I didn't hate THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES as much as I expected to, especially given that it's another failed TWILIGHT-"inspired" adaptation in a year filled to the brim with them. Its major saving grace is that it refreshingly likes to crack a joke amid all of the standard eye-googling, love triangles, painful angst and supernatural warfare. It doesn't always work, such as a childish clunker involving a werewolf driving a car, but when it snaps, it pops. The characters often mock their vanity and attire, undercut their menacing edge, or use pop culture as a tool to coup with the magical evils. Regardless of this crisp spin of young adult tropes, the film is still really stupid, frankly gross, and is pieced together like a baby's first painting.
New York girl Clary (Lilly Collins) is going through some type of psychotic breakdown because she keeps drawing a weird symbol instinctively, whether on paper or even in her cappuccino. She doesn't receive much help from her aloof mother (Lena Headey) or their family friend Luke (Aidan Turner). When she sees it written on a sign to a goth club one night out with her best friend Simon (Robert Sheehan), it leads her to witness an orchestrated murder by three rogues. The next day, she is followed by one of them, who introduces himself as Jace (Jamie Campbell Bower) and tells her that the man killed was a demon. They are the Shadowhunters, a dwindling group consisted of half-angel individuals who act as the enforcement of the mystical world hidden from the sight of the "mundane" humans. While they chat, Clary's mother tries to fight off two giant baddies searching for something called the Mortal Cup. She is risked away by them but not before forcibly inducing herself into a coma, saving herself from the wrath of their boss Valentine. In order to rescue her, Clary must partner up with her new companions into finding the Cup, unravel the secret memories locked away in her mind, and develop the otherworldly powers she was born into access with.
I'm still trying to figure what was the purpose of the Mortal Cup. It did sorta explain what it does at some point but it goes by so fast in a film that's two plus hours long. For the sake of your mental stability, just accept it as the MacGuffin it truly is, kinda like the Sorcerer's Stone in the first HARRY POTTER movie. Speaking of POTTER, that brings up the film's biggest error: everything included in here is seemingly taken from much better sources. For instance, Valentine's army is composed of demons, though they visually look and act more like wraiths. These demons can take possession of human/animal hosts and mutate their body structure into long grotesque tendrils. They can be spotted only through an unique test, here by playing music from Bach, and are dispatched at one point by a flamethrower. It seems that author Cassandra Clare and screenwriter Jessica Postigo Pasquette enjoy the works of John Carpenter.
It doesn't just end there with THE THING: Though they fight strictly using swords and knifes, the Shadowhunters wield wands around for magical spells like HARRY POTTER. Their wardrobe is benefiting for the UNDERWORLD franchise. The supernatural world is inclusive of every fantasy and horror creature yet all we get to see are vampires and werewolves. The sole exception to this world are zombies because they aren't real, kinda like Leprechauns on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And finally, this magical turmoil set all around New York City makes it feel like bad Fables fan fiction. The only thing that can in someway feel original is that the Hunters graft runes on to their pretty white skins, which grant them superhuman abilities. An interesting concept but it is hampered by the fact that it makes them all look like ugly Tattooed Man cosplayers.
Even with all of this homaging and/or cribbing, the film is a giant mess. Everyone is forced to act like a stooge or suffer from rapid mood swings just to artificially create conflict. An important and unexplained power is literally pulled straight out of nowhere. A character undergoes a heel turn because someone else takes his letter-imprinted ring and turns it upside down. Scenes and plot threads are often missing or completely unresolved; Simon is oddly taken hostage by the vampires at one point solely in order to have an action sequence. After being saved, he then finds out that he doesn't need to wear glasses anymore. That is all to be said about that apparently, even though we and Clary clearly spotted something on his skin. Worst yet, the climax leaves several people in jeopardy and we never find out what happens to them in the end because all of the focus is on Clary and Jace's tortured relationship.
Dear lord, this relationship. It seems that Cassandra Clare saw the female interest in the Edward/Bella courtship of TWILIGHT and wanted to give it an extra edge. This edge was then agreed by the book's publishers, the film's producers, the screenwriter and even the director Harald Zwart. This edge is horrifying. It's more disturbing than seeing a baby's burnt up skeleton or a werewolf pouncing and eviscerating a demon-possessed little girl in the shadows, both of which you can see in this PG-13 film. Because of this twist, CITY OF BONES now gets to join another group of films this year with the same gear-swift. Without spoiling the alike turn of events, let's just that one film involves "sukiyaki" and the other involves an octopus.
I've been railing on this film for so long that it seems it might change my grade mid-writing this review. Thankfully, I can remember the few other ingredients it had that could make it somewhat passible. The action choreography is satisfactory and can make some fights look compelling. Though he does a terrible job, director Zwart does craft some intriguing visual puzzles, with or without the use of CGI. But the most exemplary element is that it's a young adult adaptation with some gay characters whose characterization doesn't rest just on their sexuality. Godfrey Gao plays the best of these characters, as an eccentric club owner and the possible key to Clary's memories.
The rest of the cast aren't as helpful, even the heavy-hitters in the supporting staff. Lilly Collins does get to show some much needed spunk to Clary but I don't know if it's her or the director's fault for the abundance of Bella-approved mouth-agap reaction shots. She's Katherine Hepburn compared to Jace's actor; the creators wanted to cast an actor with model-like looks, only to instead hire a walking poster of a model. Jamie Campbell Bower has a statuesque face, never changing his dull surprise expression in any scenario. He's an unbearably terrible actor in the worst way. For another terrible performance but in a campy way, there is Jonathan Rhys Meyers as the big heavy. He tries to Johnny Depp his role, turning the evil Valentine into a pathetic punk rocker. The only actor able to hold his own and stand out is Robert Sheehan; he has the best lines, the best personality, and plays the only character who isn't creepy, flat, angry, hammy, or grating.
As much as it tries to work, THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES can not overcome its TWILIGHT trappings, nor its own horrible mistakes. Hell, you can see misgivings by just starting with the title; the film and book are named for one location that is the equivalent of a coffee break. Like the other 2013 YA failures, this proposed franchise needs to be dropped after only one attempt.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
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