Worst Films of 2012

2012 was certainly a shocking year of changes and surprises. Several of the big male heavyweights of cinema (Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp, Adam Sandler) all suffered from major failures at the box office. Taylor Kitsch, a talented actor primed to be a new big thing in movies, had to sit and watch his three films, two of which cost a giant chunk of change, be stricken with disastrous decisions and bomb hard, giving him the unfortunate stigma of box office poison. A Republican-friendly documentary actually did well, despite negative critical notices, fooling the public view into thinking there will be a major shift come election day and in later films, only for those films to sink back down into the abyss they came from.


There were some unfortunate ones, though: Despite an exciting year of animation, most of the offerings performed way below expectations. The horror and romantic comedy genres were in a general state of malaise and tepid response, except for a few bright examples. However, all of the previous things couldn't compare to the universal derision and/or ongoing debate about the merits of two major works from the top auteurs of the field, Ridley Scott and Christopher Nolan. From all of this tumultuous time comes a group of the most despicable and heinous.


These are the films I have deemed the worst of 2012.


Now comes the usual disclaimer that sadly everyone forgets to remember: This list is of my own opinion, not the general public nor the Internet consensus. If I didn't see the film at all or in its entirety, than it isn't counted.



TOP TEN WORST FILMS

1. Last Ounce of Courage

One of the two awful right-wing propaganda films that won't convert viewers but just reassure the target audience that they correct in their beliefs and being white is truly "right". This film was far, far worse, however; Set in an unreal America, a white privileged grandpa encounters his "falling down" phase and tries to fight back on the so-called "War on Christmas" in his town. Woefully acted and directed, the film targets both the ACLU and black people, who are all shown to be absolutely evil or servants to others. What makes it the top pick is its distasteful ending, where a holiday school play celebrating aliens(?) is transformed into a nativity story before becoming a public screening of a snuff film, which is then given a slow clap. What an ungodly disgrace.

2. October Baby

You know what was missing from the Britney Spears-starring Crossroads? Abortions. A college girl stubbornly spends her spring break searching for her birth mother, who abandoned her after a failed abortion attempt. This purely Christian, anti-abortion movie is a slow, painful crawl, spending more time on its beautiful imagery than its pathetic performances or its excrement-soaked script. In case you didn't get its message bashed into your brains, or overhearing the pathetic folk songs that declare the "Life is beautiful!", the closing credits has interviews with the creators embedded in. Even if you are pro-life, you will turn this off quickly.

3. Darling Companion

If you told me years ago that writer-director Lawrence Kasdan's return to film, with a large, talented ensemble cast (Diane Keaton, Kevin Kline, Elizabeth Moss, Richard Jenkins, Dianne Wiest), would be in my worst films list, let alone the top three, I would've certified you insane and threw you in the paddy wagon. This extremely boring tale follows an extended family searching for a lost mutt in the woods, often following the visions of their gypsy housekeeper. This has Gerry-level pacing and tone, as the characters walk and walk some more, when not suffering from minor white people problems. The movie even has shockingly bad cinematography, most notably a long sequence in pitch-black night. Don't pick this dog up, just put it down and move on.

4. A Thousand Words

Locked up in distribution purgatory for several years, this Eddie Murphy family film fails like the rest of his work. Removing his most major talent (his voice), this unbearable sit wastes or ruins many fine actors, including the thankfully rarely appearing Allison Janney. Even more odd is the fact that it is PG-13; were the swear words and furry mentions really necessary?

5. That's My Boy

Pedophilia and incest sure are funny, especially in the hands of Adam Sandler. An expected top contender, the film notched lower due to its frank nature of being a liberation of Sandler's gross-out and explicit content. Thankfully, the public took notice of the smell and left it alone to die. It was never really funny outside of Vanilla Ice, who stole the show.

6. The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure

A history-making catastrophe, this fiasco scared away the kids either from its pitiful, lip-unsynched titled creatures or the idea of being interactive. The songs were horrendous and the cameos were absolutely random. Remember, if a wobbly cowboy comes up to you and screams out "DO YOU LIKE BUBBLES?!", run like hell.

7. Project X

It may have accomplished its task of being a dirty found footage film about a humongous party but it was never fun nor entertaining. Plagued heavily by an atrocious supporting character, sickening hatred of women, and a loathsome final message. I wished the riot police came sooner or the flame-throwing vet burned it all down.

8. The FP

I love video games and its humor but that doesn't give your terrible film a free pass from being railroaded. This comedy short turned feature film has obnoxious below Troma-level actors revel in their misogyny and bad taste before competing in unexciting DDR-ing. Certainly not worth pressing start.

9. ATM

A simple horror tale that becomes a pipe-bomb to the senses. Three yuppies are trapped in an ATM kiosk by a winter-coated killer. Why they parked 50 feet away from it is one of the many unexplained questions. The story becomes incredibly unstable, even before a headache-inducing ending that can only be accomplished and viewed as a sound plan through planets aligned-like coincidences with a little sheer luck on the side.

10. Dark Shadows

Poor Eva Green. Stuck in a gangrenous Tim Burton production. Featuring a truly unlikable lead character, a story filled with plot trips and pointless diversions, and a long running time of non-laughs, this remained dead and buried.



THE NEXT TEN

11. The Apparition

Spoiler poster! A ghostly demon escapes from another dimension in order to ruin a development house, pretty white people, and the local Costco. Not the Costco!

12. People Like Us

Rain Man with more whiny losers. I wished that the kid was in juvenile prison, I wished that Chris Pine was in jail, and I wish that Elizabeth Banks would finally fire her agent.

13. House at the End of the Street

This rip-off of Psycho, or its more likely copycat Homicidal, was the biggest blemish of the otherwise stellar year for Jennifer Lawrence.

14. Atlas Shrugged: Part II

What a surprise! The sequel to a terrible film last year also made it this year. The remodeled cast and added timely elements (Oh hai, Occupy movement!) were completely for naught.

15. The Devil Inside

A hen-picked favorite since its controversial ending and audience reaction videos made it online last January, this stupid found footage horror film at least can coast by from its many unintentional laughs.

16. Silent House

Elizabeth Olsen puts too much effort into this displeasing horror film, that utterly betrays the camera's viewpoint and relishes its exploitation.

17. Rock of Ages

Loud, dumb, and wasted, this musical adaptation removed much of the bite of the original Broadway show in order to show off the dull dancing skills of its actors and the eye-rolling covers of overplayed songs. Also, Diego Boneta.

18. Total Recall

A director's cut can't help this giant borefest. I cared more about the production design and the robot soldiers than I did for any of the characters and their dilemmas.

19. This Means War

Making a action-romantic-comedy out of CIA agents that abuse the Patriot Act and their work privileges was more creepy than funny.

20. The Campaign

Sliding in low at the polls, this Jay Roach film drew no laughs and was the laziest display of satire this year.



Next Up: The Best Films of 2012