Some more 2013 films that have hit video:
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
In this dumb re-imagining of the classic fairy tale, even though it feels more like the unwanted spin-off of VAN HELSING, badass Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) head to a town for their latest job as monster mercenaries. There, they are tasked with locating the town's missing children, only to find out the kids are the key ingredients for a major witch rally. Despite its large appetite for bodily destruction and inventive weaponry, the film is a slog and often more miserable than entertaining. Practically of the world's humanity is shown to be murder first, no questions asked; it's like the makers want us to cheer for the witches to win. But its most insulting element is that it positions Gretel as this mighty warrior yet she is always beaten up, knocked out, and later rescued by a male. Famke Janssen is the only one able to bring some much needed lightness to the picture as the slightly campy villainess but even she can't completely save this from burning your wallet.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
Movie 43
A humongous cast of talented actors are dispersed into 13 comedic sketches, nearly all of which come from a deranged movie screenwriter (Dennis Quaid) trying to pitch to an emasculated film executive (Greg Kinnear) in the wrap-around. No laughs at all. Everyone behind the camera shares the blame for this travesty, with the most residing on the two hacks who wrote nearly half of the sketches (Rocky Russo and Jeremy Sosenko). Every segment is just a filthy SNL sketch that wouldn't air on NBC, let alone pass the table read, nor on MADtv if it still existed. They all have only one joke repeated nonstop, whether it's balls, mental abuse, scatology, talking dirty, fornicating electronics, bad dates, bad PSAs, periods, physical abuse, humiliation, being black, or bestiality. Women are treated horribly and sexually debased but that is to be expected for this type of unbearable frat humor. The MVP has to go to Elizabeth Banks, who stars in one gig and directs another sketch that is the only one that is slightly bad. The runner-ups are Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber, who try to extract the potential comedy in a lame piece about home-schooling. As for James Duffy, who crafted the embarrassingly under-produced set about superheroes at a speed dating center, he needs to be arrested by a truant officer because his extracurricular activities is hampering his high school studies.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
The Last Exorcism Part II
This is not supposed to be released in theaters; this is the type of sequel that usually is released and buried in the realm of DTV. Ashley Bell returns to her breakthrough role as Nell, the timid underage girl who was "demon possessed" in the first film but was actually being used by other devious forces in an ending no one should speak of again. She is now sent off to a halfway home for troubled girls and tries to create a new life for herself, only for weird things to happen all over New Orleans. Removed of the found footage gimmick of the preceding movie, which also wasn't a good idea for THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, the makers wanted to make a psychological thriller, as evident by the several rips from THE BLACK SWAN. However, nothing ever registers as true terror because of the flatter-than-flat pacing, the stale cinematography, and an abundance of jump scares. Not even TV's Mike Franks (Muse Watson) can draw some sympathy for Nell's new plight. And just when you think the last film had a terrible finale, this entry one-ups it thanks to the usage of stunt rag-dolls and baby's first CGI work. Just to blow your mind, this film cost more than double the budget of THE LAST EXORCISM.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
The Call
911 operator Halle Berry unfortunately causes one of her callers to be noticed and killed by a deranged serial killer roaming over L.A. She steps down for awhile in order to train the newest batch of candidates but finds herself back in the chair when another teenager (Abigail Breslin) is in danger. The film has a nice simple yet urgent suspense; thanks to the direction of journeyman Brad Anderson, it effectively shows the pains of trying to give aid to someone only through sound. It also displays some of the problems that come with the job, such as the unwarranted risk of good samaritans and the fact that once the call is cut off, their deed is done and no result is later given to the operator. Both Berry and Breslin do some mighty fine work as their characters, making you feel for these two unfortunate souls. The film even benefits the WWE Films name, giving professional wrestler David Otunga, a guy who has no heat or charisma in the ring, a charming gig as Morris Chesnutt's cop partner. However, the film's giant derailment comes at its third act, when the cops have to act stupid in order for Berry herself to solve the mystery. This then cumulates with an ending that feels hallow and completely out of place with everything set up. The finale might be the viewer's last straw but for myself, I give it a slap on the wrists. I just remember that the movie follows the Meat Loaf principle; two of out three acts ain't bad.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
Jack the Giant Slayer
Farmer-boy Jack meets cute with the princess before she is spirited away on a beanstalk, thanks to the magic beans he got from a monk. He and the kingdom's knights head up to rescue her, all the while the king's advisor tries to take over the throne. Originally titled JACK THE GIANT KILLER, since it shares some of the elements of the fairy tale and the 1962 film, it was changed for the kiddies and families that were destined to attend it. This despite the fact that "slay" is more graphic than "kill" and that everyone within the film keeps congratulating Jack for killing giants. Warner Bros also wanted to added the more popular "Jack and the Giant Beanstalk" fable to the movie's story but to no avail; no matter what they or director Bryan Singer do, the film is still a pathetic disaster. It has confusing tonal shifts from dumb, childish buffoonery to violent and gory horror; one minute, a giant is picking its nose and farting and the next has another giant munching a screaming, flailing man. Even if one tone was selected, it still wouldn't overcome the tedious script and the ugly CGI work. All of the actors are either bored and complacent (Ian McShane, Nicholas Hoult), campy as can be (Ewan McGregor and Stanley Tucci), or the most annoying presence ever to be tolerated (Ewen Bremner). What makes the movie ever more distressing is its audacity to try and copy the PIRATES franchise, what with the casting of Bill Nighy as the head giant, a MacGuffin that can control the villains into doing a person's bidding, and social prejudices when it comes to love and marriage. Taxing at its best, abysmal at its worst, the film is a paltry affair to sit through.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
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