As of this writing, the judgment has already taken place. JOHN CARTER is now ranked up with many others as one of Hollywood's biggest overall fiascos. From the skittish Disney marketing department's aversion to include "of Mars" in the title and their horrendously produced trailers, to the bad test screening scores and street reputation, to the failed last ditch effort to save its life. Nothing worked in Disney's favor, as they suffer from another ruined franchise-starter, despite having talent and the money to make it work.
Unfortunately, given the final outcome of the film, the proof is certainly proved in the pudding. This is one of the most shocking displays of identity crisis in some time. For instance, after a laborious opening segment I'll get to, the title comes up as JOHN CARTER, in a boring font anyone can get for Microsoft Word, in front of a charted map of Mars. The last shot of the film has the title JOHN CARTER OF MARS pop up, complete with the real version of Mars and the main character's new war insignia. Obviously, this is intended to show the differences between our two worlds and the main character's newly found acceptance in life. However, this difference also greatly shows off to the audience what they can expect will bring the dire and fun aspects of the film; Earth's backwards technology, ideals, and its pessimistic attitudes are far more boring compared to exploring and embarking on adventures on Mars. And again, you wonder why the marketing team wanted to celebrate the film will a yawn-inducing title.
As noted, JOHN CARTER starts with a hell of a mess at its hands in the beginning: Three separate storylines, two conflicting narrators, and a whole lot of human misery. For the most part, the film belongs to the viewpoint of Edgar Rice Burroughs, John Carter's cousin apparently and a completely pointless character within a pointless plotline, reading from Carter's journals after the latter's recent yet mysterious death. We hit the books with Edgar, as we follow Carter's supposed history from being a former Confederate soldier turned wandering shell of a man, to his discovery of a mystical cave and a special device he obtains from a bald stranger, to his transport to Mars and becoming a super-powered being. I say supposed because there are plenty of scenes and shots where Carter is nowhere in sight and unable to recount such events. Not to mention that the film doesn't start with any of Carter's words, but that of a different narrator's overview of Barsoom, the name of Mars by its inhabitants, and the war between the two factions of Helium and Zodanga. Then later, there's all of the things involving the four-armed green giants the Tharks and their inclusion into the war of Barsoom. Then, there's the mysterious Therns who can shape-change into anyone in order to be evil and tilt the scales of destiny for some reason. All of this massive, thrusted upon amount of plot is badly handled together by the three screenwriters before concluding with a truly awful anti-climax and a finale that many viewers would rather be heading to the doors for than seeing.
The film's little over two hours running time is heavily padded out with plenty of scenes that reek of wasted money and annoying high school-grade melodrama. When Carter is on Mars, he is able to jump really high and has immense strength that comes and goes whenever the writers feel like it. This is all due to the differences in gravity and the strength of the human muscles of an Earthling. Beyond the fact of implementing more costly CGI work, the creators decided to limit Carter's profound abilities, something which could turn the tide of warfare between the cities and win the hand of the Helium Princess Dejah Thoris, not by having equally strong opponents but by having Carter whine and be aloof the entire time. See, he's still very sad that his wife and daughter we never got to know or care about died, and he doesn't stick his neck for nobody anymore. Due to this audience-hating device, you have to sit through the film watching the strangely plentiful villains win basically every round in combat way too easily while Carter just mopes around.
The sad thing is that when Carter is motivated or uses his internal willfulness to survive, you are treated to great action sequences and fantastic swashbuckling. These moments only last a short time but there is so much fun to take in over the copious amounts of misfortunes. Some of it comes off as bait for dumbfounded audiences but it's so rich and campy that it becomes the Hail Mary's of the film. For instance, the character everyone is bound to love is Woola, a dog-like alien with a special hidden talent. He reeks of creative desperation and easy audience adoration but he's wonderfully designed, a lot of fun to follow along with, and has a better character arc than John Carter himself. There are even several instances where the minor characters help alleviate the pain and make it an enjoyable popcorn movie. For instance, Bryan Cranston is inexplicably in this during the tedious Earth segments as a cavalry officer, yet he has great chemistry with the main character and partakes in one of best interrogation scenes ever. The same goes for James Purefoy, who plays Helium hero Kantos Kan, who has a delightful sequence with John Carter involving hostage-taking. Too bad John Carter is the one who has to be carried by the others instead of being able to carry the film himself.
Casting Taylor Kitsch, an actor who absolutely defines the term "hit or miss", as John Carter proved to be a choice chosen poorly. He's always too gruff and Bale-Batman like in his voice and manners, too modern to be believed to be existing in the 19th century. Of course, this is more of a supporting actors film, so they are the ones who truly get to shine. Lynn Collins as Princess Dejah gets to be the better conflicted hero, a person who can be crafty and manipulative when necessary yet is proud of her people and willing to sacrifice herself in battle or in marriage for the greater good. Willem Dafoe has a lot of fun as the voice of Tars Tarkas, the king of the Tharks, going beyond the CGI created acting to make him a respectable yet tough leader. Both Ciaran Hinds and Dominic West get to ham it up a bit as the kings of Helium and Zodanga respectively.
It is really too bad this film lost so much potential in the process of being made, despite coming from a novel that helped usher in every single sci-fi and fantasy series today. Andrew Stanton is a long-time worker at Pixar and has made several animated masterpieces. He just couldn't save the project, nor keep the other cooks away from its broth. JOHN CARTER is yet another serious misstep for Disney and one not to be forgotten about in the history books, though the film is forgettable to the letter.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
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