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2019 may have largely been a pleasing enough year for movies in general but that didn't stop it from bequeathing a treasure trove of great works and accomplishments. The eternal struggle between the rich and the poor played out in many inventive ways, from an elaborately surreal con game to a children's playground game. Movies about moviemaking came back with a vengeance and brought immense delight to audiences. Art horror once again struck a mighty nerve thanks to a trio of follow-up features from newly made auteurs. A mega anime franchise saw their latest film release become a surprising sleeper hit in theaters and make headline news among the industry. Docs about a failed musical festival, a Silicon Valley grifter, and a group of congresswomen had everyone talking. Concert films came out in full force, offering up everything from aging rockers that still got it to an pop-R&B queen reflecting on her glory to a double feature focusing on the hardest working pop group going today. And Disney helped create a sea of tears by closing the book on two of America's most beloved movie characters. Despite my movie-going experience still not being up to snuff with previous years, I was still able to find twenty films that stayed with me for days, played with my emotions so elegantly and made me want to watch them again and again.
These are the films I have deemed the best of 2019. Though I put them in list format, I was equally entertained and moved by all of these films.
Now comes the usual disclaimer that everyone forgets to remember: This list is of my own opinion, not the general public nor the Internet consensus. If I didn't see the film at all or in its entirety, it isn't counted or considered to be included.
TOP TEN BEST FILMS
1. One Cut of the Dead
Just when I thought I was done both with zombie movies and movies about movies, this magnificent feature finally escaped the hells of the festival circuit. It was well worth the year long wait. Even here I must stress again: Go into this film as blind as possible! And remember, it often takes more than one person to animate a world on to the canvas that is film.
2. Parasite
Never have I squirmed in my seat so much last year than watching this masterpiece. Its conclusion continues to haunt me. Bong Joon-ho, you've done it again!
3. Once Upon A Time... In Hollywood
In a year of acclaimed movies with long running times, nothing was more watchable and comfortable than Quentin Tarantino's ode to a bygone era of Hollywood and what could have been.
4. Marriage Story
I'm so glad for Noah Baumbach. He was finally able to capture the full attention of America with his sometimes funny and more times heartbreaking look at the disintegration of a family and the supporting players that help guide and hurt the process. Having Netflix as your release platform also helped in that goal.
5. The Farewell
This one hit way too close to home for me. A beautiful ode to the power of family and the secrets that we all keep, for better or worse.
6. Promare
Works that prioritize style over substance tend not to do well. Studio Trigger doesn't believe in that sentiment and offered up a stupendously gorgeous anime flick that generate goosebumps with ease. And my god, that luscious soundtrack by Hiroyuki Sawano and tunes supplied by Superfly. The movie also gets extra bonus points for literally ending on a fist bump.
7. Booksmart
I could have turned hard against this film after hearing "I'm Olivia Wilde, director of Booksmart..." before every single movie last year but it was infeasible. Absolutely funny and a great new entry in the "one night" sub-genre.
8. The Lighthouse
In the battle of art horror directors last year, Robert Eggers won via knockout. Black and white cinematography seemingly never looked so good, especially when capturing the talents of Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson or the disturbing nightmares that engulf the viewer. The fact that the movie was able to make me question what I just saw shows how dangerous the film can be.
9. Us
It was certainly a sophomore slump but Jordan Peele was still able to conjure up a distressing fable of American horror. Brilliantly acted all around, especially from the ever engrossing Lupita Nyong'o.
10. Ne Zha
China is certainly well known for not being an animation powerhouse and being far behind its continental competitors in the field. But thanks to writer-director Jiaozi and his dream to reimagine a mythical hero for modern audiences, they were able to deliver one mighty animated epic that made me believe in the power of IMAX 3D.
THE NEXT TEN
11. Ford v Ferrari
This is one of those perfect movies about dreamers pushing the limits of human ingenuity and the rebellious spirit that fuels America. Never have I loved and hated Ford Motors so much.
12. Toy Story 4
I was sure this would be a definite top ten placer but as with many a viewer it lost steam quite quickly. Even with its faults, Disney and Pixar were still able to create a beautifully animated tale of existentialism and moving on in life with their beloved gaggle of toys.
13. Ready Or Not
Though labeled as a horror-comedy, this film was more of a biting satire on the sheer ineptitude of the rich and how the help have to do all of the dirty work. It also had some welcoming surprises in store, such as playing with the conventions of the final girl and the morality of the villains. And holy hell, what an amazing ending.
14. Knives Out
Everybody loves a good ole murder mystery and writer-director Rian Johnson was able to bequeath a raucous one for the masses. Though it possesses a clever script, it is heavily bolstered by an excellent cast, led by its great lead performances by Ana de Armas and Daniel Craig.
15. Avengers: Endgame
It took a very long time and a ton of setup but Marvel Studios were able to conclude their superhero saga on a high note. I still never have had a screening of this anywhere where someone, including me, doesn't get a little choked up in the end.
16. Godzilla: King of the Monsters
Michael Dougherty is an underrated gem. He delivered up one hell of giant monster mash for kaiju fans to lap up and love. Godzilla and Mothra, best couple of all time!
17. A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood
It may be milking some of the remaining goodwill of my top film of 2018 but this weepy melodrama melted my heart largely thanks to Tom Hanks' astonishing performance as Fred Rogers. I also have to commend director Marielle Heller for her risk-tasking decision to frame the film as an episode of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood and layering in some really surreal imagery.
18. Code Geass: Lelouch of the Re;surrection
Going into this film, I hadn't watched a single frame of the beloved anime television series Code Geass and had no knowledge of the world and its characters. I also wasn't aware that this film was a sequel to three compilation films that also act as an alternative telling of the show. Despite these high bars of entry for this lapsed anime fan, the movie ended up being far and away better than many of Hollywood's summer blockbusters the past year. But what really stuck with me was its bombastic mecha-laden climax that quite brilliantly subverts the Groundhog Day time loop trope.
19. Pokémon Detective Pikachu
Look, I love me some Pokémon and anything that has spiritual allusions to Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Ryan Reynolds and Justice Smith brought a lot of humor and heart and director Rob Letterman was able to capture the allure and repulsion of a Pokémon filled reality.
20. Zombieland: Double Tap
I'm still genuinely shocked at how much fun I had with this belated sequel. A lot of it goes to the sheer fact that director Ruben Fleischer and the returning cast are all clearly having a blast returning to their playful zombie apocalypse but the real highlight has to go to Zoey Deutch's fantastically funny supporting turn.
Next Up: The Worst Performances of 2019
2019 is a bit hard for me to sum up. I could just talk about all of the headline news and politics that was going on but it was often just more of the same and I frankly tried to avoid it as much as possible, even when signs of hope surfaced. For you see, despite having lots of fun throughout it, 2019 was rough on the personal front. I suffered severe big losses amid my family and friends and often had to partake in a lot of other people's painful suffering. I was able to keep my head above water throughout it but it still sucked up so much of my time and enthusiasm.
On the movie front, I continued to struggle with my movie-watching lifestyle, particularly when it came to any work not released last year. I once again fell behind on my Netflix usage which lead to me missing out on a lot of their exclusives. I sadly never went to my beloved drive-in theater at all despite multiple prime opportunities. MoviePass finally burned to the ground after all of the crap it pulled. And my local treks to Regal Cinemas began to become a bit of nuisance in the fall thanks to the newly implemented strategy of showing more and more commercials past the scheduled start time. None of us could win with the reserved seating and now we have to suffer through more ads because of their "premium" benefits.
As for what was going on in the film industry, oh boy where to begin? China was cracking down on more than just Hong Kong, spending most of the year hurting their film division due to intense censorship and the outright banning of movies. Disney had a boffo year in box office returns but at the cost of producing more pointless live action remakes of beloved animated films and disappointing to subpar sequels. American animation suffered through one of its worst years recently with many a film failing its execution and/or falling to deaf ears. Lori Louglin and Felicity Huffman lost their squeaky clean images thanks to their involvement in college admissions bribery. Very damning accusations were levied against two popular voice actors that shocked their fanbases. Amazon dropped a huge amount of money to acquire many prominent features coming out of the Sundance Film Festival only to end up heavily in the red once general audiences had a chance with them. Nobody cared for tales of British Indians who were motivated by or decided to crib influential rock music. Way too many talking dog movies were produced only to bomb badly. Sequels to very old movies that no asked for strangely flooded the video market in this day and age. Studios and a bunch of boomers rallied against the influence of Netflix, with Steven Spielberg briefly and depressingly leading the cause to have their works be banned from the Oscars. An extremely divisive movie received way too much attention and drama thanks to the stupid antics of the media and government officials and also the absolutely awful things spewed forth by its director. Martin Scorsese stirred up a shitstorm with his comments on Marvel and superhero movies that a lot of people took way too seriously. And in what hit me very hard this year, a deranged man set fire to Kyoto Animation's main building, killing over thirty people.
Amid all of the bombs, busts and failures, I was able to drum up twenty "lucky" losers: An instantly legendary fiasco that will be mocked throughout the ages; a sea of bad animated films; technologically advanced films that disturbed and annoyed audiences; And so much more.
These are the films I have deemed the worst of 2019.
Now comes the usual disclaimer that everyone forgets to remember: This list is of my own opinion, not the general public nor the Internet consensus. If I didn't see the film at all or in its entirety, it isn't counted or considered to be included.
TOP TEN WORST FILMS
1. Cats
It may be such an obvious and easy pick to be labeled as the worst film of the year but my god what a disaster. The terrible decision in a post-Green Lantern world to super impose CGI fur on people. The abysmal direction. The nauseating camerawork and choppy editing. The poor excuse of an plot even for a musical famously known for its lack of a plot. Human-faced cockroaches being munched on and the squirm-inducing sight of human kids as mice. Starting off as undiluted nightmare fuel only to become a colossal bore in its second half. The terrible singing and acting on display throughout the cast, including thespians like Judi Dench and Ian McKellen. Its stubborn refusal to end right at the perfect time only to haphazardly cut to black. The bare human hands and other CGI missteps. Again, what a disaster.
2. Arctic Dogs
I don't know what is sadder: having a main character whose life goal is to be a postal carrier or making an animated movie that's designed and marketed heavily as a celebration of Jeremy Renner. I especially loved it when it drops literally everything mid-movie so it can create a finale revolving around fracking and the protagonist running around and facing off against the bad guy in his tighty whities.
3. Norm of the North: Keys to the Kingdom
A former king of the shit pile decided to resurface last year with not one but two animated atrocities. This one was the more painful to sit through thanks to its slapdash script (literally two basic sitcom plots smushed together) and its grade-school level animation. The fact that Rob Schneider didn't reprise his role, despite making a second career recently in lending his voice to garbage CG animated fare, was the real shocker.
4. Norm of the North: King Sized Adventure
It had far better animation that Keys to the Kingdom but at the expense of being heavily catered to Chinese audiences. Honestly though, Norm didn't need to be in this Indiana Jones rip-off at all. Worst yet, it is less laughably bad than the second film and more of a tough sit.
5. The Lion King
I don't have this high up on the list just because it's a remake of one of my favorite films of all time. It deserves its placing thanks to Disney and Jon Favreau's decision to suck the life out of all of the beloved songs and waste a colossal amount of money on CGI animals that are highly detailed but completely lifeless. The "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" sequence has to now be forever logged as one of the worst musical sequences of all time, from the passionless expressions on Simba and Nala, to Donald Glover and Beyoncé's lackluster singing, to the sheer fact that it entirely takes place in bright daylight.
6. Playing With Fire
An unfunny mainstream comedy from Hollywood? Who would have guessed. It would have been better suited as a 22 minute sitcom pilot, not a 96 minute torture fest that violently swings between obnoxious buffoonery and depressing gloom. The best thing to come from this movie was seeing the unbridled joy my niece was experiencing with it at the theater. At least she had fun.
7. It Chapter Two
Nearly three hours of painful boredom and padded out horror. Slightly worth it for the fantastic dramatic turn from Bill Hader but only slightly.
8. Gemini Man
At its core, this movie is very trite and could be relatively painless to watch. However, Ang Lee's irritating agenda to shove 3D filmmaking and high frame rate down your throat, coupled with the utter failure of Will Smith's CGIed younger self, made me utterly loathe this film.
9. Wheely
There's been many clones of Cars with far worse animation quality than this Malaysian import. But those pathetic efforts don't spend most of their time being utterly depressing or featuring a villainous plot involving car trafficking and mutilation.
10. Joker
A great man once said that it is okay to like a movie. That being said, outside of Joaquin Phoenix's performance, the score and cinematography, I was not having this film. Young adults routinely get lambasted in film school for copying and/or plagiarizing from famous directors but it's a-okay for Todd Phillips to wholeheartedly crib from Scorsese?! The muddled main message, the bad dialogue, the twists that are either way too predictable or outlandishly dumb, and its wipe-everything-away conclusion all made it more of a miserable affair than it actually wanted to be.
THE NEXT TEN
11. 3 From Hell
Why in the blue hell would you want to make a sequel to a movie that had an amazing ending? Rob Zombie continued the exploits of the Firefly family by essentially remaking The Devil's Rejects again but to pitiful results. He even pulled an Ed Wood: Captain Spaulding was heavily advertised by due to Sid Haig's then real life health problems his character is killed off and replaced with a butt monkey played by Richard Brake.
12. Doom: Annihilation
Universal Pictures Home Entertainment unleashed a mighty plague on the video market with a slew of unnecessary sequels throughout 2019. The most high profile of them, especially with video game fans, was this dreadful Aliens ripoff that made you long for the 2005 Dwayne Johnson-starring misfire. Lowlights included the decision to name the lead heroine Joan Dark, feature more zombies than actual demons, the head slapping fan service, and making the BFG weapon a big deal again only for it to do little to no damage to an average undead.
13. Playmobil: The Movie
Anya Taylor-Joy deserved a lot better than wasting her talents in this laughably bad attempt to ride on the coattails of the Lego movies. Great timing there STX Films in waiting until the iron was ice cold.
14. Tokyo Ghoul S
I'm a sucker for anime-based products but this was an embarrassing watch. They turned a very important supporting player to the franchise into a villain of the week, the main hero is dumber than a bag of hammers, the whole production screams low television budget, and the second half of the film takes place entirely on an obvious soundstage.
15. Hobbs & Shaw
The reheating of the dick waggling between Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham was bad. Making a boring action blockbuster is even worse.
16. The Man Who Killed Don Quixote
In my review of this film, I said that a rewatch might make this movie more enjoyable. Instead, the film has only soured with me more and more, largely due to Gilliam plagiarizing his own works and its repugnant attitudes toward its female characters.
17. Wonder Park
The story of what happened behind the scenes with this animated movie is far more engaging than actually watching the final product. Seriously, all that trouble just to whisper into a monkey's ear? That song about pi was mighty catchy though.
18. Saga of Tanya the Evil: The Movie
I really wanted to get into this anime property last year and thought that this movie could be a good first step. Not only is it terrible for newcomers, never explaining its isekai design or who the hell Being X is, the film languishes in its inability to generate real danger at any point, even with a opposing character literally named Mary Sue.
19. The Addams Family
Utterly pointless. The cast is perfectly suited and the animation is spot on but like other bad movies on this list, it stretches out a baby-friendly sitcom plot way too long. Even Captain Planet would say this movie is too preachy.
20. Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker
This spot has routinely been given to a Disney produced failure and oh boy do we have a doozy this time around. I don't know what was more soul-sucking: the continuous bombardment of random plotlines and MacGuffins, the sickening decision to resurrect the Emperor in a desperate attempt of fan service, the boring battles and action sequences, the concept of force healing, or Disney and J.J. Abrams' smear job at wiping away all of the advancements set forth by the previous film.
Next Up: The Best Films of 2019
Luffy and the Straw Hat Pirates head towards a remote island for a secret buccaneer-only bash where the main attraction is a hidden prized possession of Gold Roger. In order to claim it, they have to partake in an all-out battle royale, including crossing swords against some of their fellow members of the "Worst Generation". However, someone is literally lurking in the depths and awaiting to pounce upon the greedy prey. ONE PIECE: STAMPEDE is sadly a significant step down for the mega popular anime franchise's film division after the preceding entry, the predictable but highly raucous ONE PIECE FILM: GOLD. It has several of the main ingredients necessary to make a great shonen film: superb animation, excellent voice acting, and an epic music score. But the film is completely let down by a very lame script that cripples the smooth sailing of its opening moments. The movie loses all of its steam once the big bad Douglas Bullet unearths himself and, after a brief yet very thrilling scuffle, spends the rest of the running time showing off his literal and figurative plot armor and essentially saying "come at me, bro". It then just becomes a big one-sided brawl of punches, kicks, stomps and superpowers where nothing really matters until a great master plan is drawn up, that being having a bunch of the strongest characters come together to make a weak spot by all punching together. And mind you, a good chunk of this fighting happens during a strict time limit of five minutes that somehow stretches itself to 35 minutes in real time. The movie tries to hide its severe shortcomings by including a lot of fan service, bringing out every ally, villain, or side character they can muster for a cameo so you can point them out and clap in delight. But even the most gullible of otakus will laugh at this weak attempt at appeasement, especially when two noteworthy sword-wielding badasses both come in, perform two slash attacks, and then spirit themselves away from the proceedings. There's also zilch in the character development department save for Usopp but even that is just microwaved scraps from past material that fans know and love by heart. I gave this film two tries in the theater to wow me in any way; I originally set out on this ordeal chiefly to watch both the sub and dub versions but it became more important once the first viewing left me and the audience less than enthused. While my appreciation did increase for the technical aspects of the film the second time around, the true meat of it remained bitter. Similar to the poor film entries of Pokémon and DragonBall Z, you might be able to stomach ONE PIECE: STAMPEDE and have glimmers of amusement but there are far better options available to watch. And to those who might be wondering, yes, I have come around on Colleen Clinkenbeard's portrayal of Luffy but it is still hard to top Mayumi Tanaka.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
Stop me if you seen this before: an expert assassin (Will Smith) working for the shadowy parts of the US government wants to retire after one last job only to end up on the run because some suited bad guys believe he knows too much. Along the way he ropes in a pretty looking woman (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and calls up a goofy old comrade (Benedict Wong) for some help. Oh, you did see that plot before. Okay, well but here's where GEMINI MAN really snatches the rug out from under you: the top hired killer sent after the golden gunman ends up being a clone of him! You have seen that too? And you can easily predict out all of the film's future plot points and other "groundbreaking" twists it has in store? Well, the real question now is why did these Hollywood filmmakers waste so much time, money and resources on such a painfully trite action flick?
GEMINI MAN never gets off the blocks and become a truly satisfying experience, especially when viewed in the way it was intended by its so-called visionary director. Ang Lee continues to smear his good name by adding fuel to his fiery passion for 3D filmmaking and high frame rate. Both add zilch to the blah pic besides making you endlessly wish you were watching something better. Sure, there are a few fine visual wows like a minigun slaughtering up a convenience store or a man slo-mo walking through fire but those literally come at the very end of the film. The rest of 120 frames per second enhanced scenes are either taxing displays of mundanity and trivial dialogue or action sequences that are too frenetic to behold and severely lack gravitas. The hand-to-hand fights are really when it all falls apart; the supposed film technology of the future turns CQC into a glorified slap fight. Will Smith and the rest of the cast try to make do with what they got but they can't elevate the paint-by-numbers script. Additionally, the whole brouhaha with the de-aging of Smith ends up for naught. He's just not convincing playing a 23-year-old version of his main character, often acting more like a 15-year-old teen that is ready to pee his pants at a moment's notice, plus you can audibly hear his artificially sweetened and carefully edited voice from the rest of the sound design like a bad dub. GEMINI MAN is so mockable and such a brain dead idea to produce in this manner that it would have been better off as a fake movie within a movie.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
A shoestring budgeted zombie flick is being shot in a desolate building specifically picked out by the film's tyrannical director. Though the Z-grade filmmaker's harsh demand for perfection and realism does a number on the two newbie actors and four jaded crew members, true terror begins to emerge from the woods when zombies home in on the pitiful production. And as it is famously touted it the actual film's title, the violent proceedings are filmed entirely in one go. ONE CUT OF THE DEAD is a phenomenal delight and helped revive two of my formerly favorite sub-genres back from the dead. I have to be deadly serious when I say that it is absolutely essential that you go into the movie completely blind. Just stop reading this review now if you are at all immediately interested. I like many eager moviegoers have had earmuffs on for more than a year to finally see it after all of the glorious praise and hype it got as a humongous sleeper hit in Japan and it is totally worth the wait. But for those still needing a little nudge, all I will say is that the first half is clearly a well-constructed puzzle made of pathetically engineered parts. The empty scenes of stalling, gaudy auto-white balancing, and fumbling camerawork just to name a few? All intentional. What happens in the film's back half is a total surprise that will knock you off your feet before then locking you into a walloping fun ride. Your mileage may vary however as the film's high concept, ultra cheap budget nature will be a tough pill to swallow for some but trust me when I say that there's a lot of sugar later on to make the medicine go down. Additionally, anybody who has knowledge of the Japanese entertainment industry or have partaken on Japanese schlock genre pics will positively marvel at the film's satirical edges. I was left beaming after seeing ONE CUT OF THE DEAD and was a sliver away from doing something I have never done in my entire life: I wanted to catch the next screening to watch it again. A definitively stupendous horror-comedy and one of (if not the) best films of the year.
FINAL REVIEW: 5 / 5
We are only two days away from the start of the 2019 edition of the Eurovision Song Contest.
Like what I did last year, I wanted to jot down my predictions very close to the event because my opinion would be more set in stone by then. One of the best things about Eurovision is the sheer unpredictability of it all. For instance, if you told me during the national selections that Georgia had a high chance to stand above the others, I would think you were mad.
So here's what I think and believe about this year's entries, grouped together into special categories that seem fitting:
THE FRONT RUNNERS
When The Netherlands dropped "Arcade", it first shocked everyone to the core. Then it made those same people giddy that Amsterdam has a high chance of hosting next year. This is the song that is the one to beat and so far all of its opponents have fallen by the wayside. They only thing that could trip up Duncan Lawrence and his evocatively beautiful song is the staging. Practically everyone is severely disappointed by the low key choice of having him sitting at a piano for three minutes while the lighting and cameras do the work. But the song is just so damn good to fail at this point.
Eurovision fans were ecstatic when their wishes came true: Sergey Lazarev was going to represent Russia again after their first ever non-qualification last year. The man who gave us "You Are The Only One" and the visual feast of a performance?! Hot damn! Then, we got to finally his new song "Scream" and all of the hype quickly dissipated. But they could make up for it with the performance, right?! Nope. Once the rehearsals revealed that Lazarev will be trapped in the leftover "Shady Lady" set and play around with clones on accompanying LED screens, the odds dropped again. It's now looking to snag second or third.
There have been many trends in this year's Eurovision but the one that has annoyed me the most are the "Fuego" clones. Switzerland has the king of them with Luca Hänni's "She Got Me", along with ripping off "Despacito". The plagiarism train continued when we got to take a gander at what Hänni will be wearing, namely the same baggy jock outfit that Israel's Imri wore in 2017. Shockingly, this one has been all the rage with the fan groups much to the chagrin of many harsher voices. Thankfully it has lost some considerable amount of steam in Tel Aviv and will certainly not bring the crown back to the punching bag that is Switzerland.
Rap has never really worked in Eurovision. Italy looks to change the long standing grudge against hip hop with Mahmood and his catchy yet somber song "Soldi". The Big Five member is sure to win the most points with the juries and televoters, as it is the most popular country among the group, but I believe that it will respectively place just outside the top three.
THE SLAYERS
Katerine Duska has greatly pulled Greece up from the depths to give the once fan favorite country a worthy shot at the crown. However, it all boils down to whether or not Duska can pull off her unique vocals and that high note. She has struggled with both while on the road but it seems she has gotten a handle of it in Tel Aviv.
Cyprus so strongly wants to win this year that they just copied and pasted "Fuego". The same writing team, the same beats and drops, the same repetitive chants, etc. "Replay" has grown on me since my initial eye-roll at its music video premiere but I never really believed the hype as others did. The rehearsals seem to confirm my suspicions as there has been a lot criticism at Tamta's vocal ability. Some critics proclaim that she sings exactly like her studio track yet the preview videos from the EBU themselves reveal her struggles to carry a tune. We will have to see on Tuesday when she opens the entire contest as the first hopeful. To all of Cyprus and its fans: pray that she doesn't end up having the same fate as Aisel last year.
I stupidly overhyped Australia last year only to end up with the country/continent having a poor showing at the grand final and being a total flop in the televote. People were already crying foul that their newest representative Kate Miller-Heidke were going to steal Estonia's last year presentation but they something up their sleeve for Tel Aviv. It seems the classically trained pop-opera singer will be singing "Zero Gravity" while standing on a very bendy bar in order to simulate the literal translation of the song's title. We now just have to wait and see if the televote will propel the song into the upper echelon of the final results.
Fan fatigue seems to be set in stone for Sweden right now. The country did extremely well in the jury votes only to drop like a rock in the televote. John Lundvik stormed through Melodifestivalen with the rousing gospel-pop tune "Too Late for Love", nabbing 12 points from all of the jury (the only person to do so in history) and easily won the Swedish televote. Many see this as a possible usurper but Sweden's faltering popularity post-2015 and the noticeable lack of non-white Eurovision winners look to stop his chances.
I've been a big fan of France every since the utterly charming Bilal Hassani first sang "Roi" at the national semi-finals. Most have fobbed him off due to his YouTube celebrity status and his less-than-stellar vocals but I stuck by it when everyone else seemed to forget about it. My devotion seems to be paying off as the country is set to go all out in the staging department.
Azerbaijan pretty much pulled what Cyprus did last year. Chingiz and his song "Truth" had its fans but the radio friendly tune didn't win over a lot of critics. Some even thought that it might have been on the fence of qualification. But everybody shut their trap when the first rehearsal revealed all of the LED, CGI, and actual robots that would be used in the performance. That certainly is the old school Eurovision spirit of Azerbaijan: win with all their money and might.
TOP TEN HOPEFULS
I like many hardcore Eurovision fans fell in love with Iceland this year. The country decided to bring forth Hatari, an anti-capitalist industrial rock band that dresses in full BDSM gear and subtly has a tongue permanently affixed to their cheek. I even though the could be the next Lordi and somehow steal the crown away from the heavy favorites. Alas, I truly believe that many voters and juries will be turned off by the elaborate show in front of them plus be annoyed by the unique vocals and harsh music. Still has a firm chance of being in the top ten just from the presentation alone but it may suffer like AWS did last year.
Miki from Spain has been going strong since clinching the national final and has that "it" factor when it comes to performing at Eurovision. Some however have been dismayed at the chances of "La Venda" when the revamp killed the heavy brass in the song. The committee still see a light at the end though as they have poured a lot of time and money into the staging, giving the viewer a huge facade of apartments and a giant metaphorical puppet. I don't see it as a definite winner but is sure to be liven up the crowd in the second half of the grand final.
Czech Republic has a chance to replicate their all-time best placing last year with another modern pop ditty and its Instagram-inspired staging. "Friend of a Friend" has been ridiculed for some of its lyrics but many have already looked past it thanks to its earwormy nature.
FINAL FILLERS
Serbia is going to easily get into the final simply because the country has always been a huge favorite in the contest plus the added benefit of having its Balkan buddies being in the same semi-final. Nevena Božović is a great singer and I'm glad she has a strong chance to make good from her previous attempt at Eurovision in 2013 as part of the group Moje 3. I just wish I could connect with the song better though. Maybe the performance will do it.
Formerly known as F.Y.R. Macedonia, North Macedonia looks to shake the cobwebs and all of their bad juju off this year. "Proud" is a soaring yet not very original declaration for female empowerment and always had dark horse potential. The rehearsals show that they aren't going to falter like they usually do in the staging department and I frankly like Tamara Todevska's somehow controversial green dress.
Romania was pissed after their first non-qualification last year that they pretty rigged their national final so that the international juries had more say in their selection. The maneuver seems to be working as "On a Sunday" and the dark gothic staging accompanying it is winning fans.
Srbuk of Armenia has survived some disastrous showings at some of the pre-contest concerts to earn and her country a chance at reaching the Grand Final. The rehearsals have been promising and there isn't a lot of bad ass female songs this year.
The biggest praise Norway has been getting with "Spirit in the Sky" is it help bringing the Sami language back to Eurovision. Outside of that, not much else is going for it. The dance pop song is sure to bring party vibes to the audience but other entries have better potential to get the crowd moving plus the trio just don't seem to connect very well each other.
Holy moly, Georgia certainly brought it. Oto Nemsadze was given the golf clap during the lead-up to the contest and everyone pencilled this one in as having no chance in hell to qualify. Then people saw the first rehearsal and all of the dark imagery, fire, and dramatic scope the country is bringing to their blatantly jingoistic "Keep On Going".
My gut is telling me that Belarus will be a shocking qualifier. I can see more voters for its pure teen pop nature than a group of female singers and a deadly serious and droning duo.
Hungary allowed Joci Pápai to return to Eurovision but his ode to his father is being overshadowed by one that is all-around better in quality. Highly likely to be there on Saturday but certainly will not match Pápai's top ten finish in 2017.
I just don't get Malta. They wanted to ride on the still lingering hype train of last year's "Fuego" so they took their most recent X Factor winner, removed her strong ability to belt out a tune and give her the awkward pop ditty "Chameleon". They have a lot to going in their performance with some background special effects but that same strategy didn't save "Taboo" from non-qualification. I think it will pass the semi-final round but fall badly in the grand final.
At one point, Estonia was up there as a top ten hopeful. Unfortunately for them, the visual wow of green screen trickery and clever camera work that helped it win Eesti Laul still hasn't been replicated in Tel Aviv. They have a razor thin chance of qualifying but I can see it crossing the finish line just from the ambition and the production value alone.
Germany looks to falter significantly after their phoenix-like rebirth last year. "Sister" can still win people over with its message of sisterhood but the staging has taken a huge hit and everyone still refuses to get over how the duo S!sters aren't actually sisters.
Israel really doesn't want to win again. They already losing a ton of money hosting the contest and are now losing more because of the greedy handling of the tickets. "Home" is not really wowing anyone beyond Kobi Marimi's vocal range so they can at least have one sigh of relief.
Eurovision is certainly bigger than The United Kingdom at this point, as their selection "Bigger Than Us" is sure to flounder badly at the grand final, possibly earning the dreaded 26th place.
PAINFUL ELIMINATIONS
What happened Albania? I loved this song when it became the first one selected for the contest and got better when the revamp dropped. But the rehearsals have thrown off everyone's predictions as it seems to fallen completely apart due to the staging. The song is there, the message is there, and Jonida Maliqi is always there but the lack of staging looks to deep six their qualification.
I'm crossing my fingers fiercely for Austria to qualify. I adore the song but the lack of pre-contest hype and some stinging criticism about PAENDA's voice for the track was too great. People have started to turn around since the rehearsals but it looks too little, too late.
Portugal wowed many people with the eclectic Conan Osiris and his song "Telemóveis" but the divisive tune has routinely failed to resonate with critics in Tel Aviv.
People were jumping up and down when San Marino was announced to perform last in their semi-final. "Say Na Na Na" is an infectious dance track and many fans already enjoyed the artist Serhat back in the 2016 contest. Unfortunately, the actual performance isn't going to be as great and uplifting as the song's music video.
I actually dig the alternative rock sounding "Fire of Love" from Poland and for its effort of bringing the folk stylings of "white voice" to the general public. But the group Tulia had to go through a lot of drubbing on its way to the contest as many questioned their singing efforts and their usage of a backing track at concerts. Their contest performance looks to dispel all of these concerns and it is quite striking but it remains an uphill battle for the quartet to qualify.
DEAD ON ARRIVAL
Poor Montenegro. When I first checked out the national hopefuls for the country, "Heaven" was my runner-up. I eventually developed a soft spot for the cheesy song and the group D mol when the video of the national-winning performance came out, with the six young hopefuls standing and dancing on a high school approved set of a measure. Then came the music revamp which made the song more modern but at the expense of turning it into a complete mess. Further hampering their chances is the continuing struggles for the group to develop any sense of a harmony. And the less said about the rehearsals and what they have planned, the better.
Croatia sunk their chances of qualification once they saw Roko's leather jacket with angel wings combo. He has a great voice but his costume plus the awful English first half of the song utterly killed him.
Belgium made a very big deal when Eliot was announced as their singer and heavily hyped up the song. When it finally dropped, everyone seemed to have the same criticism: the verses were great but the chorus is sorely lacking. Eliot's live vocals have been very hit-or-miss since then and the flat stage design of two drummers and Eliot donning some kind blue and orange mountain-climbing jacket have many crossing a big red X for "Wake Up".
Latvia chose to have the coffee shop friendly "That Night" as their pick but it is too limp, too etherial to stick with voters.
Everbody raised an eyebrow when 90s house sensation and one-hit wonder Darude was selected to represent Finland. People then looked away when his song with Sebastian Rejman "Look Away" was selected. They had a brief glance back when word of Rejman's jean-pants during the rehearsals came out though.
Ireland had an alright song but the staging of it makes me shake my head viciously. A bad mixture of Latvia 2012 and Czech Republic 2009 with a hint of American Graffiti.
Nobody is running for Lithuania. Don't mind the song but they have no budget for the performance and no visual pop to make you forget about it.
Moldova is more popular by Eurovision fans for bringing the party with their selections. They have done ballads in the past, most notably with Aliona Moon in 2013 with the great "O Mie", but Anna Odobescu's "Stay" instantly fell on deaf ears. The only saving its chances now is the performance as they brought on famed sand artist Kseniya Simonova to create one of stories on the big screen while Odobescu sings. However, save for casual viewer, everyone is very well aware that this was previously done in 2011 by Ukraine, who hired Simonova herself to distract viewers away from a crappy song.
I remember a lot of people raving and moving their heads for Denmark and their song "Love Is Forever". Everyone now seems to have returned to their jaded views of the current world and are routinely panning the lovey-dovey ode to peace. What a waste of a perfectly fine 30 foot chair.
Slovenia has a higher chance of qualifying then the others here, hence why it's towards the bottom, but I frankly have not gotten the song nor the sheer boring staging since the national finals. They really should have went with Raiven and "Kaos".
For those you want the Cliff Notes version, here's what I have as my predictions for qualifying in the two semi-finals.
Semi Final 1:
Australia
Belarus
Cyprus
Czech Republic
Estonia
Georgia
Greece
Hungary
Iceland
Serbia
Potential stealer(s) - Slovenia
Potential non-qualifier - Estonia, Iceland, Hungary
Semi Final 2:
Armenia
Azerbaijan
Malta
The Netherlands
North Macedonia
Norway
Romania
Russia
Sweden
Switzerland
Potential stealer(s) - Albania, Austria, Denmark, Moldova
Potential non-qualifier - Malta, Norway
As a little incentive, here's my top ten favorite songs from this year's Eurovision in alphabetical order:
Albania
Austria
France
Greece
Iceland
Italy
The Netherlands
Portugal
Sweden
Spain
I also asked my non-fan father to listen to the official recap video of all 41 songs and come up with his own top five. Here's what he came up with:
1. Sweden
2. Latvia
3. Denmark
4. Russia
5. The Netherlands
The semi-finals will take place on May 14 and May 16. You will need to stick to Twitter updates or via other countries' streams in order to enjoy them. The same now goes with the Grand Final, as Logo and Viacom decided to cancel the live airing on Saturday May 18.
It was sadly announced yesterday that Mexican luchador Silver King (César Cuauhtémoc González Barrón) had passed away. He collapsed in the middle of a match against Juventud Guerrera and was later pronounced dead from a heart attack. He was 51 years old.
The second son of lucha legend Dr. Wagner, Silver King was more widely known for his tag team work. He allied himself with El Texano as Los Cowboys and also with his real-life brother Dr. Wagner Jr., who is easily considered the greatest all-around luchador today. In Japan, he took over the mantle of Black Tiger from hall-of-famer Eddie Guerrero but only had a lackluster run as the anime villain. He brought the gimmick back with him in Mexico, humorously keeping up the charade of being a Japanese wrestler, and had more success with it, eventually leading to mask vs. mask match against L.A. Park in 2006. Since then he was a consistent presence in the AAA promotion and the indies, often allying or betraying his brother.
Mainstream audiences and non-wrestling fans will best recognize him as the villainous Ramses in the Jack Black comedy vehicle Nacho Libre.
Silver King was the one of the most underrated professional wrestlers in the modern era in my opinion. He had a very hard time escaping out of the immense shadow of his far more popular brother but he always was great in the ring and carried himself as a true professional.
He will sorely be missed.
