Saturday, August 2, 2014

Planes: Fire & Rescue - Review

When his gearbox shatters apart during a routine flight and a transplant is impossible due to an outdated engine (I blame his bad airplane genes), Dusty Crophopper's racing career has been tragically cut short after only one movie and an opening montage here. He celebrates his misfortune by accidentally creating a destructive fire to his hometown's airstrip. Noting the extensive damage of the fire, the method used to suppress it, and the sheer fact that the town's fire codes and supplies are pitiful, a government official condemns and shuts down the airport until an additional, certified firefighter is hired on. Because there is nothing more exciting in a children's film than a conflict around red tape and quality inspection. Dusty steps forward to take the challenge, both to find a new profession for himself and to save the town's upcoming Corn Festival. His boot-camp and certification is to be conducted at Piston Park, a place that holds a pompous tourist resort and a vast forest that can't go one day without devastating infernos springing right up.

PLANES was a substandard side-story to the disreputable CARS franchise but at least it featured a traditional underdog story and a sprinkle of charm. PLANES: FIRE & RESCUE, on the other hand, is completely worthless. While sitting through it, I wholeheartedly believed it was just another bad movie that I couldn't flat-out hate, a work that a little tyke and his/her parent could waste an afternoon watching yet still walk away partially satisfied. But as I walked out of the cinema and drove away, I realized that my instant opinion was a total lie. Absolutely nothing was gained from viewing this, not even a renewed respect for those who brave into the blazes in order to save human and plant life. I like the actors cast for this but none of them bring any excitement to their vehicles. The plot is way too incredibly piss-poor to tolerate; if Dusty had just said, "My gearbox is in bad shape!" at the start of his training, things would have moved smoother and more people could have been free from potential danger. The hard rock band AC/DC can't even invigorate the action, as "Thunderstruck" is poorly integrated into the first display of firefighting. But, more importantly, there is no drama, no tension able to be generated from watching anthropomorphized cartoon machines amid flames. They never suffer from smoke inhalation, third-degree burns to the metal can be easily fixed with a part swap, and they always, always pull off a job well done, even though a clipboard of the dead looms far in the background. Trust me when I say that this movie is a lost cause. Let it burn away from existence.


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