So, you created a movie character that becomes a new pop culture icon and the symbol of a refurbished entertainment fad. You keep the character very ambiguous in his morals, enticing and tormenting his legions of fans, in order to keep him fresh and interesting. You then make him part of your overblown finale with a ending hint of future adventures with the character. You put up another large sum of money and special effects for this new extravagance and what comes of it? Nothing, absolute nil.
Jack Sparrow honestly can't carry another film along. He has become worn out in every way; Jack's deceptive tactics don't bring boos and his antics don't inspire hilarity. You, the viewer, are watching a cold fish become colder and starting to rot completely. Jack can't be Jack anymore. Instead, he is now the new Will Turner, and according to loud fan responses, no one likes a new Will Turner.
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES is certainly more worse than the preceding third entry of this franchise. Calling it fluff is an insult to marshmallow creme. Many old faces return to interact with some manufactured clones of previous characters to deliver a story where nothing ultimately changes. When the only concern of danger is that someone now has a peg leg, what is there to truly care about?
Three independent factions are competing with each to find the Fountain of Youth. Two of them, a British expedition led by the now one-legged Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) and the other led by Blackbeard (Ian McShane), need Capt. Jack Sparrow for the task of finding it. For real, important reasons like to wash the deck of the ship. Honestly, everyone knows how to reach and use the powers of the Fountain but no one explains why Jack is truly needed for the task. Throw in a ton of lame comedic one-liners, multiple confusing subplots that don't matter, and a non-existent romantic angle between Jack and Blackbeard's daughter, played by Penelope Cruz, that you would think is there and you are left with a $250 million dollar piece of hot air.
After all of the countless, countless previews of Jerry Bruckheimer talking in a corporate shill that Blackbeard was the "most evil character they have created", it surely doesn't show up on the screen. They give him black magic, zombie minions and an unearthly powerful sword, all with no further explanation or intrigue and then just water him down to a boring old codger. There's no fear from him thanks to the screenwriters and McShane's straight man routine to all of the goofy madness around him. No, the real antagonists of the picture are the mermaids, who are given an excellent build-up and later payoff. The battles between Blackbeard's crew and them and a following scene with Barbossa's are both violent and scary with a nice use of sensuality.
Excluding the mermaid attack, which sadly does have a lame climax, all of the action sequences are very ho-hum at best. They all scream 3D exclusivity and are truly lifeless to behold. Rob Marshall starts off with some high camp material in the British prologue before seemingly being forced to do banal Hollywood camp for the rest. A scene with Jack making out with his impostor could have added a brief glimpse of dimension but no such luck. I have to bash the script by Terry Rossio and Ted Elliott again because even for another milking from this dying cow, this is just first-draft material. For instance, what's the point of Blackbeard blindfolding Jack from seeing the docking and location of his ship if one character finds it out with a deus ex compass and another character finds it later with no guidance? Then there's the moment where the ship's cook isn't able to think of jumping out of his boat into the vast ocean of water in order to avoid two mammoth flamethrowers from incinerating him. The visual effects budget seems largely a waste except for the mermaids and a death by a water tornado.
This film really sunked hard for myself thanks to the grand finale. What could have been processed mediocrity with a flavoring of stupidity becomes a giant jaw-dropping copout. Then, just to screw with those who might still care, the patented ending stinger is insultingly awful. Considering no major game changes are delivered because of this film release, absolutely skip this.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
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