You hear that? Do you hear that loud pounding, those big beats of attention? Listen to the rampant squealing and cries. That is the Broadway jukebox musical genre being buried alive, right after the final nail has been rammed into its coffin. All it took was ROCK OF AGES. Sure, I expect there might or will be the big great film for the genre later down in the pipeline, such as the still much-delayed adaptation of Jersey Boys, that will ultimately shut this detractor up. But the genre didn't help for MAMMA MIA!, and it certainly did it no favors for ROCK OF AGES.
This is a movie with no soul, no true existence. It just piles on cover after cover of every popular rock and roll song of the 1980's to distract you from noticing its lack of semblance and sanity. You spend over two hours watching an uncontrollable full-scale riot; The actors are fighting with the directors and the script, the music keeps attacking the senses, and Diego Boneta is constantly quarreling with his anti-charisma factor. Even if your body and mind forcibly pushes you to tap your foot or get a chill of excitement for a song, you will just immediately regret having it and wish you can forget your newly created bad memory.
Describing the plot is like talking about the world's worst deli sandwich: Each slice of storyline is ultra-thin with no taste, yet more and more slices are labored on to it. None of them have any urgency, nor any sense of true danger or concern. First, you have the newly L.A. bus-dropped Sherri Christian (Julianne Hough) and L.A. resident Drew (Diego Boneta). They are our protagonists, both waiters at a seedy joint called "The Bourbon Room" and want to be singers. Their shared dream and required romance is hardly noteworthy or interesting, especially since everyone in this damn film sings regardless of their aspirations. Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand's characters own and run the club respectively, receiving ample screen-time despite doing nothing of importance except for a later left-field producing cover song. Catherine Zeta-Jones wants to close down the place, cause this film needs a villain dammit, yet she often sits on the sidelines and only appears in five total scenes. Then, there is the cockamamie world of Stacee Jaxx, Tom Cruise's much hyped upon rock star character. He is trapped with Paul Giamatti, as his somewhat slimy/complete bumbling tool manager, and Malin Akerman, as a Rolling Stone reporter with a Bond Girl name, in a storyline that either is extremely slow moving or unbelievably laughable to take serious of.
I didn't even bring up Bryan Cranston or Mary G. Blige's roles but hopefully you got the point. This script produces more whys than it does thrills: Why should I care if "The Bourbon Room" should be demolished? Why is Zeta-Jones' motivation for it so lame and misguided, since she's specifically wants to go after a person instead of a thing? Why did Stacee Jaxx break up his band, Arsenal? Why should I want to see Cruise and Akerman get together in the end? Why do I have to boo and hiss Giamatti when he is never a threat, constantly humiliated and has accurate predictions in the changes of pop music? Why do I need to see Wolfgang Von Colt, Drew's alter ego, succeed in business despite the fact his actor is 100 percent miscast?
The biggest question, however, goes to the music. Instead of pulling a STREETS OF FIRE and calling this film "a rock and roll fable", director Adam Shankman had to place this story in 1987. So, of course there will be anachronistic songs, which it to be expected. But, and it is one huge but, this film includes one specific song. During one of the many ill-conceived mash-ups, the 1989 song "Heaven" by Warrant is integrated with Extreme's "More Than Words", a song that has always, always been tied with the 1990's. Also, there is the abundant mind-boggling uncertainties about the true ownership of songs within this convoluted world. Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me" is labeled as a Stacee Jaxx song, since the crowd sings along with him, but Leppard's "Bringin' On the Heartbreak" is heard later in the background in its original state. You may at least allow your suspension of disbelief to accept that, but it is a stretch to accept.
When it isn't struggling to make the songs work or make sense, ROCK OF AGES has problems with its overall tone. This is a film that needed to be rated R, if it really wanted to capture the true milieu of the late 80's Sunset Strip. It wasn't the fun-park displayed here, people. If you really want to see what it was like, and one of the "homages" of this film, look for DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION PART II: THE METAL YEARS. Tom Cruise certainly took notes from it, as he plays the only effective character in the entire film. When not entangled in a droopy non-courtship, Cruise plays Jaxx as a truly awful human being, a dinosaur waiting to be extinct. His hard drinking and women sleeping days are sure to end soon with his new solo career, and there is no music talent left in the empty vessel. Despite Cruise pulling off a sex-obsessed zombie, director Shankman refuses to show Jaxx in anything but a bright happy spotlight. See, it's funny when he sings right next to someone's panty-clothed rear end. He can't be a sleazoid, he is a true rock god for all time.
As for the rest of cast, there's nothing there. Since most of storylines do not really matter, the majority just phones in it. Giamatti tries to work with the material while Zeta-Jones has to contend with abysmal choreography. The main leads are a clear example of the opposite forms of talent. Julianne Hough had some promise in last year's FOOTLOOSE, and does fine here but she never really is given the chance to dance, which is Hough's strong talent. Her singing is okay and nothing more than that. Diego Boneta, on the other hand, is an absolute head-shaker. From the bland expressions to his Robert Z'Dar chin, he is a really appalling little puppy, forever knowing he is unable to rock.
ROCK OF AGES is a a straight-up confusing movie. This is a film that has a character become a stripper, yet places her in clothes straight out of XANADU. In fact, if the viewer wanted to see bad 80's-tastic entertainment, why don't they just stay home and watch XANADU? or THE APPLE? or CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC? I was really pulling hard for some good elements from this film. All I got was Cruise's performance, the presence of Kevin Nash as Jaxx's bodyguard, some really talented pole-dancers, and a jokey boy-band song called "Undercover Love". That was the only song I want to remember this film for, not the wishy-washy covers.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
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