A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD, aka DIE HARD 5, has finally "achieved" the worst case scenario of its franchise: It made John McClane truly unlikable. In previous installments, you cared for the scruffy yet lovable cop who had painted the walls and floors with his own blood. McClane had to endure constant personal struggles with his family members, especially his wife, and was always able to cool down hi present situation with a nice one-liner. With this travesty, the human hero has turned into a full-blown video game creation. He survives two destructive car crashes, several free-falls through glass and construction equipment, and somehow only walks away with a cut on his pants. His seemingly eternal charisma has been depleted completely; Bruce Willis plays him now as an embarrassingly old sad sack. That is, when he's not turning into a walking soundboard, repeating only two lines: "JACK!" and "I'm on VACATION!" Our so-called hero even unwisely helps out the villains because his distracting screaming lets the bad guys easily find their MacGuffin. What an action darling.
The plot of this movie can be easily summed up: McClane heads to Russia to rescue his son John Jr. (Jai Courtney) after being arrested for killing someone, only to find out he's an undercover CIA agent and secretly trying to escort a fellow prisoner out of the country and from the grasps of a political kingpin and his goons. However, Skip Woods' script is a colossal disaster to figure out. Not surprising, considering that he's the same writer who gave us SWORDFISH, HITMAN and X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE. The 97 pages of his script will make you suffer from a massive case of fridge logic; by the time you figure out every single plot hole that pops up, you'll notice that your refrigerator door is still open and you food has soiled three days ago. I can't believe how stupid and stupider it gets, from the pointless taxi gag, to the court explosion that doesn't kill the prisoners, to the George Valentin-head goon, to the moment where a flock of armed villains walk straight into John Sr.'s rain of gunfire like its HOT SHOTS: PART DEUX, to the finale in Chernobyl of all places. Does that mean that in the hopefully never-made next installment, the McClane clan will have to face their greatest foe of radiation poisoning?
But the true brain annihilating moment comes with the final plot twist, which is so incredibly impossible to make sense. Nobody would have taken that much of a chance to survive through so much turmoil and destruction just to pull off that carpet-pulling. The last battle continues the streak of the film's disappointment factor, as its more flaccid than a male stripper on cold shower night. Screw being spoiler-free: It ends with the two McClanes fighting only three opponents. The first antagonist is this hugely muscular thug that I dubbed Zangief. He deliberately echoes the invincible opponent in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, especially since one of this film's set pieces is an aerial vehicle with rotary blades. Instead of a dragged-out, brutal fist fight, Zangief just fires off an automatic rifle in a corner. The next antagonist is only present to die in a signature DIE HARD fashion, which will cause fans to rage at the audacity of director John Moore. Finally, the end-boss slides in but he/she/it isn't killed by our heroes. The boss instead pulls off a truly dumbass maneuver, with no hope of surviving. Please excuse me while I gag in the corner.
I felt really bad for Courtney. His performance is way too realistic, as he honestly acts if Jai himself is responding to the pathetic material he has to work with and the horrendous direction he's given. What makes this movie even more shockingly bad is its greatest error: A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD is intended to be a vehicle for McClane Jr. to take over the reins of the series. Willis must have been upset by this BOURNE LEGACY-like action so he actively wanted to ruin the entire experience. Though he's the worst performer, it's really the fault of director Moore and writer Woods for this unsteady calamity. They, along with the uncaring producers, delivered out a sucky product to those hoping for more retro-action films, where the CGI stayed inside their computer software programs. No matter how much of a DIE HARD fan you are, do not see this unless you seek to see the further spreading cynicism of an once beloved actor.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
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