- Santa Claus
Either look at the title or this quote. Have a chance to take it in fully and breathe. What follows is an overview of an even worst movie than Magic Christmas Tree. I speared and gutted that film but at least I had some fun thanks to my giant silo of cynical energy. But Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is an atomic bomb, a cerebral poison to a viewer's brain. It is the deadly hybrid of Waiting For Godot and Manos, the Hands of Fate. This is the nadir of horrible children's films and certainly the truly worst Christmas film ever made.
The film starts in an utterly depressing toy factory that even Ingmar Bergman would say it's too harsh. Santa's elves, disturbing played by children including that hellspawn girl from Impulse, sing a unbearable "cheery" work song when one notices, in bad stock footage integration, that the reindeers are back without Santa. Instead of issuing the military or having Santa's best pal Merlin to help him, they just go back to work and never appear again.
Meanwhile in Florida, Santa and his sleigh are stuck near the ocean. He could just get up and head into town but no, he just complains about the sun often and verbally states every action he thinks and does. After a terrible song, Santa uses his deep sleeping telekinesis to get a group of kids, a dog, and even Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn (!). We are then treated to a montage/comedy trainwreck as clearly horrified real animals are pushed and hit into being the new reindeers. After everything fails, the kids get the Ice Cream Bunny (?) and his signature fire truck (??) to practically make out with Santa and drive him away. The End. Oh, and Tom and Huck just leave the viewer with their gaping mouths.
One hour and forty minutes. This abomination lasts that long. There's so much repetitive scenes and padding; One scene consists nothing but two minutes of extensive dog petting. The director's vision seems to be shoot one take and pray for the best. During the long, long introduction of the Ice Cream Bunny, the blind performer constantly jerks the truck and heads off into the grass. In one infamous edit, the dog runs next to the truck, stops in front of it to drink from a puddle which creates a scary near miss, only to jump cut with the dog leaping on to the vehicle. The entire audio was done in post-production, complete with wooden delivery and increasingly annoying songs done on kazoos. If you even think about insulting the "script" and the plot holes like why Santa doesn't just leave, the director gives you a hidden middle finger: a shot of a standing Santa with a large sweat stand on his butt.
I now have to go over the costumes of the two main characters. Santa Claus' outfit is serviceable but the beard is a Merlin-style long pillar. And, in another infamous moment, Santa breaks any still living suspension of disbelief by taking off the jacket and showing the viewer his normal red t-shirt and his grody middle-ageness. As for the Ice Cream Bunny suit, it is an utter travesty: The cheek bones are slanted, the creature has a permanent blowing mouth, every stitch and separation is clearly seen, the feet are misshapen and appear to be broken when "it" jumps and dances, and it can sexily wink and get it stuck.
Now, I was lying before. You see, this film doesn't fill the entire running time because there is another film in this film (!). Shoehorned oddly and badly in, a tortuous adaptation of Thumbellina takes up the middle section, further infuriating the suffering viewers who can't wait for the Ice Cream Bunny. I'm not going to go in detail about it since it has nothing to do with Christmas and just thinking about it recalls a deep traumatic time for me. I will state this though; This movie, complete with opening and closing credits (?), is about a girl in an amusement park promotional movie who attends and listens to a Thumbellina showcase which cuts in with the film adaptation. That's right, it's a movie within an educational tour within a movie within a movie.
There's nothing more to say. This is wasted celluloid.
TOMORROW'S ENTRY: OVER THE LINE! Who's up for bowling?
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