I frankly can not get enough of Eurovision. It is one of my new favorite things in life. It pushes all of the right buttons and caters to several of my deepest pleasures of entertainment.
I crossed paths with it several times in the past when searching through YouTube, watching a video or two of a random performance or seeing some recaps buried on some user’s channel. However, I didn’t really go absolutely bananas for Eurovision until I sat down and watched last year’s edition which was broadcasted on Logo. I went into it completely blind and just marveled at all of the artistry and craziness on display. The fat Croatian who dueted with himself, switching between a high pitch pop voice and a deep soprano. The Moldovan going hard on a saxophone while wearing a tuxedo and doing the Running Man. The singer from Azerbaijan whose performance had Holocaust-like imagery and a suited man with a horse head perched atop a ladder. The sheer irony of the contest’s slogan of “Celebrate Diversity” yet had three very white Ukrainian male hosts with limited English skills. The high notes, the flat notes, the cheeky prankster who bared his ass live on television, and the rigorous but compelling voting before the eventual crowning of the winner.
Since that special Saturday last May, I spent a huge chunk of my time and energy on everything Eurovision. I explored the official channel on YouTube and all of their posted performances, watched past Eurovision editions, went through many lists and fan opinion videos, bought and imported the official CDs of past contests (including the awful copy-protected ones!), and picked up any book which delved into the history of the entertainment event.
This magical time of the year is mere days away so I thought it would be best to write up a series of articles about the annual event. I wanted to create some easy and helpful guides for the curious American viewer who wants to dip their toes into Eurovision. I also wanted to nerd the hell out about it and showcase my opinion about the best and worst aspects of the contest. But let's first start off by answering some of the most frequently asked questions about Eurovision, beginning with the one that tends to pop up all the time:
What is the Eurovision Song Contest?
To best sum it up, it is what you get when American Idol is crossed with the Olympics and has the budget and craftsmanship of the Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Care to explain it more plainly?
Sure thing. It’s an annual event of national pride, visual spectacle, artistic flair and insanely produced kitsch. Nearly all of the nations of Europe along with a few outlier countries each submit an artist and an original song clocking in under or at three minutes as their representative. They are all presented live on television via highly staged performances. National juries and the public view them all and determine a winner from their combined votes.
Outlier countries? What do you mean?
Throughout its history, the contest has had several countries outside of Europe participate. Examples include Turkey, Azerbaijan, Israel, and Australia.
Australia?! Why the hell are they here?!
Eurovision is a huge deal in Australia. Their deep fandom for the contest led to them having Jessica Mauboy, one of their most popular singers, be a part of the 2014 contest. The country was given a special one-time guest inclusion into the 2015 contest as part of Eurovision’s 60th anniversary. They ended up in 5th place. This major success help lead them to become an official participant.
But that still doesn’t fully explain how come they get to participate?!
Okay, if you want to get technical: Australia paid the fee to get into the contest.
Wait, what fee?
In order to enter the Eurovision Song Contest each year, a country has to pay the show’s backers, the European Broadcasting Union (EBU).
So the United States can actually participate if they pay the fee?
Yes.
What if a country doesn’t pay the EBU?
Those that refuse to put coin down are disqualified from participation.
Some countries, such as Ukraine in 2015, simply can’t afford to pay for their ticket due to financial issues and/or having more pressing matters such as political upheaval. Others, most notably Romania in 2016, are forcibly withdrawn due to non-payments and heavy debts to the EBU.
Okay, okay. So how many countries can participate in a given year if they pay up?
All of them. Eurovision has seen much fluctuation in its participants. They will have 36 countries one year, the next it jumps up to 43.
That must make for one long boring show.
No, that’s not really the case. The Eurovision Song Contest Grand Final currently consists of only 26 countries, 26 songs. Earlier in the week, Eurovision has two semi-final rounds which are also broadcasted live. Each round usually has around 18 participating countries, who get to perform their songs early before everybody. After some voting, ten countries are chosen to move on to the grand final.
Wait, the semi-finals only offer up 20 of the final participants. Where do the other 6 come from?
The United Kingdom, Spain, France, Italy, and Germany are referred to as “The Big Five”. They are the major backers of the EBU and the Eurovision Song Contest so they get a bye to the final. The last participant, who also receives a bye, is the host country.
How is the host country determined?
The nation that won the contest the previous year gets to be the host country. For example, the 2017 edition was won by Portugal. Therefore, this year’s edition will take place there, specifically the city of Lisbon.
Please run down how the Eurovision Grand Final normally plays out.
Sure thing. First, there’s a opening video and ceremonial introduction designed to hype up the host country and the contest itself. Then, similar to the Olympics, there’s a parade of champions, consisting of the 26 artists that made it to the final. After all of that processed sound and fury, the presenters of the evening pop up and explain the rules and the running order of performances, both in English and French.
What’s with the bilingual explanations?
English and French are the two most widespread languages across Europe and are a stable of the contest, particularly during the voting process.
Okay, please continue.
We then get to experience the live performances. Before each and every one of them, there’s a “postcard”, a little video vignette where usually the upcoming performer(s) experiences the culture of the host country in a playful way. To give some relief to the audience, the presenters occasionally re-appear after a couple of performances to do a brief skit or have a walk through the green room to chat with the artists. After the 26th song is finished, the presenters and usually a special guest announce that voting has started.
How do you vote?
As an American, you can’t. You need to have a working phone and be somewhere in Europe in order to vote. A little recap video will play which will show all of the performances and their associated voting phone numbers. Simply call it up and pay the required phone fee to vote for your favorite.
Any other catches with the voting?
Yes. The public can not vote for their own country while residing in there. For instance, if you want to vote for Ireland, you can’t be sitting in your gaff in Dublin. However, if are in a different country at the time of the contest, you can vote for your home country all you want.
So what happens with the show during the voting process?
The public is given about 20-40 minutes to vote (the national juries already placed their votes after viewing the final dress rehearsal). During this time, you are treated to an interval act, aka the halftime show. It can range anywhere from more artists from the home country performing to interpretative dance to Justin Timberlake.
What?! Justin Timberlake was at Eurovision?!
Yes he was but that’s for another article.
You tease. So then what happens?
After the interval act and any other special performances, the votes are then presented and read out.
First up are the national juries. The presenters basically Skype in with every country and their respective spokesperson. After some banter, which can go off the rails or be very awkward because of the video delay, the spokesperson presents the top ten of their country’s national jury, displaying the first nine and then verbally declaring their number one pick. This goes on until all of the national juries have chimed in.
Are there points involved with the top ten?
Yes. Tenth place to fourth place receive 1 to 7 points respectively. Third place gets 8 points. Second place gets 10 points. First place gets 12 points aka “douze points”.
What about the public vote?
After the national jury votes are locked in, we then move on to the televote. Unlike the more arduous task of finding out how the national juries voted, the presenters bequeath the points of the public vote to the participating countries from the tabulated results, starting first with the country with the lowest amount of televotes to the highest.
To best explain it, let’s say that Iceland was No. 10 in the televote for Austria and No. 4 in the televote for Switzerland. Iceland’s overall point total from the televotes would then be 8 points.
The points from the televotes are added to the points from the national juries, thus determining the final results of the contest.
Can a country receive zero points?
Oh yes, very much so. Many entries have received the dreaded “nul points” throughout Eurovision history. Back during the contest’s early days, it was quite common to see many a song receive no love. But the real stigma of a big fat zero really gained strength after an update to the scoring system in 1975. Three years after this significant update, Europe was treated to Jahn Teigen’s infamously spectacular performance of “Mil Etter Mil”. The goofy Norwegian singer bellowed out odd notes, played with his suspenders, and delivered a jumping split at the end. He was award no points and was told that may God rest his soul. Thus, the dishonor of receiving “nul points” began.
After the 2015 contest saw two countries earn zeroes, including the host country for the very first time, the scoring system was changed to the one that was previously explained. Nevertheless, countries now have to worry about receiving double zeroes since the jury and the televote points are no longer combined. Since the changeover, three countries have suffered zeroes from one or the other: Spain in 2017 got no love from the jury while Czech Republic in 2016 and Austria in 2017 received no love from the public.
So how exactly do you win Eurovision?
That’s the million dollar question. If we lived in a perfect and just world, the winner would be determined by democratic means, where the very best performance gets to win the giant glass microphone, i.e. the country with the best artist, best voice, best song both lyrically and production wise, and best staging. However, music like others forms of art and entertainment is purely subjective. Plus you have favoritism, marketing campaigns, political and social tactics, the diaspora of Europe, bloc voting, some illegal practices, etc.
To best answer this question, I suggest watching the humorous BBC documentary special How To Win Eurovision, which someone on YouTube was kind enough to upload. Fans of old VH1 programming will enjoy its “Best Week Ever” formatting and it provides a nice encapsulation of the insane history of the contest up to 2012 and the tough time the United Kingdom has been having trying to win again.
I now want a taste of Eurovision. Where should I start?
I would suggest starting first with the recap videos of the grand final that Eurovision themselves have uploaded to YouTube. From these buffet-like montages, you can then pick and choose the performances or songs that capture your attention.
But I want to have the whole experience. Which Eurovision contest should I watch first?
Since the newest edition is right around the corner as of this writing, I would say start with the 2018 edition. You can certainly watch it by yourself but it’s a whole lot better to watch with someone else or with a group. The contest will air on May 12 on Logo and will feature live commentary from Ross Mathews and Shangela of RuPaul's Drag Race fame.
If you want to delve into the past first, I would suggest any contest from the last four years. However, the easiest one to watch is the 2015 edition because the official Eurovision YouTube channel was nice enough to stream the entire contest (both semis and the grand final) and allow Americans to watch. This edition is also well suited due its high quality of song offerings, at least in my opinion, and the lack of any joke/troll entries. Be warned though that these videos are just the live satellite feed so there will be no commentators and you will lose some of the minutiae of the songs and performers.
I can't find the performances from the 2016 or 2017 contests. Where are they on YouTube?
Unfortunately, thanks to those jerks in Viacom, the official performance videos from the 2016 and 2017 editions are currently still geo-blocked on YouTube. But with a little searchy-searchy you can find them via other countries' broadcasts.
I've given you all of the background you will ever need for the contest itself. Now it is time to have some fun and explore the bevy of songs and artists that graced the Eurovision stage.
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