Some more 2013 films that have hit video:
Evil Dead
A group of friends head to a deserted cabin to support a girl's latest attempt to cold turkey her drug addiction, only to come into contact with dangerous spirits and a book made of flesh. Yet another attempt to remake a famous cult horror flick, EVIL DEAD does at least have two major features: practical effects and a lake-size amount of fake blood. I truly applaud the fine men and women who crafted all of the amazing makeup and prosthetics that is splashed on or torn off the actors. This was advertised as the "most terrifying" film this year when it should the "most macabre". However, this is certainly an old dinosaur; last year's CABIN IN THE WOODS has kindly killed off this form of horror, so it's hard to truly take the scenario seriously (doubly so considering it's a remake). Even if you forgo this thinking, you still have to sit through characters doing head-slapping, seriously stupid things, like leaving their car-keys out in the open or reading cryptic words out loud from a ghastly book, which are literally right next to a warning written in blood telling them not to do so. Worthy for a blood reel or to gross out your friends but not enough to warrant complete approval.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
Aftershock
Three dude-bros and three chicks try to survive the chaos of Chile after an earthquake has wrecked havoc, but not until after 34 minutes of awful character building that will make you wish for all of them to be crushed by rubble at the disaster's inception. Despite being helmed by Nicolas Lopez, the film has the complete stink and auteurship of its lead actor/producer/co-writer Eli Roth. Though it might try to think it's a darker HANGOVER, especially with the Zach Galifianakis-looking "Pollo", AFTERSHOCK is just another retread of Roth's HOSTEL: men looking to fornicate and party, they enter into a non-English-speaking area, unfortunate events happen, the expected kill order of the characters is deliberately jumbled, etc. Roth then decided to add some more flavoring to the mix, that being audience-eroding material like gang rape and aborted fetuses. All of the action sequences and plot twists are painfully easy to spot, even the ones where the outcomes are excruciatingly exploitative. I hated all of the stupid protagonists, including our so-called wet blanket hero, and loathed the film's harsh treatment of women. It's just a giant miserable trek with entitled scumbags and crass horror.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
The Host
Earth has been conquered in the spiritual sense; an invading alien force has implanted their virus-meets-jellyfish beings into the human bodies of nearly everyone on the planet. The newly turned Melanie Stryder (Saoirse Ronan) is specially able to bond with her alien soul, later dubbed "Wanderer", and they both try to run away and meet up with the last of the human survivors, including her apocalypse-spotting uncle (William Hurt) and her former lover (Max Irons). This is an interesting sci-fi concept but it's forever marked down thanks to the YA-appreciating efforts of author Stephenie Meyer. You can tell this movie is going to be very dumb like Meyer's other works when the very first scene has the all-human Melanie jump out of a window, fall five-to-seven flights straight to the ground and somehow is not dead nor has any internal or external injuries. Writer-director Andrew Niccol is clearly trying to work with the text while crafting some beautiful imagery but it is all for naught when the attention is more focused on hunky, mumbling guys and multiple love triangles. A potential subplot involving Melanie's alien antagonist (Diane Kruger) and her own internal struggles is sadly often pushed aside for more scenes featuring the aggravating voice-over by Ronan, yelling out "No! What're you doing? Stop it!" every time "Wanderer" has the alien hots for Jake Abel's character. Ronan is a talented actress but she is wasted here, belting out whines constantly and often forgetting that Melanie is supposedly from Louisiana. Even with all of the teenage melodrama, this a blank affair slowed down to match the speed of molasses. The only exciting element was when the characters frequent a grocery literally labelled "STORE", which supplies soda because it's healthy for alien-possessed humans(?). It's a bit tolerable at times but that doesn't excuse the sheer shallowness and decrepit product.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
Bullet to the Head
Sylvester Stallone's partner is murdered after they both finished up a hit for a mysterious benefactor. He teams up with D.C. detective Sung Kang, who was once partnered with Sly's target in the force, as they try to figure and snuff out the corruption plaguing New Orleans. Make no mistake, this is not a good movie, to the point of having little to no merits to talk about here. Jason Momoa, who plays the villains' head goon, is the only one willing to give a damn and relishes the attention in the well staged fire-axe duel at the finale. If you are in the mood for an old throwback to 90's action-sploitation or just like to see Stallone front-and-center again, you can give it a glance. Just don't expect anything worthwhile, which is sad to say considering Walter Hill (The Warriors, Hard Times, Extreme Prejudice) is sitting in the director's chair.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
The Sapphires
Based on a stage play and a true story, four Aboriginal women in 1968, one of whom is part of the Stolen Generation, decide to work with a Soul-influenced Irish manager (Chris O'Dowd) into securing a job to sing for American soldiers during the Vietnam War. Though it's predictable, THE SAPPHIRES often soars thanks to the musical talents of its ladies, particularly Australian pop star Jessica Mauboy as Julie, the youngest and the disputed lead of the group. It also doesn't have the condescending tone of recent, popular racial films; O'Dowd often sits out of the drama once the group is assemblied, thus truly letting us hear the four's voices. Some of their stories aren't put together properly though: Cynthia (Miranda Tapsell)'s erratic behavior on tour is killed at its inception and the deep, cultural scorn between mama bear Gail (Deborah Mailman) and light-skin Kay (Shari Sebbens) is jumbled up towards its conclusion. Despite these misgivings, it's a nice blast of Australian humor and beautiful music. Probably the best feel good movie from Australia since THE ADVENTURES OF PRISCILLA, QUEEN OF THE DESERT.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
The Big Wedding
The biological mother of an adopted son is somehow unable to accept the 21st century and changed social morals, so he and his family must try to hide a divorce, his father's long-time girlfriend, and any other evidence from the unexpected visitor, all before his big wedding day. This is a sex farce where the sex is distressing (wanna see Robert De Niro perform cunnilingus?) and there are no laughs at all. Well, the latter may not be true because I had a brief one when I saw Katherine Heigl's always mentioned, separated husband turn out to be some poor slob. Really, there's nothing but exasperating stupidity to behold, where the foul-mouthed carpet doesn't match up the drapes of a Hallmark feature. You pretty much have to hate everyone here, whether it's their rich status, their hypocritical natures, or their willingness to shtup without thinking about anyone else's feelings. Given the people in the cast and their checkered careers, you would think everyone would be awful. The only ones for myself that greatly failed were Diane Keaton, once again refusing to act beyond her stiff facials and body, and Ben Barnes as the annoying, smartass groom. Surprisingly, De Niro seemingly tries to put some effort as the dad everyone mocks or punches yet still come back to for his advice and love. After seeing this, you'll be unable to have it annulled from your memory or your mental anguish.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
Emperor
You would think this is about the post-WWII efforts of a group of Allied Forces, headed by General Douglas MacArthur (Tommy Lee Jones), as they investigate whether or not Emperor Hirohito had any involvement in Japan's war operations. It is that for awhile but the majority is instead devoted to Brigadier General Bonner Fellers' (Matthew Fox) search for his fictitious past love. This storyline is somber, in the sense of how trite it is and how it nullifies any effort done by Fox. Jones, on the other hand, is largely in a cameo role, often just declaring the cliche lines of a police captain. He has less flavor and charisma than his General character in CAPTAIN AMERICA. Suitable to keep grandpa busy from re-watching Band of Brothers for the umpteen time. Also, be ready to hear the term "war crimes" over and over again, so keep your shot glasses handy.
FINAL REVIEW: 2 / 5
Mud
Two boys head to a small island to retrieve a deserted boat from a tree, only to find a mysterious stranger residing there. The man calls himself Mud and asks them to help him reunite with his lost love, while also spotting and steering clear of the police and the men looking for his whereabouts. The latest from Jeff Nichols (TAKE SHELTER), MUD is another closeup look at a Southern area being deprived of both its cultural identity and its remaining economic hold. The main kid Ellis wishes to help someone less fortunate than even himself, since he's powerless to prevent his parents' divorce, the elimination of his father's job as a river fisherman, and his future as a "townie". Tye Sheridan, who plays Ellis, is an engaging figure and plays well off of both star Matthew McConaughey and father Ray McKinnon, who are also pretty good. The major problem with the film is its shallow moral about women, that they always be playing with a man's emotions. I know Nichols doesn't truly believe this, since he crafted a credible character with Jessica Chastain in SHELTER and with Sarah Paulson here, but it's distressing that this was included solely so Ellis can suffer the same plight as Mud. This parallel structure does lead to a few memorable scenes, especially one at a biker bar, but it feels so forced, predictable, and ultimately juvenile to accept. Despite this unnatural melancholy, the film is an appealing yarn to warm up to.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
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