- Mutt
After the giant missteps with He-Man, we now hit upon another big toy franchise of the 1980's with a systematic destruction of it. Out of all the toys I had as kid - including He-Man, TMNT, and the Ghostbusters - I always loved G.I. Joe the most. I was one of those that had to have at least one figure from every new line and also sadly throw away the cheap plastic weapons so the war of terror had to be fought with karate chops and extensive wrestling. I had a lot of the vehicles including the great A.P.C., a.k.a the Action Figure Storage Truck. So, of course, I treasured the original Sunbow animated series and I still do today. Though, episodes like "Cobra Claws Are Coming to Town" make me feel like I'm watching the D.I.C. version instead.
I've labelled "Cobra Claws Are Coming to Town" before as the worst episode of the series, which is very unfair since there were far worse episodes in the second season. It has, what I feel, Cobra's greatest plan devised but the massive and numerous plot holes combined with stupid characterization are simply shocking to behold. The episode also has mixed feelings on its tone; Normally, a G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero episode script follows one of two separate paths. It either is a goofy action-comedy ("The Gamesmaster" and "Cold Slither") or a serious action-drama ("The Traitor" and "Worlds Without End"). There are some hybrids, but "Cobra Claws" takes it to such an extreme, trying to have a serious terrorist attack and an annoying giant parrot somehow work together.
The episode starts with Shipwreck, Cover Girl, and Dusty guarding the most prestigious military vehicle, the Happy Holiday Wagon. A grinch-like Cobra Rattler distracts them from seeing, and somehow not hearing, Firefly coming out of a hidden door in a rock (?) and dropping off some toys. Who knew master saboteurs were very charitable? Anyway, they meet back up with the Joes at the command center, where only Duke, Shipwreck and a bunch of C-listers are the only ones on staff. The Joes have their faith being placed on a new laser defense security system, that of course is knocked offline when a shrunken Cobra army pops out of the toys (??). Firefly returns to enlarge them with the special sci-fi MacGuffin gun and they take over the base. Cobra Commander gloats over the losers, and Shipwreck, and enacts his great new plan.
Now, I really do mean it when I think this is the best plan Cobra has come up with, which makes this episode much more disappointing for me. After infiltrating when the defenses are lowered, through a very stupid manner, Cobra Commander and his army head to the nearest city, Keystone City, in the Joe's vehicles and commit a hostile siege. He has Zartan disguise himself as Duke to deliver a baiting video message to the U.S. government, and then they slither away for the Joes to be arrested. What makes this plan great is that instead of following the usual "superhero" version of disguise, where someone takes the appearance and acts evil in person, the terrorist organization relies on technology. There is no real human face being shown, only the sight of attacking tanks and planes and televised threats. It creates both a physical and emotional destruction; Even after the smoke and rubble is clear, many of the helpless civilians will probably never trust G.I. Joe again. Of course, this was written in the 80's, so everything is just okay, back to normal in the end and no one questions this again.
While you get an entertainingly evil strategy, you have to sit through a lot of bad and lazy writing with Christmas shoe-horned in. The entire toy-for-tots plotline is never brought up again. It may not be important but it is oddly funny that they wasted precious base space for undelivered toys. Maybe Blowtorch, who practically has a breakdown over a rocking horse, can enjoy them for himself. Then there is the travesty that is their B-plot: Mutt tells his dog buddy Junkyard about his holiday depression. When this is brought back up literally at the end, Mutt shrugs it off like its nothing and happily says "Merry Christmas". Apparently, war and blowing up your own government-sponsored equipment can solve your whining. There are some other goofy written moments that are perplexing, such as the disappearance of Firefly, how the Cobra robots become indestructible/easy to kill, how Cover Girl is obviously supposed to be Scarlett, and Wild Bill's loop-de-loop in a open-air Cobra helicopter without wearing a seatbelt.
Even Cobra and their plan is messed up by the hands of the four writers. For no reason, Cobra decided to shrink and bring their vehicles with them for the attack. The reason, of course, is for the Joes to later drive them and blow up their own vehicles in a battle. Also, during the Joe's lock-up in a cooler, Cobra Commander suddenly decides to put the key to their handcuffs in with them. The Commander becomes further stupid when he brings a handcuffed Duke with him in a jet and decides not to restrain him more. As for the MacGuffin shrinking gun, childishly dubbed by Destro as "The Molecular Reducer-Enlarger", it serves absolutely no purpose beyond the initial dumb use. The gun shows up again only for a really ridiculous fight, where the Joes defeat Destro with a mighty pile-on, and for a "hilarious" joke where Shipwreck's annoying parrot grows large and saves the day.
I've attacked this episode a lot, especially since it deserves it, but I will admit that I do enjoy it in a "so bad it's good" way. This episode has been a part of my Christmas tradition and I don't hate it as much as I originally did. Still, it really doesn't say anything about Christmas other than that you should make sure there isn't little people in your new toys. Now you know.
TOMORROW'S ENTRY: A different kind of fever infects an animated world pathetically translated from a then odd source. Wakka, Wakka, Wakka, Wakka.
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