There is no pie fight at all in THE THREE STOOGES. Not one mention of a pie, not even a little bait and switch to the audience. For heaven's sake, the climax takes place at a fancy birthday party for the rich and wealthy. There's even a snooty, portly woman with a hoity-toity voice, name dropping "Aspen" when she isn't saying "My word!" and walking away from the undesirables of the gathering. Instead, and I'm not making this up at all, we get a pompous French chef wheeling out a giant birthday cake, simply in order for someone to later splat on it for minimum damage beyond the victim's attire. For this inexcusable offense and omission, absolute failure is not an option for the film to become, it is the law and fact.
To be honest, besides my misgivings of skipping over one of the major running gags the original three regularly did in their film shorts, THE THREE STOOGES was not a film that I walked away completely angry at, though I was very much confused. It will not make my worst of the year list, but it still isn't just a lite slap to the face. The movie doesn't have any charm to make up for its major problems, nor can it forgive itself for being yet another horrible creation from the Farrelly Brothers.
The film is strangely broken into three acts/episodes, so as to be an insider joke to hardcore fans, but it is all just very frivolous, especially since the plot is about as subtle as a chainsaw to the face. It starts with the origin of the Stooges, three devilish little babies left at an orphanage run by nuns. They grow up at the place, barely getting a chance to be picked by a set of parents, and try to do maintenance work when they are not destroying the house themselves. Brian Doyle Murray comes into the picture as a Monsignor, who threatens to close down the orphanage in 30 days, unless they can get a little over 800,000 dollars in the allotted time. So, the Stooges are off to the big city to get the money, whether through lame-brain schemes or a special job from a hot temptress played by Sophia Vergara. The job she's requesting? Assisted suicide. Rated PG by the MPAA.
Granted, Vergara actually wants them to kill off her rich husband, who we learn later "coincidentally" knows the Stooges, and stupidly has her lover briefly pose as him to give his consent in front of them to the scheme. This is one giant double-edge sword, people. First off, this whole thing is really dark and disturbing to pull off with the Stooges, but not for a so called kids entertainment film. Seeing Curly push the idiot boyfriend in front of a on-coming bus and Moe putting a pillow over his face in a hospital scene while laughing his head off is all just wrong. I don't object to all of the constant eye-pokes, nose twists, and other antics, since obviously that's the whole famous act of the Stooges. But having them seriously murdering someone in a very modern setting? Really, Peter and Bobby Farrelly?
Other than the unfortunate black comedy, the rest of the gags are really eye-rolling at best. The normal hits, body blows, and "nuk-nuks" I can take, but having them featured heavily in nearly every scene hurts their overall effectiveness. Then, there's is the really dated material, such as the Stooges' very bad handle at spelling that would have worked in the olden days, but not past that era. Of course, there's also the potty humor, such as the extended baby pee fighting scene, which is crass in itself but way too fake and artificial to accept as being funny. As for the presence of and jokes featuring the Jersey Shore crew? Yeah, they are very stupid and reek of desperation from the Farrelly Brothers. I refuse to go the Razzie route and nominate any of those inhumanoids for worst-of awards later down the line, but it needs to be addressed that Snooki is one awful, awful actress.
There is no saving grace to the film, but at least the three main actors do their jobs as the Stooges. Chris Diamantopoulos, Sean Hayes, and Will Sasso are really committed to the roles, with Sasso probably doing the best of the three. They still can't entirely shake off the whole TV quality of the film, from their own last-minute casting, to the presences of Vergara, Jane Lynch, and even Stephen Collins as a delightfully slimy lawyer. The worst performance, beyond the Jersey Shore meatbags and the sugary but flat kid actors, has to go to Larry David, playing a never believable disgruntled nun who screeches out every line when he isn't getting a hit to the head. As for the direction? It looks and feels just like every Farrelly Brothers movie: Everything is bleached out and over-bright and everyone is vanilla and white. I'm not trying to attack the two for being racist or anything, even considering the casting of Jennifer Hudson and Isaiah Mustafa in minor roles. However, there is a truly painful "comedic" moment where an unfortunate African-American actor is given the HOLLYWOOD SHUFFLE treatment and has to play a black thug, who's pants are very low much to the chagrin of the Stooges and threaten to "cap" them for touching him.
The only thing I'll be walking away from with THE THREE STOOGES is this being another recent example of the failures of the MPAA. Not just the subject material of the main conflict being in a PG rated film, but for some of the other gags. For reference, last year's Oscar winner THE ARTIST received a PG-13 rating, mainly for featuring a extremely brief shot of the middle finger and a gun being pointed at a certain spot on the head. This film features all of the above, plus a scene where a man knowingly holds a gun straight to his brain for several seconds. There's also the joke where the Stooges horseplay with a loaded gun that's pointed at a little girl off camera and is fired off but I think that's enough evidence to prevent you from seeing this movie. So, how did the film get away with all of this, you may ask? Because the talentless directors inserted a film-breaking PSA coda where their handsome surrogates inform the kids in the audience to not try this stuff at home. Trying to be wiseguys, eh?
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
No comments:
Post a Comment