The President of the U.S.A. playing Angry Birds during a nuclear summit. Ray Stevenson with a faux-Cajun accent. The RZA as an exposition dumping, kung-fu master. A deadly and master ninja is defeated by fallen boxes. Channing Tatum making an inappropriate sex joke at The Rock's house. And, a final battle done through gunkata. These are the most goofy and enjoyable moments of G.I. JOE: RETALIATION, an okay film that sadly wallows in despair and confusion, which prevents it from overcoming its many shortcomings.
The Joes, led by the returning Duke (Tatum) and his new friend Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), are sent to Pakistan to collect some loose WMDs after someone has assassinated its leader. After accomplishing their mission, they are sneak attacked by a Cobra force sent by the President (Jonathan Pryce), who viewers of the first film and newcomers will know that he has been replaced by the mercenary Zartan. He also helps break out Cobra Commander (sans Joseph Gordon-Levitt, now voiced by Robert Parker) from his unique prison, who then begins his goal for global conquest through nuclear disarmament and a new, deadly space device. The only ones able to prevent Cobra from taking over the world is the surviving Roadblock, Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki), Flint (D.J. Cotrona), and Snake Eyes (Ray Park). Whether through black ops or ninja warfare, land or sea, this rag-tag group will fight for freedom.
This sequel wants to distant itself far from the polarizing first installment, going for a darker, gritty, older fanboy-friendly mystique. Unfortunately, this approach by director Jon M. Chu and his screenwriters robs the fun from the picture. Once Tatum is given his much publicized exit, the heroes become way too sullen or quiet to crack a smile at least once in awhile. The only ones often having a laugh are the Cobra cronies, especially the witty charm of Pryce, who sells many of the black comedy jokes given to his character ("I don't know why they call it 'waterboarding'; I never was bored"). Even with this steady melancholic tone, there's nothing else written to fill up the script; no characterization present for these new characters. Hell, character actor Walter Goggins, who has a small role as a prison warden, had more development and an arc than the other, more prominent actors: Roadblock lacks the badassery and machismo of Johnson's character in FAST FIVE, Palicki does her best with what's available for her, and a female ninja named Jinx (Elodie Yung) is just that, a female ninja. The worst offender, however, is Flint; sorely lacking the mighty voice of Bill Ratner, this blank slate brought nil beyond being the parkour fighter and specially designed to be rebutted by everything said by Roadblock. Cotrona doesn't help these matters with his snore-inducing acting.
If you try to let these character issues go, you still need to deal with the other plot problems, namely where the hell the rest of the G.I. Joe soldiers went off to. This is a major covert organization with bases all of the world and plenty of toys, not just a bunch of grunts in the sand. A throwaway line could have levied this error but no such luck here. Then, there's the whole ninja subplot, which is hastily put together through RZA's voice-over. Though this gives the viewer a fun, long sequence on a ninja-filled mountain, done entirely without a single word uttered, it ends with a major retcon that is very eye-rolling, even for comic book fans. Chu's direction tries to overcome the story limitations but the film just felt like I was watching a cheap production done by Cannon Films; with all of the ninjas abound, I was waiting for the entrance of the AMERICAN NINJA himself, Michael Dudikoff. 3D certainly ruins the experience to a very high degree. Post-converted, the film was never designed to support it, as all of the major fights are captured at the combatants' shoulders and nothing in the z-axis is utilized, not even on the ninja mountain.
Though I've been harsh throughout this review, I would still give the movie a very slight recommendation. It has no octane fuel but it still runs at a normal action speed. It may have an interesting change for the franchise yet it lacks the popcorn and cheers. At least there were no accelerator suits worn or present. Also, to continue my DIE HARD 5 hate, the cameoing Bruce Willis actually acted like an old hero who was still charming and cool.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
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