Oh boy, did the summer movie season suck. Yeah, I know I say that every single year but now there's cold hard data to back it up. A ton of flat-out bombs and underperformers littered the landscape, so much so that Annabelle: Creation of all movies ended up in the Summer Top Ten with a $90 million haul. Will the fall line-up change that sour tune or be more of the same? Explore with me as we journey through the Oscar contenders and wannabes, the major new films helmed by auteurs, the scary, the strange, the ones that go better with popcorn, the family dreck, the holiday cash-ins, the last of the blockbusters, and some bad Christian flicks.
Let's check out and go thoroughly through all of the offerings coming out in the last four months of 2017.
September 1 has the first big blockbuster of the fall season with... Close Encounters of the Third Kind? Yes, Sony is re-releasing the sci-fi classic in order to commemorate its 40th anniversary. Never you mind that it doesn't actually happen until November 16 and the fact that a lot of people will most likely catch a home rental instead of going to the theaters. The actual real first film of the fall 2017 season is a film that has shuffled thoroughly throughout the year, the sure-to-be bad and boring period piece Tulip Fever. If you need a fresh reminder of its stink, this film is features an affair between a painter and a abused rich lady, the old economics of the tulip market, and Zach Galifianakis in a dramatic role. In limited release, Marvel is releasing the first two television episodes of Inhumans into IMAX theaters as a special theatrical release. This technically will make it a qualifying movie and a new entry into the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Regardless, why would you spend money on something that you can get for free, especially given the track record of Marvel television shows? The delightful Lake Bell returns behind the camera for her second directorial effort with I Do... Until I Don't. Reviews have already come in and many sadly say that the indie comedy wastes its potential as it follows many quirky married couples and a documentary crew who follows them.
September 8 wonderfully and finally gives us It. This long attempted Hollywood adaptation of the Stephen King classic will follow the first half of the book, chronicling the outsider kids who dubbed themselves "The Losers' Club" and their struggle to combat a killer entity in the form of a circus clown. The film did received some blow back from fans online for its backstage problems and build-up, from the loss of Cary Fukunaga from the project to the questionable production material of Pennywise leering out of a drainpipe. However, all of that criticism was essentially wiped out when the amazing trailer was unleashed and legitimately scared some folks. This preview along with the news of Andrés Muschietti (Mama) stepping in as the new director makes the film the hottest ticket of the season. Oh yes, more so than a certain space opera. For the squeamish folks, they can check out this weekend Home Again, where Reese Witherspoon returns to the romantic comedy genre after a five-year absence. Here, she plays a divorced mother seeking a rebirth in her love life and finds in the form of a hunky young guy and his small group of fellow millenials. This movie brings last year's Morgan to shame as it too is a nepotistic film, being produced by a famous director (Nancy Meyers) but directed by their nobody offspring (Hallie Meyers-Shyer). Could be a pleasant night out or, just like Morgan, it will fail hard to catch the proper audience. And oh god please no, there's the pathetically exploitative 9/11. Charlie Sheen and a small cast of why-are-they-here? stars play people trapped in an elevator after one of the World Trade Center towers is hit. Meanwhile, Whoopi Goldberg farts around in a small maintenance set as she tries to help save the group. I shouldn't have to tell you why this looks like pure shit. I will only tell you that is coming from Atlas Distribution Company, the same company that gave us the absolutely awful trilogy of Atlas Shrugged. Nothing too great coming in limited circles save for GKIDS releasing another anime film with Napping Princess.
September 15 is the weekend of widely released thrillers. First up has Paramount surprisingly giving a wide release to what is certainly an art movie. mother! is the latest from dark auteur Darren Aronofsky and features Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem finding themselves trapped in their resort house by a swarm of uninvited guests. Paramount is banking heavily on the star power of Lawrence, which honestly has taken a hit since the disappointing reception of Joy and the negative response of Passengers. The studio must really believe they have another Black Swan on their hands and not another Noah. American Assassin has Dylan O'Brien returning to the spotlight after his infamous stunt mishap on the upcoming final chapter of The Maze Runner. Based on the popular thriller books series by Vince Flynn, O'Brien plays Mitch Rapp, a man who undergoes intense CIA training in order to get back at the jihadist group that killed his girlfriend. I would fop it off but I frankly would like more simple and effective action flicks nowadays. Plus, I still think O'Brien has the potential to be a worthy movie star. And last but not too least is All I See Is You, a horror-thriller from Marc Foster of all people. Blake Lively plays a blind woman who undergoes surgery to regain her sight only to experience disturbing details about her life and her marriage to Jason Clarke. Nothing too special to talk about and it has been receiving no press so don't expect a groundbreaker.
September 22 gives us the first true blue action film of the season with Kingsman: The Golden Circle. Taron Egerton and Mark Strong are all on their own after the Kingsman is wiped out by evil Julianne Moore and is up to them to stop them. Much of the hoopla has been around the surprise return of Colin Firth, which is great for those who actually cared for the first film. As counter-programming to the male-centric action flick, families and animated fans can possibly enjoy The Lego Ninjago Movie. I say possibly because there are several notches against this picture. Firstly, it's based off a toy series and a television show that are not at the height of its popularity anymore. Secondly, the film's marketing has been pretty bad, only focusing on the central plot line of the green ninja Lloyd and his evil father instead of, you know, more ninja-based action and humor. And thirdly, it has "Ninjago" in the title, which sounds incredibly stupid to untrained human ears. Now, I may have criticized Hallie Meyers-Shyer earlier for her easy race to the director's chair but I and everyone else would glad watch her attempt at filmmaking than Simon Verhoeven's take with Friend Request. The son of German director Michael Verhoeven, his very generic horror film follows a college airhead who experiences bad online curses after she chose to block the campus' resident freak from Facebook. Receiving a limited run before expansion is Battle of the Sexes, the first potential Oscar contender. The sports comedy chronicles the legendary tennis match between Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs, with Emma Stone and Steve Carrell playing them respectively. It could a fun sit but anyone with media knowledge knows that this idea was already done 16 years ago with the television movie When Billie Beat Bobby.
September 29 gives us another Hollywood remake that no one asked for. Flatliners has Ellen Page and a bunch of pretty young doctors deliberately killing themselves in order to see if there is an afterlife. Mental complications obviously ensue. This worthless film is shockingly been directed by Niels Arden Oplev, the Danish director of the original The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. His last American release Dead Man Down wasn't so hot but he rebounded with celebrated television episodes for Under The Dome and Mr. Robot. Unfortunately, this dull looking movie looks to continue a downward trend and will bomb with audiences. Speaking of box office poison, Tom Cruise headlines Doug Liman's American Made. The once hot movie star plays real-life figure Barry Seal, a pilot who is hired by the CIA to help transport illegal material to and from Central America in the 1970s. It does look charming but Cruise is just not cutting it with today's audiences outside his Mission: Impossible films, which was furthered highlighted this year with the toxic response to The Mummy. Well, it is the fall movie season so of course we need another bare-bones thriller starring talented black actors, this time with Til Death Do Us Part. I will not expand upon it further because it's just a cheap repurposing of Sleeping With The Enemy.
October 6 kicks off the Halloween festivites with absolutely no horror films. None. Instead, we get Blade Runner 2049, the long gestated sequel to the Ridley Scott's sci-fi classic. Denis Villeneuve takes over as the director, which is a total godsend considering Scott's recent output, and features Ryan Gosling as the latest blade runner searching for "evil" replicants. I'm a bit hesitant with this one; I and many others really didn't need a continuation of this dystopian story but the talent behind it and what has been shown in the trailers is way too good to pass up. For the bored and desperate, The Mountain Between Us has Idris Elba and Kate Winslet trying to survive in the harsh wintery mountains after a plane crash. The genericness of this picture for some strange reason just absolutely pisses me off. As for the kiddies and some obnoxious adult male fans, Twilight Sparkle and the rest of the friendly ponies of Ponyville hit the big screen with My Little Pony: The Movie. Yes, Hasbro thought it would be a good idea to give this movie the same name as the 1986 theatrical release.
October 13 thankfully gives us at least one horror for the holiday season from Hollywood and it's a doozy. Happy Death Day follows a college sorority girl whose stuck in a Groundhog Day scenario where's she killed by a masked villain every night. It comes from Blumhouse so it will be a coin-flip on whether or not it is good. Chadwick Boseman completes a trifecta of famous black icons with him playing Thurgood Marshall in the biopic titled, what else, Marshall. However, instead of chronicling the full history of the future Supreme Court judge, it focuses on a pivotal case where Marshall defended black chauffeur Joseph Spell from a rape charge. Those looking for action might find some with The Foreigner. Jackie Chan looks to give one of his most darkest performances as a Paul Kersey-like man who goes on a warpath after his daughter is killed during a bombing. Annapurna Pictures think they have a Oscar contender with Professor Marston and the Wonder Women but giving this drama about the creator of Wonder Woman and his radical opinions about marriage and sex looks to be too dry for a wide release. The highlight of the limited releases this weekend is 78/52: Hitchcock's Shower Scene, which naturally takes a close look at the famous shower scene from Psycho. The lowlight of the limited releases, however, is Goodbye Christopher Robin, a turgid looking drama about A. A. Milne and the creation of Winnie-the-Pooh.
October 20 is a skip weekend. Tyler Perry's Boo 2! A Madea Halloween will be the money winner this weekend, as it once again has Tyler Perry cross-dressing as an annoying old bitty and having her and her crew getting entangled with Halloween antics. Geostorm, a movie that I completely forgot was actually in production, tries to sell you Gerard Butler as a scientist who's trying to prevent his space weather machine from destroying the Earth to no avail. Only The Brave could be promising as it follows the group of firefighters who dangerously fought the Yarnell Hill Fire but it would best be suited to watch it on TNT. You have The Snowman, a cold (ha!) thriller starring Michael Fassbender that is so unbelievably laughable to take seriously, especially once you see the highlighted snowman head in the trailers. And finally, Same Kind of Different as Me is finally released by the dummies at Pure Flix for general consumption only for everyone to spit at the notion of paying a movie ticket in 2017 to see a Greg Kinnear/Renée Zellweger Christian film.
October 27 is the designated Halloween weekend and yet there's only one horror film coming out. Jigsaw will try to resurrect the Saw franchise, as we once again have a group of kidnapped people undergoing torturous games by a creepy doll all the while detectives are trying to locate them. I would be interested in experiencing the once annual tradition of a Saw coming out this specific weekend but I still haven't got around to sitting through any of them. If you think torture porn isn't dour enough for you, you can watch Miles Teller play a PTSD-stricken soldier in Thank You For Your Service, based on a non-fiction book by David Finkel. It is written and directed by the screenwriter of American Sniper Jason Hall and looks to offer up nothing new to say about the horrors of war. George Clooney tries to once direct a picture with a little help from his buddies the Coen Brothers with Suburbicon. Matt Damon stars as a stressed out office worker living is a creepy 1950's suburb who goes off the deep end when some mobsters continue to impact his family life. The black comedy doesn't seem to be funny enough from the trailers, plus Clooney isn't known for making a great film pass 2005. Meanwhile in NY and LA, the surprise Palm d'Or winner at this year's Cannes Film Festival The Square arrives to bug everyone out. The satirical look at modern art and the societal elite comes courtesy of Ruben Östlund (Force Majeure).
November 3 is the weekend of Marvel and Thor: Ragnarok. This film has been coasting on a lot of goodwill and early buzz. From Taika Waititi being named its director, to its loose adaptation of the comic book storyline "Planet Hulk", to the Led Zeppelin rocking trailer, everybody has been clamouring to see this far more than any previous Thor film. For those women who rather not see sexy Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston, they can watch as Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell , and Kathryn Hahn continue their brand of debauchery with A Bad Moms Christmas. In the limited releases, we have Takashi Miike unleashing his latest bloody epic with the manga adaptation of Blade of the Immortal and Woody Harrelson tries to net a Best Actor nomination with the paltry looking LBJ.
November 10 frankly kinda stinks as no one really wants to open up a fresh new release only to end up in 2nd place. All we are being offered up this weekend is a sequel no one wanted and a remake no one asked for. Daddy's Home 2 continues the misadventures of daddies turned buddies Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell as they must deal with their own fathers coming back into the picture. While teens will flock to waste money on generic PG-13 charades, the over 45 crowd will instead head off to see Kenneth Branagh's take on Murder on the Orient Express. The Agatha Christie classic is always a lot of fun but it remains to be seen what this adaptation will bring beside Branagh's obnoxiously large moustache for his Hercule Poirot. I love that 20th Century Fox is so desperate for younger audiences they put Imagine Dragons' "Believer" on all of the trailers. Coming to NY and LA theaters will be the true highlight of the weekend, Lady Bird. The indie film is written and directed by Greta Gerwig and features Saoirse Ronan as a contentious high school rebel struggling to come to terms with her eventual ascent to adulthood.
November 17 will have Justice League and the DC Cinematic Universe coming to claim the throne from Marvel. Because I'm a nerd in general, I will of course go see it. However, like everybody else, my expectations will be very, very low. Warner Bros. and DC just do not know how to properly run this show, along Zack Snyder carte blanche despite him always coming up craps. They had a shining savior earlier this year with the stellar Wonder Woman but the lack of enthusiasm for this quick team-up combined with the reshoots, directorial subbing in with Joss Whedon, and drama surrounding Henry Cavill's mustache has left everyone less than pleased. For families, there is the cloying crowdpleaser Wonder. Based on the 2012 book of the same name, it follows a little boy with facial birth defects as he enters public school. I frankly roll my eyes as this material, especially if it has Owen Wilson and Julia Roberts in the cast, but others will glad flock to it to have a little cry or inform their little brat that it's totally not cool to bully. I would glad take my kid to see it, that is if I had one, rather than subject the both of us to The Star. Sony continues their Christian film strategy with an animated take on the Nativity Story but from the perspective of the animals. Make note, everyone: if you don't see this tripe when it comes out, you will surely either have to wait till Easter or next Christmas to see it on video.
November 22 is the special start for the Thanksgiving weekend and sees many choices to pick from. The sure winner of the lot is Coco, the latest from Pixar. The animated adventure follows a Mexican boy whose obsession with a Mexican singing icon leads him to be transported to the Land of the Dead. Though colorful and imaginative, I will say I have kinda weened off the Pixar juice. Also not helping the film is its close resemblance to The Book of Life. Those too dumb to think straight can willingly waste their money with Eli Roth's remake of Death Wish, with Bruce Willis stepping in as Paul Kersey. Eli Roth and Bruce Willis, two names that have really lost their value in today's market. And then you have Molly's Game, the directorial debut of acclaimed yet polarizing writer Aaron Sorkin. Here he has the talented and lovely Jessica Chastain play Molly Bloom, a hotshot businesswoman who ran an illegal poker ring before getting arrested by the FBI. I'm crossing my fingers that this is actually good and not more of Sorkin's bad habits and traits which he infamously displayed with The Newsroom. There's also something called Villa Capri which I can't find anything about despite getting a wide release during the biggest weekend of the season.
December 1 kicks off the final month of 2017 with Polaroid. Hooray? But who really cares about that sure-to-be-PG-13-and-forgettable horror film from the Weinsteins when you have The Disaster Artist hitting NY and LA this weekend! James Franco directs and stars as Tommy Wiseau, the bizarre European man who spent $6 million to make one of the worst film ever made The Room, which is now celebrated by bad movie fans all over. Adapted from the tell-all book of the same name by Greg Sestero, here played by Dave Franco, I and many others online have been eagerly awaiting for the film.
December 8 has no wide releases. None. Zilch. All of the studios want to steer clear of Star Wars and try to scrounge up everything they can with their November releases. In limited circles, however, you have two big films from famous auteurs. First up is what might be the worst of the two: Not content with pissing off everyone with the terrible Alien: Covenant, Ridley Scott brings forth All the Money in the World, a would-be Oscar contender that mixes the movie Missing with the problems of rich people. The film recounts the real-life story of the kidnapping of John Paul Getty III, the grandson of billionaire J. Paul Getty, and the trials and tribulations it brought forth, particularly Getty's own refusal to bend to the kidnappers. The performances may be good, save for Kevin Spacey under heavy makeup as Getty, but this looks like total nonsense. Thankfully, Guillermo del Toro is here to save us with The Shape of Water. Sally Hawkins plays a deaf woman working in a crummy secret government facility who eventually falls in love with a locked-up fishman. That sounds fantastic and looks to be a delightful winner.
December 15 is all about Star Wars: The Last Jedi. It will win the box office race for the rest of the year and earn a lot of dough. What remains to be seen, however, is if the less than amazing response to last year's Rogue One will impact this film's final tally and see the famous sci-fi franchise on a downward trend. That may not sound like much considering it will still get around a billion dollars but it's pretty important for egg heads like me and the Disney shareholders. Even though families will head to theaters in force for "The Force", Dreamworks is expecting bored mothers and dumb kids to pass on the lightsabers in order to shell out for Ferdinand. The second Latino-themed animated film this season, this one features John Cena voicing a non-violent bull who's kidnapped into being a victim in bullfighting and trying to find a way back to his loving girl caretaker. Judging from the trailers, the film looks like it will be skipping over the whole reality of bullfighting, in that bulls are slowly and horrifically murdered by a matador before collapsing in defeat. Dreamworks really hopes you don't Google search it, or remember the classic Looney Tunes short with Bugs Bunny facing an ornery bull. But why care about an outdated form of entertainment that has no impact on today's culture when you can see some crazy hedgehogs? There so crazy!
December 20 is a special Wednesday premiere for Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, the long gestated sequel to a semi-popular 90's family film that strips everything out of the original. Instead of a magical jungle board game that brings a couple of kids and wild man Robin Williams together, it is now an old video game locked away in a school's basement that brings a quartet of misfits together. I'll be honest, this looks to be a dumb movie but a fun one at least. I hate the the subtitle and the usage of the famous/overplayed song by Guns N' Roses yet I find myself a little drawn to the wacky violent antics. However, the film has five credited screenwriters and is directed by Jake Kasdan, who hasn't made a good comedy film in a decade with Walk Hard. I would rather use my Christmas downtime to see this than any of the other Christmas releases. Speaking of which...
December 22 looks to counterprogram the easy second weekend of The Last Jedi with several comedy titles. Female audiences will likely venture out for Pitch Perfect 3, which brings the now graduated Barden Bellas back together one last time in order to win a slot in an USO European tour. Most likely will be serviceable and endless watchable for some but nothing truly spectacular. Those looking for more indie-themed comedy can check out Downsizing, the latest from writer-director Alexander Payne. In the near future, the dangers of overpopulation has led to the new technology of shrinking people in order to save the environment. Incentives such as change of wealth has led many, including Matt Damon and Kristen Wiig, to go with the procedure. Payne was one of my favorite directors until he created the awfulness that was The Descendants but he was able to turn it all around with the beautifully sad and funny Nebraska. I'm cautiously optimistic that this might be a good watch. There's also Bastards, the much delayed comedy with Owen Wilson and Ed Helms trying to find their birth dad, but that is highly likely to be really terrible. Oddly, The Six Billion Dollar Man is also on schedule to come at this week but there's has been no media for it yet from The Weinstein Company. That's a good thing actually because no one was looking forward to an adaptation of the once famous 70's television show.
December 25 presents the exclusive Christmas widescreen premiere of The Greatest Showman, an original musical about the life of P.T. Barnum. Oh boy, people in the 21st century just absolutely love the circus! So much so that Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus famously shut down its entire operations back in May of this year! Like most people, I'll most likely be dragged along to see this simply because of family interest but this could really bomb if it doesn't get the families in droves. Also not helping matters is that it's directed by Australian director Michael Gracey, who has had no experience with feature films, let alone an expensive one. Apparently, he's set to direct an American adaptation of the popular anime/manga Naruto! Oh no! And finally, we have Untitled Paul Thomas Anderson Project, which I'm really looking more forward to if it is a real thing. Even if it's just an expanded musical film of the rock band HAIM, whom he has directed in their music video for "Right Now" this year, I'll be happy. That remains me: what ever happened to Untitled Blumhouse Horror II and Untitled Paramount Horror Film in IMAX back in April?
My Top Picks of Fall 2017
1. It
2. The Disaster Artist
3. Star Wars: The Last Jedi
4. The Shape of Water
5. Thor: Ragnarok
6. Justice League
7. Blade Runner 2049
8. mother!
9. The Lego Ninjago Movie
10. Blade of the Immortal
Of course, there are some films not mentioned here or included because I frankly had a hard time determining their release time frame. The biggest examples of these are the forever-in-limbo Amityville: The Awakening and any of the upcoming Netflix original films. Also, there is a possibility that any of the featured films will later be delayed.
I hope your movie experiences will be as good as mine, but probably less cynical.
