DARK SHADOWS is Tim Burton at his absolute lowest point in his professional career. Never have I seen the man do something this bad before. You might severely point at his version of PLANET OF THE APES but I refuse to comply with that. At least that film, whether you tolerated it or loathed it, had a main conflict, characters to side with, and talented people working on all aspects of the art direction. DARK SHADOWS is just Burton on complete auto-pilot, producing a turgid, boring affair where the dreariness of everything in frame turns to appalling garbage. If he wanted to prove his detractors correct that he's been making the same film to diminishing results, he at least did a fine job at that.
Despite being based on a cult favorite soap opera, there is a distinct lack of anything soapy, only tons of dull emotions and slow storytelling. The film follows Barnabas Collins, yet again a headlining Johnny Depp, starting at his childhood to pleasure-seeking businessman days ruling over his family-made fishing town Collinsport in the late 1700's. Spurning his housemaid/lover turned witch for some plain jane, he both loses his future wife, when her face meets a cliff rock, and his own soul, as he is turned into an immortal vampire by the "evil" Angelique. He is forced into a buried coffin by a big unruly mob and later wakes up in 1972. Barnabas returns to his now-decaying family mansion and somber descendants to reverse their fortune, all the while encountering a still-living and very rich Angelique.
I've already been stomping hard on Burton in this review, with plenty of energy for another round of insults, but the worst offender of the entire picture is the script by Seth Grahame-Smith. A man who has written "humorous" re-takes of classical novels and famous figures, Grahame-Smith has no idea how to craft a protagonist. Barnabas richly deserves his own punishment for being a bourgeoisie pig when he is not a serial killer. Back in his original life, he indulged in the pleasures of sex with Angelique but wouldn't utter the word love to her because she is a servant, not a beautiful woman of high society. Once he breaks free and lives in his vampire state, he kills a ton of innocent people, all of whom are the working class or hippies that help him in the art of courting. We are to accept and believe his so-called remorsefulness, since he says "sorry" to them before munching on them and labels it as an unbearable "curse". If he feels so bad in killing, why couldn't he steal blood bags from a hospital or kill forest animals?
Angelique is the film's true hero, played expertly by Eva Green as the film's only saving grace. While Barnabas uses and abuse women, Angelique is the one who wants to smite the blight the Collins brought to the town yet still retaining her feelings for Barnabas. She makes concessions to him several times, willing to forgive and forget if he can match his immense lust for her with true love. So, of course the reincarnation of Barnabas's fiancee has to come to town, rekindling Barnabas' heart despite the absolute lack of any chemistry with her, before or after when her body went thud. Why is she the villain? Because she dares to have sexual feelings and express them freely?
Grahame-Smith also displays his lack of anything able to labeled as "funny". All, I mean every single one of the jokes are nothing more than pokes at 1970's pop-culture. In a trailer, they can work and deliver a chuckle; In the actual film, they are absolute nil. Outside of these non-humorous quips, there is nothing to suggest and identify this film either as a comedy or as a drama. Burton blocks all of the scenes in a super-serious theatrical manner, combined with a sluggish rhythm that injects a lethal dose to the patience of every viewer. This is best shown in a scene that consists of Barnabas describing at extremely long length the construction of the rooms in the mansion. This is cinema, Mr. Burton, not HGTV.
Despite featuring a large talented cast, Depp is always front and center, delivering non-punchlines in a manner fitting a Sam Beckett play. Michelle Pfeiffer gets some needed material but is often forced to be stoic and dressing for the background. The rest of the cast are all shockingly emaciated victims and completely wasted, except for reborn fiancee Bella Heathcoate and Burton-boy surrogate Gulliver McGrath who should both be better at selling soup. Helena Bonham Carter does receive a bit love from her husband/director before being unfairly removed from the proceedings. Chloe Grace Moretz has to scowl throughout, shoe-in an Alice Cooper cameo, all before experiencing a bewildering twist during the gonzo action finale. Those actors at least get some crumbs compared to Johnny Lee Miller, who really didn't need to be in the film at all.
Thank goodness for Eva Green. Hail to the queen of campy acting when she is not unbelievably sexy and dangerous. Without Green's great stylish approach to this film that would have made Joan Crawford blush if she were still alive, this bore-fest would have been six feet under very fast. If DARK SHADOWS was literally darker, meaning that the sex and violence were amplified to the degree of Burton's own SWEENEY TODD, this might have been the broad farce it wants to be, instead of the stiff zombie it truly is.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
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