Let's check up on some 2013 films that have now hit video:
Escape from Planet Earth
It's nice to see Mainframe Entertainment, now named Rainmaker, still in business and now on the big screen. Too bad their new creation is truly unmemorable, except for the brief excitement a kid has when picking it for a rental. A hotshot alien hero named Scorch, who uses his own name as a verb, heads to the Dark Planet, i.e. Earth, without the supervision of his smarter older brother. He is kidnapped by a General at Area 51, who's been snatching up alien visitors in order to capitalize on their inventions, and it's up to the brother and a crew of other intelligent life-forms to break out the prison. Though it is an easy sit, the film doesn't offer anything to really praise or ridicule. Hell, even the product placement of 7-Eleven is shortened before it becoming annoying. Except for the deliberately smarmy performance of Brendan Fraser as Scorch, the rest of the all-star cast offer nothing to their characters; the creatures could of instead been filled with regular voice actors who could have needed the film rub. Even the jokes are too babyish, though the brief parody of THE ARTIST was frankly odd.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
Safe Haven
A young woman on the run from a pursuing police officer finds solace in a small North Carolina port, where she falls for the local widow at the general store. Despite the charming presence of Julianne Hough and Josh Duhamel, this is a boring slog of a movie, more of a breezy sizzle reel for the town than an actual narrative. Everything's too happy and easily resolved or can be really stupid, as in the case of the local police department who are too caught up with fireworks to notice what's on the bulletin board. However, and this is even counting the profoundly idiotic twist at the end, the film really is too harmless to scorn. You can witness the painful dialogue the actors have to deliver, or the cloyingly awful performances by the children, but all of the lush, natural sunlight keeps you in check. Some might like to have this on for a lazy weekend viewing or cuddle up to with their loved one. I will say that the third act does somewhat functionally work as a terrorizing thriller, even though the police would have curbed this ordeal fast if they weren't focused on fleeting explosions.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
Beautiful Creatures
Another TWILIGHT-flavored failure. A good ole Southern boy falls for the new goth girl in his bumpkin town, which of course brings a huge set of problems, whether it's the town's prejudice against strangers or the supernatural forces that surround her Southern Gothic family. The girl is counting down to her sixteenth birthday, which will determine her center of morality, her abilities as a witch, or a "caster" as the film gags it down our throat, and if she will be stricken by a family curse. Despite the bite marks left in the scenery by the likes of Emma Thompson and Jeremy Irons, the movie unwisely tries to be teenage serious non-stop, particularly whenever the central couple make kissy faces. Dubbed by myself as "Caveman" Cody Rhodes and the recent valedictorian of the Leelee Sobieski Academy, Alden Ehrenreich and Alice Englert are both dreadful, constantly relying on their dull surprise facials and pathetic accents. Once the film reaches its third act, the stupid really hits the fan; side-plots that come out of nowhere, a twist that isn't fully explained, and a suspense-laden sequence where a character reads a book slowly. Not even having Emmy Rossum dressed as GILDA can make the pain subside. Though others might find the film to be decent, what truly wrecks any chances of this film succeeding is its harsh restrictions for its women: a male caster can chose whether to be good or evil at their ceremony, and can change sides whenever they feel like it thereafter, but a female caster is relegated to forever be a good witch or a bitch.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
A Haunted House
Saying goodbye to the SCARY MOVIE franchise, Marlon Wayans decided to strike out on his own with an extensive riff on the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY series, with a little of THE DEVIL INSIDE on the side. In case people forget his origins, Wayans sprinkled in old horror references that were even hackneyed 13 years ago. No surprise that the spoof is terribly unfunny, particularly whenever Nick Swardson makes an appearance as a flaming gay stereotype. Though I strongly disliked it, I will give Wayans and the rest of the crew a small amount of credit. They clearly appear to be doing this for fun, even if the fun involves cheap fart jokes, mandingo parties, and people being raped by a ghost.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
No comments:
Post a Comment