- Voldar
"It's a Christian holiday ruined by commercialism?"
- Joel
Every year, I like to devote a special time around the Christmas holiday to a man and his puppets. They have always brought great joy to me, my family, and several friends. Sadly, it is not Jim Henson and the Muppets, a franchise that let me down when I was growing up. It might have been the death of Jim, the constant misdirection of his son, or the mediocre television shows and films. Watching The Muppet Christmas Carol doesn't bring me holiday cheer but immense depression.
However, as I was growing up, a new set of puppets took over for the Muppets and became my new source of entertainment. These puppets were very smart, pop-culture savvy, and had cynical voices. They were the robotic sons and daughters or the best friends of two humans named Joel and Mike respectively. As a group of friends or family, they were the test subjects of many horrendous films by a mad scientist and his assistant. The television show was called Mystery Science Theater 3000, and it was glorious.
The season three episode, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", is a holiday favorite of mine and also very important to my opinion of the show. Before watching this later on a DVD, I had often dismissed Joel as the host because of his "lame" droll humor and mannerisms. Once I viewed this episode, I changed my stance and embraced both Joel and his style and direction of the show. The episode also made me enjoy the host segments and skits more, something which I skipped often during the Mike era.
As stated, Joel and his robot pals were forced to view the Christmas anti-classic Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. This film is a real treat for camp and cult fans; The King of Mars, not-cleverly named Kimar, and a group of minions head to Earth to capture Santa Claus. They want him to bring joy and cheer to their distracted children, who have been watching the "Earth programs" too much. They kidnap him and two annoying little children ("What's Vietnam?") before being able to face off against Earth's army forces and their plethora of stock footage ("And now, for your enjoyment, some suggestive scenes of jets refueling"). Despite their stance to rule him with a iron fist, the Martians embrace the whimsy nature of Santa. However, a proud Martian warrior named Voldar wants the old ways of Martian life to return and is willing to kill Santa.
The film is really really bad yet great fun to watch with or without Joel and the Bots. Except for an annoying Martian named Dropo, everyone takes the material very serious ("Don't EVER step on my lines!"). Of course, the goofy costuming and the really obvious sound stage backgrounds takes all seriousness out back and shoots it. The plot is nonsensical; Santa never conquers the Martians unless you count it as psychological warfare. The story is riddled with dumb action scenes, such as when a man obviously in a polar bear suit ("It's Santa Bear!") terrorizes the two kids before a giant badly made robot can destroy them ("You were adopted"). And then, there is the finale fight ("Not since the orgy scene in Calig...ula?!") that is truly a mess of editing and direction. Still, the anti-television propaganda is a bit interesting given the time of the film and the title and ending song is a vicious earworm with lyrical errors ("You spell it S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S, Hooray for Santy Claus!").
As evident in my inclusion of quotes, Joel and the Bots, who are seen sitting in shadowed theater seats, tear the film apart with many jokes and observations. They seem especially happy to rip on one of the child actors who would become infamous later on, Pia Zadora ("Will you buy me a Golden Globe?"). If you don't know who Zadora is, then you get to experience one of the best parts of MST3K. Each episode is riddled with many quips that aim high over the heads of many viewers and it can cause you to be interested in solving these jokes. Other than Zadora, you receive mentions of BF Skinner, Alive, Truman Capote, the Tardis, Ice Station Zebra, Coco the Clown, and the news stories that surrounded the original Battlestar Galactica. Not every joke has to be intellectually driven, as there are some great moments where the film speaks for itself. My favorite is the awkward introduction of Santa to the Martian children, as they very slowly start to laugh ("Dad!.....DAD!!!").
Other than the film ribbing, the viewer can also enjoy the skits that break up the episode. The introduction of the episode has Joel asking the robots what they want for Christmas, with Crow saying one of the show's most famous lines ("I want to decide who lives and who dies!"). Then there's the patented Invention Exchange, where Joel and his boss Dr. Forrester, well, exchange new inventions. Forrester has created the Wish Squisher, where cool gifts are turned into crap such as a raisin collection or a gift certificate to a stationary store. I always liked this invention idea, though the skit's direction and cinematography ruin it by easily showing them flip the boxes to bad gifts. Joel and the Bots, the misfits that they are, create the new and proper residents of the Island of the Misfit Toys, such as an Easy-Bake Foundry or Patrick Swayze's Roadhouse board game. The later gift, and several jokes during the film, leads to one of the most famous songs of the show, "Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas", which is both funny while retaining some great sentimentality. The next segment has Joel handing out some popular and not-so-popular Christmas specials like A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Christmas That Really Kicked Ass. After a somewhat forgettable skit with Christmas essays, the episode ends with everyone on the show opening their stockings and exchanging presents.
Though they have plenty of Christmas just with the featured film, the episode features an unique view on the holiday season. One minute, they might mock (praise?) the different celebrations of Christmas by celebrating the Patrick Swayze version. The next, they enjoy a special family gathering where a Christmas display in revealed in the unlikest of places. The show also has some nice little holiday touches, such as Tom Servo's snowglobe head. Overall, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" is a favorite of mine and one of the few shows that can bring true cyncism and love of the holiday.
TOMORROW'S ENTRY: We head back to the Satellite of Love with another film, this one taking a strange and surreal turn.
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