It is that time once again, where Hollywood dumps its uncertain and/or bad offerings to a desperate public that's seeking a reason to leave their cold houses and see anything new. This despair lasts for two months before the glorious time of March brings forth a slew of big time releases. Finally, this period ends in April, with an appetizing taste of what's to come during the summer.
Let's check out and go thoroughly through all of the offerings coming out in the first four months of 2013.
January 4 only has one new major release, outside of the expansions of Oscar favorites: the horribly titled Texas Chainsaw 3D. This reboot/sequel(?) has already received a collective yawn online, especially from its boring, flicking trailer. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise is no longer a glorious horror stable, thanks to bad sequels and the terrible cash-ins by Platinum Dunes. The only thing interesting so far is that rapper Trey Songz is in it and he still abhors wearing shirts. There's also some thriller called A Dark Truth, that looks to be like all films starring Andy Garcia: forgotten and ample landfill for bargain bins.
January 11 will finally bring Gangster Squad to theaters. Despite suffering from media-created controversy, an altered final cut and a pushed release date, trailers and posters for the star-studded crime film continue to be placed everywhere. Will it be worth all of its extended wait? The other big release, A Haunted House, is certainly destined to fill "worst of" lists. Marlon Wayans seemingly wanted to lose the cred he acquired back in 2009 from the first G.I. Joe film, in order to help make a "hilarious" parody of found footage horror films, most especially the Paranormal Activity series and The Devil Inside. Most likely, the unintentional hilarity of those films will be funnier than this film. In limited circles: Dustin Hoffman sits in the director's chair for Quartet, a film specifically designed to please old fogies, about a group of old fogies singing opera, with Maggie Smith front and center; Chris Colfer tries to break from his Glee trappings, starring in Struck by Lightning, which he also wrote; $ellebrity, a doc that shockingly informs viewers that the paparazzi are bad(!!!); and Storage 24, a British monster flick set in a warehouse.
January 18 will feature the return of Arnold Schwarzenegger, lead film star, in The Last Stand. The High Noon inspired film is very inconclusive to judge for myself; It's directed by Kim Ji-woon (I Saw the Devil, #8 on my Best of 2011 List) and could be an okay feature. However, the rampant presence and push of Johnny Knoxville, which was so bad that he was removed in the international posters, ruins my taste. Also, if this fails, Schwarzenegger will get to sit with Tom Cruise and Adam Sandler at the wash-up table. Broken City frankly looks very vanilla; yet another crime drama featuring Mark Wahlberg. Only noteworthy now for being directed by a single Hughes Brother (Allen). Getting major Oscar buzz and the expected Best Actress winner for her work in Zero Dark Thirty, Jessica Chastain is looking to be the next Natalie Portman, as the horror film Mama is being released to coincide with her raised profile. It may have Guillermo del Toro as an executive producer/"presenter" and Chastain in odd yet interesting black punk attire but the "feral girls are haunted by ghost mom" film looks like a throwaway.
January 25 has Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. It looks like good drive-in fare or a nice rental from its trailer but it may not get a crowd, as evident by the box office failure of the similar sounding Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter last summer. Parker is another action vehicle for Jason Statham, this time teaming up with Jennifer Lopez, in order to rob from some robbers that betrayed him. Pass. The comedy anthology flick Movie 43 is more up my aisle, with its humongous cast listing and risque sexual humor. The next release has a spoiler in its title: John Dies at the End. An adaptation of a book written by an editor of Cracked.com, the film has already premiered on VOD, where it will obviously do the best business.
February 1 has the most interesting of the many horror-comedies released this season, Warm Bodies. It is also a book adaptation, though the premise of a zombie falling in love recalls Disney's cult film My Boyfriend's Back. Judging from the first 4 minutes of the film, it will be witty and a delight. The much-delayed Walter Hill film Bullet to the Head finally will be seen by American eyes. I like Hill and I'm one of the few action junkies that do not mind a new Sly Stallone caper but I wouldn't pay to see this just yet. Stand Up Guys has Alan Arkin, Al Pacino, and the Walken as reuniting con men. Outside of Walken, a probable snore-fest.
February 8 has Identity Thief, the follow-up feature of Horrible Bosses' Seth Gordon. Looks funny, especially with the gamey Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy as the victim and thief respectively. However, I'm looking forward to Side Effects. The psychological thriller involving prescription medicine and mental anguish is the third consecutive team-up of newly mega-star Channing Tatum and director Steven Soderbergh. Or, you could waste your money on Top Gun 3D. Now you can enjoy 80's nostalgia and homoerotic volleyball action right in your face.
February 13 and 14 will feature the major releases, instead of the 15th, in order to play the field for romantic dates, teen girls, manly boys, and desperate families. Beautiful Creatures is the sole new film on the 13th. The Southern Gothic meets Twilight tale looks laughably dumb; despite being based on a popular book series, it will probably suffer the same fate of the other Twilight copycats. Coming out on Valentine's Day, the weekend winner will be Safe Haven, the next boring adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks book. Lasse Hallström may be a safe bet (he did Sparks' Dear John) but Josh Duhamel and Julianne Hough are not proven stars. They are charming actors, though. However, the biggest warning sign of the sheer laziness is that the film's poster is a complete copy of last year's The Lucky One. Appealing to action fans is the fifth entry in the Die Hard franchise, A Good Day to Die Hard. It's pulling an Indiana Jones 4, placing John McClane's son as his partner in Russia. That tactic didn't work for Indy and it may not work wonders with McClane. If its PG-13, then you should definitely wait for the unrated version. There's also Escape from Planet Earth, yet another obnoxious animated feature from the Weinsteins.
February 22 is a skip weekend. The trailer for Dark Skies certainly will keep myself away from theaters. It definitely recalls last year's hilarious, non-horror The Possession. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has his first of three big films with Snitch, an undercover action flick featuring a healthy supporting cast, including Michael K. Williams and The Walking Dead's Jon Bernthal. Sadly for them, it doesn't look worthwhile at all.
March 1 will feature Jack the Giant Slayer, another Hollywood film delayed constantly and suffered a name change ("Killer" was replaced with "Slayer" due to marketing fears). Honestly, I rather watch the original 1962 film, or the Riffrax treatment of that. Stanley Tucci is camping it up in the trailer and I do want to cheer on Nicholas Hoult but this might be the next downfall for director Bryan Singer. Then, there's the strange sequel The Last Exorcism: Part II. The first one was a sleeper hit with critics and audiences but its controversial ending annoyed all. Considering that Lionsgate gave it up to CBS Films doesn't bode well. 21 and Over looks to be a sequel to the abominable Project X: both star the charming Miles Teller and young male debauchery is the name of the game. Dear lord, no.
March 8 will premiere the highly anticipated Oz: The Great and Powerful. The Disney-approved prequel to The Wizard of Oz is the first of many Oz films in development throughout Hollywood and will be the litmus test (Wicked, anyone?). I'm actually looking mighty forward to it but will definitely skip the 3D version; that process will ruin all of the colors and the production design. The comedy film Admission is banking on the pairing of Tina Fey and Paul Rudd, along with the allure of Judd Apatow comparisons. However, it so far doesn't look entertaining and it is being helmed by Paul Weitz, who has a long list of causalities to his name. I'm more piqued by Dead Man Down, a woman's revenge crime thriller that reunites Noomi Rapace with her Dragon Tattoo director Niels Arden Oplev.
March 15 features the remake of Carrie. The teaser poster is great, Chloe Grace Moretz is in the titled role, and Kimberly Pierce is in the director's chair. So far, so good. However, the Carrie name still hasn't gone past the 1976 classic, producing an infamous Broadway musical (yes, it really happen), a cult but misguided sequel, and a blink-and-miss TV movie. Despite these fears, I say it's worth a shot. On the lighter side is The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, a comedy about competing magicians, Steve Carell as the titled character and Jim Carrey as an oldish Chris Angel. Meh.
March 22's biggest release is The Croods, the latest from Dreamworks Animation. Jury's still out on it; I frankly do not like the character designs nor the caveman family story on its surface but Dreamworks had a nice turnaround last year with better than expected films. Oddly, the script was co-written by John Cleese. Olympus Has Fallen looks more interesting, despite the presence of Gerald Butler. I like the guy but he needs to find a better agent or better scripts. Anyway, the White House siege plot brings back good memories of the cheesy and entertaining Air Force One, so hopefully this will be more of the same.
March 29 will be a big firefight for money. Continuing the exhausting trend of the season of delays, G.I. Joe: Retaliation is finally out, now with more Channing Tatum action. I have already talked a lot about it, so let's move on. The Host will draw in the teen girl demos, spurred by the popular(?) sci-fi book by Twilight's Stephenie Meyer. Since her moneymaker is now finished and the crowd has moved on to anticipating the rest of The Hunger Games films, I don't think this will get a large gross, though definitely a second place finish. The Place Beyond the Pines comes from Blue Valentine's Derek Cianfrance, working again with Ryan Gosling. Despite the always intriguing acting style by Gosling, early reviews have been mixed and many have compared the crime drama to Drive, since both have Gosling playing a criminal driver with emotional problems. It could be worse, like Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor. Perry has been suffering from bad times and bad notices lately, and having Kim Kardashian in this film's cast won't help matters.
April 5 brings forth The Heat. Having Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy as mix-and-match cop partners is a good thing, having Paul Feig (Bridesmaids) as the director is better. The only other major release is the 3D reissuing of Jurassic Park 3D. It could work but I still don't care.
April 12 features the remake of Evil Dead. No hopes for it being very good after seeing the ugly trailer for it, and especially with the obviously misleading tagline ("The Most Terrifying Film You Will Ever Experience"). Looking elsewhere is the true horror show, Scary Movie 5. The only thing going for it is the fact that Lindsay Lohan is in it, thus guaranteeing news stories. No one really cares about the series nowadays, so the only ones banking on seeing it are hate-watchers. 42 is not the sequel to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Instead, the unusual title is for a biopic of Jackie Robinson, the first African-American baseball player. Looks interesting but could fall by the wayside like other recent black sports films, namely The Express.
April 19 so far only features Oblivion. Really, Hollywood? No competition for it? Nothing in the trailer really stands out, not even Tom Cruise. Hell, they even reveal the major plot twist to create some kind of excitement.
April 26 is going to be a milestone, a day where people are excited for a new Michael Bay film. Based on a true story, Pain & Gain has Mark Wahlberg, Anthony Mackie and Dwayne Johnson as three 90's knucklehead bodybuilders who get rapped up in criminal activities. Bay's blue and yellow colorization returns but the outlandish buffoonery and deliberately dumb characters make it a possible guilty pleasure. There's also, ugh, The Big Wedding, which will feature Diane Keaton and Robert De Niro, check cashers, and not Keaton and De Niro, actors.
My Top Picks of Winter/Spring 2013
1. G.I. Joe: Retaliation
2. Oz: The Great and Powerful
3. Gangster Squad
4. Warm Bodies
5. Pain & Gain
6. Movie 43
7. Side Effects
8. Carrie
9. The Place Beyond the Pines
10. 42
Of course, there are some films not mentioned here or included because I frankly have a hard time determining their release time frame.
I hope your movie experiences will be as good as mine, but probably less cynical.
No comments:
Post a Comment