I missed out on seeing DELGO and CREATURE in theaters; the former due to scheduling problems, the latter due to general disinterest. So when THE OOGIELOVES IN THE BIG BALLOON ADVENTURE debuted and became the new worst widely released film ever, it was destiny calling me to man up and take the bullet. I paid up front, got my butterfly glow stick that lasts for six hours, and sat down in a deserted theater. After the horrible earworm-inducing theme song concluded and the screen turned black, I walked out shell-shocked and staggering.
This movie is why we live in a horrible timeline where Jim Henson's life was cut too short. THE OOGIELOVES is not a product from a human heart and mind but of corporate greed. The fact that the title was specifically picked in order to leave open the possibility for future sequels can prove this. It follows the Poochie school of entertainment design: The tone and setting is a cross between Pee-wee's Playhouse and The Teletubbies, the main creatures look like McDonald's rejects, and there are puns and catch-phrases that will have kids in stitches or stitched on their t-shirts. Bless "Manos" and his hands of fate because all of that work has been mishandled by a cast and crew of idiots. Nothing in this monstrosity works.
The first notable problem with the film is that it's an interactive experience. Film honestly can not work in this manner. This is not the theater, the circus, a sporting event or professional wrestling, where the performers can note, adjust and/or feed off the energy of their audience. Instead, the performers have to believe that they are that damn good and worthy of your hard-earned money. I had no other viewers but even if I had a child with me who was willing to participate, he/she would have been gassed after the first ten minutes and curse every time they see those dumb subtitle-carrying butterflies flying by to tell them to get on their feet.
Let's look over this disaster-piece of a story. Joining next to a frozen chicken burrito as the worst mission goal in a 2012 film, we have to cheer the titled characters on so they can celebrate the birthday of a pillow. A pillow that talks like Adam Sandler, can't move by itself and has the i.q. of a graham cracker. Their gift to this pink abomination is five of the cheapest golden balloons I've ever seen. Their dumb vaccum cleaner housemate/butler/parent(?) lets them fly away so Goobie, Zoozie, and Toofie must find them in time for the surprise party.
I can not tell you which one of the Oogieloves is which. There is an animal-talking girl, a nerdy scientist, and a boy that hates belts around his pants. Each of them is voiced by an appalling and ear-splitting woman that all sound-alike. Even worse, their mouth flaps hardly move at all yet these things never shut up, chattering up a storm about how things are "scientastic" or "sparkliciousness". Director Matthew Diamond didn't care about this issue, nor the fact that the puppeteers can't see straight, constantly mess up their timing, and are often filmed in positions that reveal the cut-offs of their fabric and helmets. They are also accompanied by their no-water-needed pet fish, who ends up being the audience surrogate, complaining about everything and loudly declaring, "When is this going to END?!"
They meet up with several guest stars. How could these talented people do this? First is Oscar winner Cloris Leachman as a bibbidi-bobbidi-boobing old coot who loves circles. Then comes a crime of the century, as Oscar-nominated and mob movie heavyweight Chazz Palminteri appears as Marvin Milkshake, a diner owner who can't sing for pennies and is married to a half-built puppet cow named Moolah. Multi-Grammy winner Toni Braxton is next as a prima donna singer who loves roses and delivers the absolute nadir of songs in the movie. Towards the end, the unholy three needs to get to a windmill and can only get there by hopping in a sombrero warship, piloted by the dancing of non-Spanish Jamie Pressly and Christopher Lloyd.
There is one person who I've neglected to mention. Cary Elwes is in this picture. The mighty Westley himself. The Brit plays Bobby Wobbly, a texan truck-driver who can not stand still (Cause he's WOBBLES! GET IT?!) and is carrying a stockpile of bubbles. This guy is so terrifying that Buffalo Bill from THE SILENCE OF LAMBS would tell him to tone it down. Elwes plays him so over-the-top that he starts off awful then becomes gloriously hilarious then ends back where he started. It is such a skillfully atrocious performance for the ages, screeching and hollering like a madman ("DO YOU LIKE BUBBLES?!").
Not a frame goes by where there is glaring error. Often next to the characters in scenes are the absolute worst puppets every devised and utilized. These side animals are dog-chewed-up creations with less detail and nuance compared to Punch and Judy. ADR is all up in here, as every single performers had to re-dub their lines, often flubbing the synch. The special effects are PS1-era worthy, featuring a ghastly sight where a giant mechanized cow sign is floating in mid-air on top of a diner. Then there's the dreadful music, where the lyrics and melody never match up or flows together. Each song gets progressively atrocious, with Braxton's song being king of the mountain of crap, as she literally slow-jams a R&B tune dedicated to sneezing and coughing. How can a kid dance to that?
As for the edu-tainment factor, there is nil here than can benefit the development of a child, only regressive and damaging. These are the lessons your child will learn: Kids should climb really high trees and jump off the top with a balloon in their hands; they will land safely and be labelled a hero. Drinking your milkshakes ultra-fast is the way to go. Putting a scarf over heavy bags of luggage makes for a great trampoline. Walking into the back of a semi-truck with a smiling cowboy is a good thing to do. And finally, if a balloon blows away, summon the Ma-Ti in you and just blow kisses to get it back because love is the most powerful classical element.
Do not try and pull the "it's a kids movie" card for this nightmarish terror. A bad movie is a bad movie. Kids are smarter than you think and can judge on their own. If you bring a child to this or have them watch it later on video, they should be legally allowed to slap you hard in the face while you are sleeping. Stick to Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba!, and other shows that air free on children networks. This franchise is already dead and you shouldn't let it be buried with your money.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
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