If you want to follow the plot and mythos of VAMPIRE ACADEMY, be sure to wear extra tight noise-canceling headphones because you will need to pay full attention. The exposition comes out loud and fast, from the opening scenes to Act Three, as two teenage girls must explain every nook and cranny about this world, all the while trying to survive a year at an institution that only operates after dusk. One is a traditional nightwalker but of royal vampire blood (Lucy Fry) while the other one is her guardian (Zoey Deutch), who is labelled to be a Dhampir but never shows any powers or traits of her own, except for the sheer fact that she looks and acts like a perfect clone of Ellen Page. There's more material for this movie to crib from than just JUNO: screenwriter Daniel Waters and director Mark Waters regurgitate their work on HEATHERS and MEAN GIRLS respectively, HARRY POTTER-"inspired" magic and the structure of a fantasy-run school system are xeroxed, and there's a little sprinkling of PRETTY IN PINK. The film even dares to call out TWILIGHT for ruining the YA landscape, even though it unleashes two bland, inappropriately aged love interests to woo the two girls. This becomes more ironic because the sexual chemistry between the girlfriends is far more effective. Despite all of its torturous anti-compression and copy-pasting of better movies, I guiltily enjoyed this to a certain degree. The snarky ribbing between the friends and the near-constant trading of barbs with their foes made it pseudo-witty. Many have labelled this as one of the worst and cheapest teen book adaptations; I would gladly watch this again and again before revisiting total disasters like THE HOST.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
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