career in voice work, often taking roles in animated features and shows or reading for audio books. Some of his most notable roles in this field include the big bad Shan Yu in Mulan, Aquaman in Superman: The Animated Series, the Martian Manhunter in Justice League: The New Frontier, and Vandal Savage in Young Justice. Concluding his long association with DC Comics, his last performance will be Slade Wilson aka Deathstroke in the upcoming animated film adaptation Teen Titans: The Judas Contract. He was also set to reprise the role of Agent Rosenfield in the revival season of Twin Peaks.

This one really pains me as I always had a soft spot for him and would often brighten up whenever he appeared in a film, popped up on screen, or delivered a smooth or sinister line reading. I've often defended Shan Yu as a capable and memorable Disney villain mainly because of Ferrer; his reading of "How many men does it take to deliver a message?" always stick with me. And there's never a day that goes by without me remembering my absolute favorite Ferrer moment: where he kills a bunch of guys in Hot Shots: Part Deux and says with a big smile, "War: It's Fantastic!"

He will sorely be missed.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

One Piece Film: Gold - Review

Luffy and the Straw Hat Pirates sail into the giant vessel/sovereign nation Gran Tesoro to have a temporary reprieve from the villainous Navy and win big at the extravagant casinos that liter the ship. Their fortunes eventually turn sour and the rambunctious pirate crew must content with the ship's superpowered supreme ruler, the gold manipulating Gild Tesoro. ONE PIECE FILM: GOLD is an entertaining distraction for those who just want a straight up shonen anime on the big screen. If you're a true hardcore anime fan, especially one who experienced the days of renting whatever VHS was available at your local video store, you shouldn't have any problem walking into this with no knowledge of the incredibly popular series. The movie's story is an average breezy tale that clearly will not have any repercussions upon the franchise, as per tradition with regular anime films. However, writer Tsutomu Kuroiwa does have a nasty habit of dropping several major subplots throughout the picture as well as forgetting to give a few main characters something to do during the climatic final battle. The navigator and all-around team leader Nami gets the worst of it, as she spends her time standing around mouth agap all the while a hulking golden colossus is destroying downtown and her friends are stuck in deadly duels. Maybe if she used the elemental magic we see her wield in the prologue, her compatriots could have been had an easier time handling their threats and refrained from bleeding everywhere. This is my first time with Funimation handing the dubbing, many years after sulking through the initial and infamous localization performed by 4Kids Entertainment. I was generally pleased with the cast, with Christopher R. Sabat and Luci Christian being the perfect voice actors for Zoro and Nami respectively, save for Colleen Clinkenbeard as Luffy. I understand she's trying to match the tone and enthusiasm brought to the character by Japanese voice actress Mayumi Tanaka but Clinkenbeard is pretty grating at times. GOLD isn't anything to really write home about nor hold up as an example of a stellar non-Studio Ghibli animated film from Japan. Nevertheless, it's a fun brief adventure and will scratch that anime itch.


Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Film List of 2016

These are all of the movies I have watched throughout last year and were qualified to be judged for my awards.

If I didn't watch a film at all or in its entirety, it is disqualified and ineligible. There were a ton of movies that I couldn't get access to and/or make the time for, which is very sad given how amazing last year's output was. A few examples of films I wanted to see but couldn't before the mandated deadline were Arrival, The Neon Demon, The Lobster, Hail Caesar!, Elle, Hell Or High Water, The Love Witch, Swiss Army Man, The Fits, The Invitation, Everybody Wants Some!!, The Handmaiden and in a shocking twist for myself, the dumb little animated film I wasted many words on, Underdogs.

10 Cloverfield Lane
The Angry Birds Movie
Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice
Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders
Batman: The Killing Joke
The Boss
Captain America: Civil War
The Conjuring 2
Doctor Strange
Don't Breathe
Fifty Shades of Black
The Girl On The Train
Gods of Egypt
Green Room
Hardcore Henry
Independence Day: Resurgence
Internet Famous
The Jungle Book
Kindergarten Cop 2
Kubo and the Two Strings
Kung Fu Panda 3
La La Land
Lazer Team
Lights Out
The Magnificent Seven
Manchester By The Sea
Max Steel
Meet The Blacks
The Mermaid
Midnight Special
Miss Hokusai
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2
The Nice Guys
Norm of the North
O.J.: Made In America
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Ratchet & Clank
Rogue One
Sausage Party
The Shallows
Shin Godzilla
Sing Street
Suicide Squad
The Witch
Yoga Hosers
The Young Messiah
Zoolander 2

Overall Count: 59 Films

Film Quotes of 2016

These are some of the choice quotes from the films of 2016, from the ones that had everyone repeating, to the ones that thrilled us at the art of dialogue, to some personal favorites.

WARNING: Some spoilers abound!

10 Cloverfield Lane

Crazy is building your ark after the flood has already come.

Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice

Take a bucket of piss and call it Granny's Peach Tea... You won't fool a fly or me. I'm not gonna drink it.

Save Martha!

Doctor Strange

Dormammu, I've come to bargain!

We never lose our demons, we only learn to live above them.

Too many sorcerers.

Kubo and the Two Strings

If you must blink, do it now...

You are my quest.

La La Land

Requesting "I Ran" from a serious musician! Too far!

How are you gonna be a revolutionary if you're such a traditionalist? You hold onto the past, but jazz is about the future.

The Magnificent Seven

I've always been lucky with one-eyed jacks.

Manchester By The Sea

I can't beat it. I can't beat it. I'm sorry.

Midnight Special

I'll always worry about you Alton. That's the deal.


At some point, you gotta decide for yourself who you're going to be. Can't let nobody make that decision for you.

You know my rule. It's all love and all pride in this house! Do you feel me?

You're the only man who ever touched me.

The Nice Guys

Jack, I'm fucking your dad.

Don't say n'stuff.

Marriage is buying a house for someone you hate.

You guys want to see my dick?

So you're telling me you made a porno where the plot is the point?

O.J.: Made In America

I'm not black, I'm OJ.

If O.J. Simpson were black, that shit wouldn’t have happened.

We’d love to have him on after the show’s over—after the trial’s over.

If we had had a Latin jury, we would have had a picture of him in a sombrero! There would have been a mariachi band out front!

266 nights.

Sausage Party

Just the tips!

We's 'bout to fills what we's need to fill!

Wasn't there a part today about exterminating juice? I didn't write that shit, I love juice. Always have, I mean, juice are hilarious.

Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Fuck me, right?

Beans, I swear to fucking god if you don't shut the fuck up!

Once you go taco, you'll never go back-o!


When you've reached rock bottom, there's only one way to go, and that's up!

Sing Street

No woman can truly love a man who listens to Phil Collins.

Your problem is that you're not happy being sad. But that's what love is, Cosmo. Happy sad.

You can never do anything by half.

You only have the power to stop things, but not to create.

I was a fucking jet engine!


Hey, I know it's not all cupcakes and rainbows, but I'd rather go through life thinking that it mostly is instead of being like you.

The Witch

Wouldst thou like the taste of butter? A pretty dress? Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?


Ooh, ah, you probably didn't know, but a bunny can call another bunny 'cute', but when other animals do it, that's a little...

It's called a hustle, sweetheart.

You're not that kind of predator.

I came here to make the world a better place, but I think I broke it.

Joke Film Awards of 2016

Best Film Experience of the Year: Moonlight (A couple constantly jaw-jacking with popcorn in their mouths before the film started and later proceeded to loudly leave once the main character began acting on his sexual feelings.)

2nd Best Film Experience of the Year: Moana (Brought my nieces to it and got to experience the wonders of bathroom breaks.)

3rd Best Film Experience of the Year: Sausage Party (Went to see it again with my father this time around, who proceeded to say that it was, "stupid yet brilliant".)

Best Film Title of the Year: I Am Not Your Negro

Worst Film Title of the Year: The Disappointments Room

Most Accurate Film Title: Trolls (Runner-Up: Gods Of Egypt)

The Kathryn Morris Award for "What's The Deal With This Person?": Helmut Zemo in Captain America: Civil War

Best Cat: Keanu in Keanu

Best Bird: Steven the Seagull in The Shallows

Best Duel with an Animal: Jane Levy vs. Dog in Don't Breathe

Worst Duel with an Animal: Mr. Green vs. Norm in Norm of the North

Best Kill: Counting the bullets in Deadpool

Worst Kill: The incoherent massacre in 31

Most Suspenseful Sequence Involving Opening a Door: The negotiating in Green Room

Best Use of a Jump Scare: Black Phillip in The Witch

Best Reason to Fast-Forward to the End: The destruction of Piggy Island in The Angry Birds Movie

Most Incestuous Film: The Witch

Actor with the Biggest Open Schedule of the Year: Idris Elba

The "Newly Christened" Jai Courtney Award for The Biggest Failure to Jump to Stardom: Ben Winchell

The Lorraine Bracco Award for The Biggest Failure to Jump to Stardom: Haley Bennett

Best Cameo in a Comedy Movie: Anna Faris in Keanu

Worst Cameos in a Comedy Movie: Everybody in Zoolander 2

Worst Cameos in a Superhero Movie: Jimmy Olsen and Aquaman in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Worst Cameos in a Sci-fi Movie: C-3PO and R2-D2 in Rogue One

Worst Use of Whitewashing: Practically the entire cast in Gods of Egypt

Worst Use of ADR: Meet The Blacks

Worst Use of CGI: The green screen effects in Gods of Egypt

Best Food: The groceries in Sausage Party

Worst Food: The feast in 31

2nd Worst Food: Wonton soup in Ghostbusters

Worst Product Placement: Pringles in Ghostbusters

Most Butt-tastic Poster: Cabin Fever (Runner-Up: Tanna)

Best Character Poster Line: The Magician Promos of Now You See Me 2

Best Raunchy Tagline: "Get Your Fill" for Sausage Party

Best of the Rest of 2016

BEST BREAKTHROUGH: Alex Hibbert, Ashton Sanders, and Trevante Rhodes

Honorable Mentions: Anya Taylor-Joy, Mahershala Ali, Janelle Monáe, Madison Wolfe, Lucy Boynton, Auli'i Cravalho, Lucas Hedges, Angourie Rice, Brianna Hildebrand

BEST ENSEMBLE: The Cast of Moonlight

Honorable Mentions: Sausage Party, Manchester By The Sea, The Nice Guys, Shin Godzilla, Zootopia, Captain America: Civil War

BEST DIRECTOR: Damien Chazelle - La La Land

Honorable Mentions: Robert Eggers (The Witch), Shane Black (The Nice Guys), Barry Jenkins (Moonlight), Jeremy Saulnier (Green Room), Tim Miller (Deadpool), Hideaki Anno (Shin Godzilla), Kenneth Lonergan (Manchester By The Sea), Jeff Nichols (Midnight Special), Ezra Edelman (O.J.: Made In America), John Carney (Sing Street), Fede Alvarez (Don't Breathe), Stephen Chow (The Mermaid)

BEST SCREENPLAY: Robert Eggers - The Witch

Honorable Mentions: Jared Bush and Phil Johnston (Zootopia), Kenneth Lonergan (Manchester By The Sea), Jeff Nichols (Midnight Special)

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Linus Sandgren - La La Land

Honorable Mentions: Jarin Blaschke (The Witch), James Laxton (Moonlight, Pedro Luque (Don't Breathe), Adam Stone (Midnight Special), Sean Porter (Green Room), Flavio Labiano (The Shallows)

BEST EDITING: Bret Granato, Maya Mumma, and Ben Sozanski - O.J.: Made In America

Honorable Mentions: Hideaki Anno and Atsuki Sato (Shin Godzilla), Tom Cross (La La Land), Louise Ford (The Witch), Julia Bloch (Green Room), Jennifer Lame (Manchester By The Sea)

BEST SCORE: Mark Korven - The Witch

Honorable Mentions: Brooke Blair and Will Blair (Green Room), Danny Elfman (The Girl On The Train)

BEST SONG: "Drive It Like You Stole It" by Sing Street - Sing Street

Honorable Mentions: "Audition (The Fools Who Dream)" by Emma Stone (La La Land), "The Great Beyond" by Sausage Party Cast (Sausage Party), "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" by Regina Spektor (Kubo and the Two Strings), "Get Back Up Again" by Anna Kendrick (Trolls), "City Of Stars" by Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone (La La Land), "Nazi Punks Fuck Off" by The Ain't Rights (Green Room), "Heathens" by Twenty One Pilots (Suicide Squad), "You're Welcome" by Dwayne Johnson (Moana), "How Fall I'll Go" by Auli'i Cravalho (Moana), "Can't Stop The Feeling!" by Justin Timberlake and Cast (Trolls), "Go Now" by Adam Levine (Sing Street), "A Beautiful Sea" by Sing Street (Sing Street), "The Riddle Of The Model" by Sing Street (Sing Street), "Set It All Free" by Scarlett Johannson (Sing)

BEST PREEXISTING SONG: "Hello Stranger" by Barbara Lewis - Moonlight

Honorable Mentions: "Freedom! '90" by George Michael (Keanu), "Sinister Purpose" by Creedence Clearwater Revival (Green Room)


Honorable Mentions: Hardcore Henry, 10 Cloverfield Lane, La La Land


Honorable Mentions: Sausage Party, Deadpool, The Conjuring 2

BEST STINGER: Doctor Strange

Honorable Mentions: Deadpool

BEST POSTER ART: Deadpool (Romantic Comedy)

Honorable Mentions: Moonlight, O.J.: Made In America, Kubo and the Two Strings (Japanese Art), The Neon Demon, Café Society, The Love Witch, 10 Cloverfield Lane, The Birth of a Nation


Honorable Mentions: Suicide Squad ("Bohemian Rhapsody"), Sing ("Sing For The Moment"), 10 Cloverfield Lane

BEST ACTION FILM: Captain America: Civil War

Honorable Mentions: Rogue One


Honorable Mentions: Kubo and the Two Strings, Moana, Trolls, Kung Fu Panda 3, Batman: Return Of The Caped Crusaders, Miss Hokusai, Sing


Honorable Mentions: The Nice Guys, Deadpool, Keanu


Honorable Mentions: Weiner


Honorable Mentions: The Shallows, Don't Breathe

BEST SCI-FI FILM: Shin Godzilla

Honorable Mentions: Midnight Special, 10 Cloverfield Lane



Films that I feel will grow on me, beyond my initial expectations and opinions and become the great films that they sought to be.

10 Cloverfield Lane
Doctor Strange
Don't Breathe
Kung Fu Panda 3
The Shallows


Actors and actresses that gave great performances in bad films and/or in roles with little material and screen time.

Sean Bean (The Young Messiah)
Maria Bello (Lights Out)
Chadwick Boseman (Gods Of Egypt)
Richard Brake (31)
Kyle Chandler (Manchester By The Sea)
Rosemarie DeWitt (La La Land)
Anna Faris (Keanu)
Jeff Goldblum (Independence Day: Resurgence)
Lena Headey (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies)
Allison Janney (The Girl On The Train)
Andrea Martin (My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2)
Wendy McColm (Internet Famous)
Deobia Oparei (Independence Day: Resurgence)
Kristen Schaal (The Boss)
Jim Ward (Ratchet & Clank)