My Tops of 2013 - August

THE SMURFS 2 was a bad sequel to a bad kids' movie. Not the worst I've seen but it's not a worthy ticket for "family fun". Please stay in Smurf Village next time, Sony.

GROWN UPS 2. Dear God.

EVIL DEAD was extremely and deliciously gory. Too bad it comes off the heels of The Cabin in the Woods and isn't a good remake or re-imagining of the cult horror classic.

AFTERSHOCK was a dirty, unpleasant disaster affair, ruled over by producer/writer/actor Eli Roth and his copy-pasting of Hostel.

THE HOST delivered another Stephenie Meyer failure to the big screen. Now, please tell Ronan's inner voice to shut the hell up.

BULLET TO THE HEAD was a lazy Stallone action non-starter. At least the axe fight was cool.

THE SAPPHIRES was a highly predictable crowd pleaser but it soared thanks to its music and the cast.

WE'RE THE MILLERS only had one good joke and it was a blooper.

KICK-ASS 2 was entertaining but a slight mis-step. It's a masterpiece compared to Mark Millar's comic book vision.

THE BIG WEDDING was a turgid adult comedy, where everyone is bed-hopping and have no human emotions on their faces or with each other.

EMPEROR had potential with its investigative examination of Emperor Hirohito and his involvement in WWII but the film spent more time with Matthew Fox's dopy search for a college crush.

MUD was a fine Southern drama. The performances by McConaughey and the kids were good. The boyish attitudes towards women were not.

THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES had some laughs at its own Twilight-inspired design but it eventually became queasy to stomach and fell apart at its seams.

ELYSIUM could have been a very good follow-up for Neil Bloomkamp but its political/social messages are screwed-up and had too many moments that produced eye-rolls or head-slaps.


Best Films of 2013


1. Pain & Gain

2. Spring Breakers

3. 20 Feet from Stardom

4. Pacific Rim

5. The Croods

6. Now You See Me

7. Side Effects


Worst Films of 2013


1. Grown Ups 2

2. After Earth

3. The Hangover: Part III

4. Man of Steel

5. Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

6. The Internship

7. Movie 43

8. Aftershock

9. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

10. A Good Day to Die Hard

11. Jack the Giant Slayer

12. To the Wonder

13. The Host

14. The Big Wedding

15. Beautiful Creatures

16. A Haunted House

17. The Last Exorcism Part II

18. We're the Millers

Summer 2013 Review

Wow, this year still hasn't earned or achieved a turnaround in quality.


After a largely forgettable and/or awful spring movie season, where only a few films were able to stand out, we had to suffer through a summer season filled with high-profiled disasters, whose hooks were often filled with disaster footage: Car destruction, buildings being demolished, massive body counts, cities obliterated, and heroes not giving a shit. The only film to feature all of these detracting elements yet had a laugh about it was This Is the End. The rest weren't so lucky or able to keep people from frowning and being bored.


Now, a lot of movie critics and writers have already sent in there large walls of text about this season, so I'll try to be brief as much as I can and try not to repeat their praises and detractions. It will be kinda hard considering we just when through a massive sea of disappointment for four months.




The number one winner was another Marvel film, Iron Man 3. I enjoyed the feature and all of the kinks added to the franchise by writer/director Shane Black. Still, it wasn't truly earth-shattering. I blame the limp ending where they wants us to foolishly believe that Stark hangs up his power armor. It might be a fitting end for a trilogy but not for one of the cornerstones of the massive Marvel Film Universe.




Speaking of Earth destruction, there were a lot of that, with mixed to catastrophic results. First, there was Star Trek Into Darkness, the stupidly-named sequel to the popular reboot, that spent most of the time catering to fan service and wholesale cribbing from The Dark Knight and The Wrath of Khan. Its anti-climatic ship-crashing into the main hub of Earth led to much CGI destruction, which was then seemingly wiped away in the epilogue. The same went with Man of Steel, another audience filler that had many jeer or be spurned by its "efforts" (including myself to a very high degree). Its abhorring finale had Metropolis suffering a 9/11 massacre, sucking any fun a person could have for the dreadful film. Fast & Furious 6 didn't deliver as much as the highly entertaining fifth entry but made sure to wreck a lot of property and made the hero crew look like selfish assholes at the very end. After Earth featured a rehabilitated Earth, after an unseen apocalypse, but many didn't want to see it because they were too wise to accept sitting through Will Smith's nepotistic presentation of his son as an action hero, let alone another feature from M. Night Shyamalan. World War Z was a surprise, though it stunk as an adaptation. White House Down was skipped over because everyone remembered seeing another White House-attacked film this year (Olympus Has Fallen). Pacific Rim was very good but its hard sell of giant robots didn't wow the rest of the nation, only to instead do gangbusters in China. Elysium had some promise but the sci-fi health care issues scared everyone away. Then, there was The Lone Ranger; as expected, America didn't want to see a western in this day and age and they are sick of Johnny Depp's shtick. Oh yeah, I seriously forgot about this: R.I.P.D. was D.O.A.




The comedy genre continued to sink to lower depths. The Hangover: Part III was more horrendous than the second movie. The Internship was thankfully deleted quickly since nobody wanted to sit through a Google commercial. Peeples had no one buying a ticket; the same went for Girl Most Likely. Families were either burnt out or refused to head out to see The Smurfs 2 in 3D. And finally, Grown Ups 2 was the absolute worst film of the entire season. The only films to receive praise or good business were The Heat, This Is the End, and Blue Jasmine.




Animation took a big hit. Despicable Me 2 was my best reviewed and the one and only to be thoroughly liked (though its sitcom plot bugs me). Monsters University had a better world and funnier jokes but its soul-crushing theme ruined any chance to be stellar. Pixar gave us another sequel/prequel we didn't request for and not only were they unable to make it fully work, they decided to spread melancholy all over kids' dreams. Planes, a movie previously designed for a DVD release, was able to fly-by but without much fanfare. Turbo, however, came up dead last, proving that kids don't really care to see a snail as a hero. There was also Epic; jeez, what a turd.


Not every film ended up so bad: As coined by the New York Times, it was a summer for the B-movies. The Purge, Now You See Me, the as-mentioned comedies, and The Conjuring all were widely accepted. The surprisingly low-key The Wolverine was actually fine and indie fare like Fruitvale Station and Before Midnight drew crowds.


Of my top picks back in May, I saw six in theaters (it will be seven when I check out The World's End next week). Only one of them (thankfully my first pick) ended up being stellar. Will the fall schedule and picks be different? Find out tomorrow.

Bradley Cooper is Rocket Raccoon!

Breaking superhero casting news: Bradley Cooper has been selected to voice Rocket Raccoon in next year's Guardians of the Galaxy, as announced tonight by Marvel Comics. The actor was the long-rumored choice for the role.


Like last week's announcement, my opinion is brief: I really like Bradley Cooper as an actor (hence why he was my top male pick of last year). I believe James Gunn will deliver another eccentrically exciting film.

Brief Film Reviews - August 2013

Some more 2013 films that have hit video:



Evil Dead

A group of friends head to a deserted cabin to support a girl's latest attempt to cold turkey her drug addiction, only to come into contact with dangerous spirits and a book made of flesh. Yet another attempt to remake a famous cult horror flick, EVIL DEAD does at least have two major features: practical effects and a lake-size amount of fake blood. I truly applaud the fine men and women who crafted all of the amazing makeup and prosthetics that is splashed on or torn off the actors. This was advertised as the "most terrifying" film this year when it should the "most macabre". However, this is certainly an old dinosaur; last year's CABIN IN THE WOODS has kindly killed off this form of horror, so it's hard to truly take the scenario seriously (doubly so considering it's a remake). Even if you forgo this thinking, you still have to sit through characters doing head-slapping, seriously stupid things, like leaving their car-keys out in the open or reading cryptic words out loud from a ghastly book, which are literally right next to a warning written in blood telling them not to do so. Worthy for a blood reel or to gross out your friends but not enough to warrant complete approval.


FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5



Aftershock

Three dude-bros and three chicks try to survive the chaos of Chile after an earthquake has wrecked havoc, but not until after 34 minutes of awful character building that will make you wish for all of them to be crushed by rubble at the disaster's inception. Despite being helmed by Nicolas Lopez, the film has the complete stink and auteurship of its lead actor/producer/co-writer Eli Roth. Though it might try to think it's a darker HANGOVER, especially with the Zach Galifianakis-looking "Pollo", AFTERSHOCK is just another retread of Roth's HOSTEL: men looking to fornicate and party, they enter into a non-English-speaking area, unfortunate events happen, the expected kill order of the characters is deliberately jumbled, etc. Roth then decided to add some more flavoring to the mix, that being audience-eroding material like gang rape and aborted fetuses. All of the action sequences and plot twists are painfully easy to spot, even the ones where the outcomes are excruciatingly exploitative. I hated all of the stupid protagonists, including our so-called wet blanket hero, and loathed the film's harsh treatment of women. It's just a giant miserable trek with entitled scumbags and crass horror.


FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5



The Host

Earth has been conquered in the spiritual sense; an invading alien force has implanted their virus-meets-jellyfish beings into the human bodies of nearly everyone on the planet. The newly turned Melanie Stryder (Saoirse Ronan) is specially able to bond with her alien soul, later dubbed "Wanderer", and they both try to run away and meet up with the last of the human survivors, including her apocalypse-spotting uncle (William Hurt) and her former lover (Max Irons). This is an interesting sci-fi concept but it's forever marked down thanks to the YA-appreciating efforts of author Stephenie Meyer. You can tell this movie is going to be very dumb like Meyer's other works when the very first scene has the all-human Melanie jump out of a window, fall five-to-seven flights straight to the ground and somehow is not dead nor has any internal or external injuries. Writer-director Andrew Niccol is clearly trying to work with the text while crafting some beautiful imagery but it is all for naught when the attention is more focused on hunky, mumbling guys and multiple love triangles. A potential subplot involving Melanie's alien antagonist (Diane Kruger) and her own internal struggles is sadly often pushed aside for more scenes featuring the aggravating voice-over by Ronan, yelling out "No! What're you doing? Stop it!" every time "Wanderer" has the alien hots for Jake Abel's character. Ronan is a talented actress but she is wasted here, belting out whines constantly and often forgetting that Melanie is supposedly from Louisiana. Even with all of the teenage melodrama, this a blank affair slowed down to match the speed of molasses. The only exciting element was when the characters frequent a grocery literally labelled "STORE", which supplies soda because it's healthy for alien-possessed humans(?). It's a bit tolerable at times but that doesn't excuse the sheer shallowness and decrepit product.


FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5



Bullet to the Head

Sylvester Stallone's partner is murdered after they both finished up a hit for a mysterious benefactor. He teams up with D.C. detective Sung Kang, who was once partnered with Sly's target in the force, as they try to figure and snuff out the corruption plaguing New Orleans. Make no mistake, this is not a good movie, to the point of having little to no merits to talk about here. Jason Momoa, who plays the villains' head goon, is the only one willing to give a damn and relishes the attention in the well staged fire-axe duel at the finale. If you are in the mood for an old throwback to 90's action-sploitation or just like to see Stallone front-and-center again, you can give it a glance. Just don't expect anything worthwhile, which is sad to say considering Walter Hill (The Warriors, Hard Times, Extreme Prejudice) is sitting in the director's chair.


FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5



The Sapphires

Based on a stage play and a true story, four Aboriginal women in 1968, one of whom is part of the Stolen Generation, decide to work with a Soul-influenced Irish manager (Chris O'Dowd) into securing a job to sing for American soldiers during the Vietnam War. Though it's predictable, THE SAPPHIRES often soars thanks to the musical talents of its ladies, particularly Australian pop star Jessica Mauboy as Julie, the youngest and the disputed lead of the group. It also doesn't have the condescending tone of recent, popular racial films; O'Dowd often sits out of the drama once the group is assemblied, thus truly letting us hear the four's voices. Some of their stories aren't put together properly though: Cynthia (Miranda Tapsell)'s erratic behavior on tour is killed at its inception and the deep, cultural scorn between mama bear Gail (Deborah Mailman) and light-skin Kay (Shari Sebbens) is jumbled up towards its conclusion. Despite these misgivings, it's a nice blast of Australian humor and beautiful music. Probably the best feel good movie from Australia since THE ADVENTURES OF PRISCILLA, QUEEN OF THE DESERT.


FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5



The Big Wedding

The biological mother of an adopted son is somehow unable to accept the 21st century and changed social morals, so he and his family must try to hide a divorce, his father's long-time girlfriend, and any other evidence from the unexpected visitor, all before his big wedding day. This is a sex farce where the sex is distressing (wanna see Robert De Niro perform cunnilingus?) and there are no laughs at all. Well, the latter may not be true because I had a brief one when I saw Katherine Heigl's always mentioned, separated husband turn out to be some poor slob. Really, there's nothing but exasperating stupidity to behold, where the foul-mouthed carpet doesn't match up the drapes of a Hallmark feature. You pretty much have to hate everyone here, whether it's their rich status, their hypocritical natures, or their willingness to shtup without thinking about anyone else's feelings. Given the people in the cast and their checkered careers, you would think everyone would be awful. The only ones for myself that greatly failed were Diane Keaton, once again refusing to act beyond her stiff facials and body, and Ben Barnes as the annoying, smartass groom. Surprisingly, De Niro seemingly tries to put some effort as the dad everyone mocks or punches yet still come back to for his advice and love. After seeing this, you'll be unable to have it annulled from your memory or your mental anguish.


FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5



Emperor

You would think this is about the post-WWII efforts of a group of Allied Forces, headed by General Douglas MacArthur (Tommy Lee Jones), as they investigate whether or not Emperor Hirohito had any involvement in Japan's war operations. It is that for awhile but the majority is instead devoted to Brigadier General Bonner Fellers' (Matthew Fox) search for his fictitious past love. This storyline is somber, in the sense of how trite it is and how it nullifies any effort done by Fox. Jones, on the other hand, is largely in a cameo role, often just declaring the cliche lines of a police captain. He has less flavor and charisma than his General character in CAPTAIN AMERICA. Suitable to keep grandpa busy from re-watching Band of Brothers for the umpteen time. Also, be ready to hear the term "war crimes" over and over again, so keep your shot glasses handy.


FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5



Mud

Two boys head to a small island to retrieve a deserted boat from a tree, only to find a mysterious stranger residing there. The man calls himself Mud and asks them to help him reunite with his lost love, while also spotting and steering clear of the police and the men looking for his whereabouts. The latest from Jeff Nichols (TAKE SHELTER), MUD is another closeup look at a Southern area being deprived of both its cultural identity and its remaining economic hold. The main kid Ellis wishes to help someone less fortunate than even himself, since he's powerless to prevent his parents' divorce, the elimination of his father's job as a river fisherman, and his future as a "townie". Tye Sheridan, who plays Ellis, is an engaging figure and plays well off of both star Matthew McConaughey and father Ray McKinnon, who are also pretty good. The major problem with the film is its shallow moral about women, that they always be playing with a man's emotions. I know Nichols doesn't truly believe this, since he crafted a credible character with Jessica Chastain in SHELTER and with Sarah Paulson here, but it's distressing that this was included solely so Ellis can suffer the same plight as Mud. This parallel structure does lead to a few memorable scenes, especially one at a biker bar, but it feels so forced, predictable, and ultimately juvenile to accept. Despite this unnatural melancholy, the film is an appealing yarn to warm up to.


FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5

Julie Harris - RIP

Julie Harris has died. She was 87 years old.

Though she is mostly known for her extensive work in the theater, where she won five Tony Awards for her performances, she partook in several noteworthy films. Her two famous roles were Abra, the woman caught between two brothers, in Elia Kazan's adaptation of East of Eden and the psychologically fragile Nell in the legendary horror film The Haunting.

She will sorely be missed.

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones - Review

I didn't hate THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES as much as I expected to, especially given that it's another failed TWILIGHT-"inspired" adaptation in a year filled to the brim with them. Its major saving grace is that it refreshingly likes to crack a joke amid all of the standard eye-googling, love triangles, painful angst and supernatural warfare. It doesn't always work, such as a childish clunker involving a werewolf driving a car, but when it snaps, it pops. The characters often mock their vanity and attire, undercut their menacing edge, or use pop culture as a tool to coup with the magical evils. Regardless of this crisp spin of young adult tropes, the film is still really stupid, frankly gross, and is pieced together like a baby's first painting.


New York girl Clary (Lilly Collins) is going through some type of psychotic breakdown because she keeps drawing a weird symbol instinctively, whether on paper or even in her cappuccino. She doesn't receive much help from her aloof mother (Lena Headey) or their family friend Luke (Aidan Turner). When she sees it written on a sign to a goth club one night out with her best friend Simon (Robert Sheehan), it leads her to witness an orchestrated murder by three rogues. The next day, she is followed by one of them, who introduces himself as Jace (Jamie Campbell Bower) and tells her that the man killed was a demon. They are the Shadowhunters, a dwindling group consisted of half-angel individuals who act as the enforcement of the mystical world hidden from the sight of the "mundane" humans. While they chat, Clary's mother tries to fight off two giant baddies searching for something called the Mortal Cup. She is risked away by them but not before forcibly inducing herself into a coma, saving herself from the wrath of their boss Valentine. In order to rescue her, Clary must partner up with her new companions into finding the Cup, unravel the secret memories locked away in her mind, and develop the otherworldly powers she was born into access with.


I'm still trying to figure what was the purpose of the Mortal Cup. It did sorta explain what it does at some point but it goes by so fast in a film that's two plus hours long. For the sake of your mental stability, just accept it as the MacGuffin it truly is, kinda like the Sorcerer's Stone in the first HARRY POTTER movie. Speaking of POTTER, that brings up the film's biggest error: everything included in here is seemingly taken from much better sources. For instance, Valentine's army is composed of demons, though they visually look and act more like wraiths. These demons can take possession of human/animal hosts and mutate their body structure into long grotesque tendrils. They can be spotted only through an unique test, here by playing music from Bach, and are dispatched at one point by a flamethrower. It seems that author Cassandra Clare and screenwriter Jessica Postigo Pasquette enjoy the works of John Carpenter.


It doesn't just end there with THE THING: Though they fight strictly using swords and knifes, the Shadowhunters wield wands around for magical spells like HARRY POTTER. Their wardrobe is benefiting for the UNDERWORLD franchise. The supernatural world is inclusive of every fantasy and horror creature yet all we get to see are vampires and werewolves. The sole exception to this world are zombies because they aren't real, kinda like Leprechauns on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And finally, this magical turmoil set all around New York City makes it feel like bad Fables fan fiction. The only thing that can in someway feel original is that the Hunters graft runes on to their pretty white skins, which grant them superhuman abilities. An interesting concept but it is hampered by the fact that it makes them all look like ugly Tattooed Man cosplayers.


Even with all of this homaging and/or cribbing, the film is a giant mess. Everyone is forced to act like a stooge or suffer from rapid mood swings just to artificially create conflict. An important and unexplained power is literally pulled straight out of nowhere. A character undergoes a heel turn because someone else takes his letter-imprinted ring and turns it upside down. Scenes and plot threads are often missing or completely unresolved; Simon is oddly taken hostage by the vampires at one point solely in order to have an action sequence. After being saved, he then finds out that he doesn't need to wear glasses anymore. That is all to be said about that apparently, even though we and Clary clearly spotted something on his skin. Worst yet, the climax leaves several people in jeopardy and we never find out what happens to them in the end because all of the focus is on Clary and Jace's tortured relationship.


Dear lord, this relationship. It seems that Cassandra Clare saw the female interest in the Edward/Bella courtship of TWILIGHT and wanted to give it an extra edge. This edge was then agreed by the book's publishers, the film's producers, the screenwriter and even the director Harald Zwart. This edge is horrifying. It's more disturbing than seeing a baby's burnt up skeleton or a werewolf pouncing and eviscerating a demon-possessed little girl in the shadows, both of which you can see in this PG-13 film. Because of this twist, CITY OF BONES now gets to join another group of films this year with the same gear-swift. Without spoiling the alike turn of events, let's just that one film involves "sukiyaki" and the other involves an octopus.


I've been railing on this film for so long that it seems it might change my grade mid-writing this review. Thankfully, I can remember the few other ingredients it had that could make it somewhat passible. The action choreography is satisfactory and can make some fights look compelling. Though he does a terrible job, director Zwart does craft some intriguing visual puzzles, with or without the use of CGI. But the most exemplary element is that it's a young adult adaptation with some gay characters whose characterization doesn't rest just on their sexuality. Godfrey Gao plays the best of these characters, as an eccentric club owner and the possible key to Clary's memories.


The rest of the cast aren't as helpful, even the heavy-hitters in the supporting staff. Lilly Collins does get to show some much needed spunk to Clary but I don't know if it's her or the director's fault for the abundance of Bella-approved mouth-agap reaction shots. She's Katherine Hepburn compared to Jace's actor; the creators wanted to cast an actor with model-like looks, only to instead hire a walking poster of a model. Jamie Campbell Bower has a statuesque face, never changing his dull surprise expression in any scenario. He's an unbearably terrible actor in the worst way. For another terrible performance but in a campy way, there is Jonathan Rhys Meyers as the big heavy. He tries to Johnny Depp his role, turning the evil Valentine into a pathetic punk rocker. The only actor able to hold his own and stand out is Robert Sheehan; he has the best lines, the best personality, and plays the only character who isn't creepy, flat, angry, hammy, or grating.


As much as it tries to work, THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES can not overcome its TWILIGHT trappings, nor its own horrible mistakes. Hell, you can see misgivings by just starting with the title; the film and book are named for one location that is the equivalent of a coffee break. Like the other 2013 YA failures, this proposed franchise needs to be dropped after only one attempt.



FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5

Ben Affleck is the New Batman!

In late breaking news for the night, Ben Affleck has been selected to play Bruce Wayne/Batman in the upcoming untitled Superman/Batman film. It has also been announced that the film will come out on July 17th, 2015.


My opinion is brief: I love Affleck as a director. As an actor, I'm not so hot. I still believe Snyder and Goyer will deliver another terrible film.