Sunday, May 7, 2023

2023 Eurovision Song Contest Predictions


Another year, another round of predictions for the Eurovision Song Contest.

I changed things up yet again and made everything more simplified. Now you can easily see my thoughts, feelings, and predictions on who will qualify in the semi-finals, who will not, and who will likely win the contest.

To kick off these new changes, instead of usually placing them at the bottom of the article, here are my top ten favorite songs from this year's contest pre-rehearsals, in alphabetical order:

Austria
Belgium
Croatia
Czechia
Denmark
Finland
France
Georgia
Lithuania
Sweden



SEMI-FINAL 1 COUNTRIES THAT WILL QUALIFY TO THE GRAND FINAL

Croatia - Oh boy. My opinion of this has changed so many times. When I first watched Let 3's national final performance, I both rolled my eyes and was very intrigued. The song made my personal top ten thanks to its catchiness and originality but it is still a hard sell for the rest of Europe, especially the casual viewers. The Eurovision fandom think this will easily coast through with the televote but I still have reservations that it will be the next "Eat Your Salad" or worst, the next "Euro Neuro". Not helping matters is the recent decision for the band to end the performance in their undies. I still give it a pass to the grand final but I will not be shocked if it bombs and fails come Tuesday.

Czechia - Still questioning why they switched from their striking and colorful costumes in the music video to a bunch of pink attire (it has to a budget thing) but I think the strength of the tune and what Vesna have performance-wise will allow the fka Czech Republic to snatch up a golden ticket.

Finland - POTENTIAL WINNER. I love "Cha Cha Cha" and I love the national final performance. The song has become my most listened to track of the whole bunch this year. Though it has a high chance to win the contest, I expect it to instead realistically make the top five come Saturday. 

Israel - Man, color me shocked. I thought this would fail to qualify just based on the studio track but those rehearsal footage show that Noa Kirel is not here to muck about. Israel wants to show up "Slow-Mo" real bad and they got both guns locked and loaded.

Malta - This very millennial tune will get toes a tapping but there is the question of whether it will have staying power by the end of the semi-final. I think it will but then turn around and be at the bottom come the grand final.

Moldova - I like Pasha and the song but this may not qualify. Then again, we need some more ethnic bangers in this year's contest and there will be a flute-playing little person on stage.

Norway - Another POTENTIAL WINNER but only if people want a new queen to reign, or rather a new "Queen of Kings". I really wanted Ulrikke to finally have her shot to perform on the Eurovision stage but Alessandra was a quality pick, is a bundle of joy and can really belt it out, especially with the whistle note.

Portugal - Eurovision needs a happy, non-English bop to get the party started and have everybody clapping along. Portugal is right there to easily win over those hearts and minds.

Serbia - I frankly barely tolerate this song, which sucks because I usually love Serbia. Could be a potential 11th place of the night but the handsome looks of the singer and the uniqueness of the song could bring it pass the finish line.

Sweden - Not just a POTENTIAL WINNER but MOST LIKELY TO WIN. I mean come on, it's Loreen. The raw power and bombastic scope of "Tattoo". The epic stage design and the choreography with the "panini-press". Everything is coming up spades for Sweden. They just had to run a piss-poor rendition of Melodifestivalen to get here.


SEMI-FINAL 1 COUNTRIES THAT WILL BE ELIMINATED

Azerbaijan - This one was DOA upon the song's release. Even though the song is not bad if you want something cribbing the 90's sound, and the twins are quite photogenic, the whole thing feels like a total wash and is sure to do poorly with the televote.

Ireland - Come on, Ireland! Get it together, will ya?! This generic as hell entry keeps massively losing steam with each bad decision by the band and the country's delegation. From the ill-thought music video to the lead singer's dreadful gold jumpsuit, they are expected to fail.

Latvia - I like the band and the song, even though I was rooting for Markus Riva during the national final. Unfortunately, I feel like it will not make the top ten at all, largely due to its alternativeness. It could slip in however if the public ultimately rejects either Croatia or Serbia.

The Netherlands - If you listen to the studio track, this is a quality choice and should be an easy pick to qualify. But when you see and hear the two artists singing live, whether at the pre-parties or in the rehearsal footage, you will notice that there's no chemistry between the two and they can't really carry a tune. All that effort, including involving Duncan Laurence, and they blew it.

Switzerland - Another potential stealer but I feel like the public has had enough of sad boy ballads. Not to mention that Switzerland did infamously bad with the televote last year, only getting into the grand final via a high score from the judges.


SEMI-FINAL 2 COUNTRIES THAT WILL QUALIFY TO THE GRAND FINAL

Armenia - I'm giving this country the benefit of the doubt. "Future Lover" is an interesting tune and Armenia is pouring resources into the performance to snatch away people's attention. However, there is a part of me that thinks this is "Walking Out" all over again, sans several infamous pre-party performances.

Australia - Going last in the semi-final will certainly help Australia but I do believe it will be middle of the pack on Saturday.

Austria - This had so much steam coming into the contest and now there's a high chance of it ultimately failing on stage. Instead of getting some backup singers to help out with the highly catchy "Poe"'s and the operatic moments of "Who The Hell Is Edgar?", Teya and Salena seem to want to do everything on their own. They still have a likely chance to make it but everything could fall apart come Thursday.

Belgium - Please, please, please let this not be another Ben Michael David. I'm always a sucker for a queer anthem if it's got the juice and Gustaph seems to have plenty at his disposal. I also just love his attitude and treatment of his backup singers.

Cyprus - Talk about a glow up. Many a Eurovision fan were rolling their eyes and snarking at Cyprus this year, especially with their decision to get an Australian singer. And what did they do? They brought it in the staging department, at least from what we can see in the rehearsal footage. Fire, lights, and a lot of easy epicness, they really want Andrew Lambrou and "Break A Broken Heart" to stick with people.

Denmark - This one is hanging by a thread right now. I really like the tune but many listeners and observers have made their issues about the artist's vocal effects and actual singing voice well known across the web. The rehearsal footage isn't helping matters but I think the bop will get some love with the televote. 

Estonia - I'll be honest, I don't really know exactly why I think this will make the top ten of semi-final 2. Maybe it's because Alika has a great voice and can certainly belt out "Bridges". Or maybe this is just a pleasant enough entry to get some votes, only to get stuck in the middle or place near the bottom of the scoreboard in the grand final.

Georgia - Georgia is going big again but this time with a woman, where they have done better with. "Echo" is one of the songs this year that has sneaked up on a lot of people but I frankly was in awe of it upon first listen. Come on, European voters, please help break Georgia's non-qualifying streak!

Lithuania - I adore this lovely song. Monika Linkyte already has a lot of love with Eurovision fans for her memorable participation in the 2015 contest and this solo attempt is sure to add to it. Not so keen on the orange dress she's expected to wear but she is sure to deliver on Tuesday and, yes, on Saturday.

Poland - So much drama and controversy over a simple pop ditty. The song is very radio friendly, Blanka is beautiful and generates a lot of views, and everything looks great from the rehearsals. An easy pass. Now please, everybody, come down and relax.


SEMI-FINAL 2 COUNTRIES THAT WILL BE ELIMINATED

Albania - This has a chance to qualify thanks to the sheer power and love of family. On the other hand, it doesn't really hold your attention very long.

Greece - Let me add my opinion to the pile: Holy shit, he's only 16 years old and he has that voice?! This could work for the public but only if they get rid of his horrendous outfit. He looks like a teenage boy scout and it harshly takes away all of the energy of the song.

Iceland - Diljá is great in interviews and as a human being but "Power" needs more energy put into it. Alas, it's just an adequate but standard pop number and the performance aspect leads a lot to be desired.

Romania - Obnoxious. Didn't like it when it won the national final, has become worse now on the Eurovision stage thanks to a hideous outfit and god awful CG backgrounds.

San Marino - You lost everybody at "smell you like an animal." No chance at making it through and will likely end up towards the bottom of the entire contest.

Slovenia - As with Latvia, I like the band and the song but I think the public will have their fill on rock this year. But as Maneskin said, rock n' roll never dies and this may sneak its way into the grand final.


COUNTRIES THAT AUTO QUALIFY TO THE GRAND FINAL

France - Some think this has a chance to win but I say top ten at best. La Zarra has "it" and the song is French pop perfection but there are competitors that are more hungry for the crown.

Germany - The juries most likely will be less than kind to Lord of the Lost but I think they will get an okay amount from the televote to prevent Germany from placing dead last again.

Italy - Marco Mengoni will always have a space in my heart for "L'essenziale" but I'm not a huge fan of "Due Vite". Plus, that horrendous silver shirt he plans to wear on stage will deduct so many votes from the public.

Spain - Way too overhyped by the fandom, especially the large Spanish base. I like the audacity and artistic side of the tune but unless the performance is transformative and memorable, it will be forgotten by nearly everybody.

The United Kingdom - Hey look, the UK gave us a qualify followup after their stunning success last year. If everything goes right, the "host country" is sure to get another top ten placement and potentially have another crossover hit.

Ukraine - This was my grower of the pack. Didn't click with me a lot when it won Vidbir but it swaggered its way into my ears since. Sure to get a lot of love with the public but not as historical as last year.



The semi-finals will take place on May 9 and May 11, both starting at 3 PM EST. The grand final will take place on May 13 at the exact same time. Americans can view all three events via Peacock if they have a paid subscription to the service. The events will once again all be hosted by Johnny Weir, who is sure to bring his great enthusiasm and flamboyance to the proceedings. I still miss hearing Graham Norton as a commentator, especially with this one taking place in Liverpool, but Weir has proven to be a great choice for American viewers.

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