Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Joke Film Awards of 2014

Best Film Title of the Year: The Strange Color of Your Body's Tears

Most Accurate Film Title: Bears

Same Dress, Different Hairstyle: The Legend of Hercules and Hercules

The Eric Roth Award for Worst Display of Self-Plagiarism: Radio Silence (V/H/S's "10/31/98" = The finale of Devil's Due)

Palm Dog Award: Winston - Feast (Runner Up: Daisy - John Wick)

Best Duel with an Animal: Hercules vs. Horse - Hercules

Best Use of a Nearly Three Hour Running Time: Boyhood

Worst Use of a Nearly Three Hour Running Time: Transformers: Age of Extinction

Best Kill: Big G's "open wide" in Godzilla

Worst Kill: Gwen Stacy's fall in The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Most Suspenseful Sequence Involving an Answering Machine: The last showdown in Blue Ruin

Most Suspenseful Sequence Involving a Fast Food Joint: The setup in Nightcrawler

Most "Suspenseful" Sequence Involving Bigfoot: The 20-minute tent scene in Willow Creek

Best Use of a Jump Scare: The submerged man in Under the Skin

Best Reason to Fast-Forward to the End: The total destruction of the city in Pompeii

Most Incestuous Film: That Lovely Girl

Actor with the Biggest Open Schedule of the Year: Tilda Swinton

The Ryan Reynolds Award for The Biggest Failure to Jump to Stardom: Brenton Thwaites (Runner Up: Kellan Lutz)

The Lorraine Bracco Award for The Biggest Failure to Jump to Stardom: Imogen Poots

Best Cameo in a Comedy Movie: Michael Shannon in They Came Together

Oddest Cameo in a Kid's Movie: Jack the Ripper in Jack and the Cuckoo-Clock Heart (Runner Up: PSY in The Nut Job)

Oddest Cameo in a Horror Movie: Kathleen Turner in Nurse

Worst Use of Whitewashing: The entire cast of Exodus: Gods and Kings

Worst Use of Metaphors: Robert McCall's books in The Equalizer

Worst Use of ADR: Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas

Worst Use of a Queen Song: Heaven Is For Real

Best Food: Mendl's Courtesan au Chocolat in The Grand Budapest Hotel

Best Product Placement: Legos in The Lego Movie

Worst Product Placement: Spider-Man in Heaven Is For Real (Runner Up: Dick's and Hooters in Blended)

Most Boob-tastic Poster: Free the Nipple

Most Butt-tastic Poster: Dumbbells (Runner Up: Cam2Cam)

Best Character Poster Line: Cheap Thrills

Worst Character Poster Line: The Expendables 3

Best Raunchy Tagline: "They put balls back in the game" - The Battered Bastards of Baseball

Worst Raunchy Tagline: "Say hello to his little friend" - Bad Johnson

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