Monday, January 6, 2014

Worst Films of 2013

2013 was the Year of Major Disappointment. There often is some fan outrage and sourness with new films adapted from other popular works or fresh sequels from ongoing franchises, but the past year had a slew of shocking disgusts. According to Hollywood, the general public wanted to partake in disaster porn, where the normal human population is obliterated, crushed, decimated, and blown away by the actions of superheroes, star fleet captains, and G.I. Joe. Even if you weren't in the market for big explosions and big machismo, the new efforts by auteurs like Malick, Refn, and Blomkamp were all confusing messes. The year also gave us a ton of sequels whose stories could have been told in just 22 minutes with commercials instead of two full hours and a hefty post-production budget.

But nothing could compare to the horror at the state of the comedy genre last year. Not content with handling the "career" of Katherine Heigl, the genre was repeatedly dragged through the mud, due to the substandard efforts of the likes of Dennis Dugan, David Zucker, and Peter Farrelly. That is, when it wasn't being abused by ideas like "Men in Black but ___" or as a ringing endorsement for an internet company. Thankfully, much of the general populace let these bad comedies, along with the many, many other bad movies, be DOA at the B.O.

These are the films I have deemed the worst of 2013. It is not funny how long my worst-of nomination sheet was for the year of 2013. I could have nearly made a Top 30 list! Instead, I was able to just wrangle up 20 films that could rise to the top of inferiority.

Now comes the usual disclaimer that sadly everyone forgets to remember: This list is of my own opinion, not the general public nor the Internet consensus. If I didn't see the film at all or in its entirety, it isn't counted or considered to be included.


1. InAPPropriate Comedy

Conceived by Vince Offer, a.k.a. the ShamWow guy. Supposedly a comedy anthology film under the guise of iPad apps, this brain-tearing flick rests squarely on four recurring television shows, all of which consistently hit you over the head with racist and sexual humor. It's an ungodly atrocity, having no purpose but to entertain white bigots who whole-heartedly adore Candid Camera pranks. Even popular shock humorists like Andrew Dice Clay have some dignity and humanity, unlike Offer and this abomination.

2. Grown Ups 2

The film equivalent of Blink 182's "The Rock Show" music video, Adam Sandler and his Brigade of Friends (minus Rob Schneider, who had more important work with the above film) waste $80 million on a movie with no script, no purpose of plot, just so they can hang out and make crude jokes. Let me repeat: $80 million dollars for a deer pissing on people, a long walk through K-Mart, Nick Swardson continuing to be a blight on American society, and to pay the J. Geils Band for a cameo.

3. After Earth

Will Smith bought his son a big budget film, but he couldn't buy him talent, charisma, and emotions. No amount of scrubbing M. Night Shyamalan's name out of the previews could have sold this universally boring tripe to any viewer.

4. The Hangover: Part III

First problem: There is no hangover (the stinger doesn't count). Second problem: It's an Alan and Chow film, not the last encore of The Wolfpack. Third problem: It has a sitcom story, a plot which brings nothing new to the once beloved world of The Hangover franchise. An inexcusable middle-finger to fans and the American movie public.

5. Man of Steel

My most hated film of the year. I currently have no confidence in the future of Superman, in any form of entertainment, thanks to the grimy hands of Zack Snyder, David Goyer, and all those working in Warner Bros. and DC Comics.

6. Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

A true blue fiasco. Though sluggish at many times, this marriage melodrama is incredibly hilarious to watch with some friends and liquid snacks. Be ready to behold the "talents" of Kim Kardashian, the goofy plot twists, the spoonfuls of crazy Christianity, and the despicable direction of Tyler Perry.

7. Scary Movie 5

David Zucker and his motley crew were too early (Mama, Evil Dead), too late (Black Swan, Inception, Rise of the Planet of the Apes), and too lazy (the hap-dashed jab at Fifty Shades of Grey) with their parodies in this shoddily-produced sequel.

8. The Internship

The worst of the two Vince Vaughn vehicles, this stomach-churning infomercial for the heavenly virtues of Google had no only buying stock. Combined with its recent heinous practices of YouTube, it brought forth an extremely harsh public view of the popular search engine last year.

9. Evidence

You got your CSI in my found footage horror! You got my found footage horror in your CSI! Even if you can handle the implausibilities and the droll acting, the final plot twist just takes a huge dump in your eyes, ears, and hands. From the man who brought you The Fourth Kind.

10. Getaway

Taken but shot in Sofia, Bulgaria, this hard-to-watch car thriller crashed and burned in theaters. I say hard-to-watch because it doesn't want to stay on one shot more than a half-second, except for the one long take that some think was the sole highlight.


11. Movie 43

The other failed comedy anthology. Despite some game craftsmen like James Gunn and Elizabeth Banks, this major bomb consisted of sketches that all strictly rely on only one gag. Whether it was a scrotum neck, pervy Batman, pooping on your significant other, or being black, none of them can produce one single laugh.

12. Paranoia

The long lost spin-off of that classic Sandra Bullock movie, The Net. If you want to return to one of the worst sub-genres of the 90's and partake in the abysmal lead performance of Liam Hemsworth, you can have your fill, because no one certainly wanted to see it upon release or in the future.

13. R.I.P.D.

Continuing the sinking career of poor Ryan Reynolds, this hodge-podge of films like Men in Black, Ghost, and The Dark Knight was too confusing to follow or enjoy in any way.

14. A Good Day to Die Hard

This movie truly killed off the aura of John McClane. Transformed into a god-mode-on video game character, the once real action hero has lost all of his luster and charisma, thanks to the sheer no-fucks-given attitude of Bruce Willis and the talentless work of director John Moore and screenwriter Skip Woods.

15. Stranded

Christian Slater runs around super-dark corridors, plays with video recorders (which are actually book lights), and accepts the direction of the guy who gave us Battlefield Earth, in this Z-list Alien rip-off.

16. Aftershock

Labelled as being directed by Nicolás López, this has the complete immense stink of its writer/producer/star Eli Roth. Just another painful tourist-torture flick from the wannabe horror auteur.

17. The Big Wedding

Rich white families aren't funny anymore, as evident by this failed remake of a French film. Disheartening bedroom romps, the inability to grasp 21st century social and religious morals, and the most unbelievable husband ever for a pretty woman are included.

18. The Last Exorcism: Part II

Forgoing the found footage gimmick and working with a laughable title and an easily identifiable low budget, this non-necessary sequel puts Ashley Bell's character through the ringer again by cribbing from Black Swan, all before a stupid finale with special effects from Birdemic.

19. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

Causing myself to feel bad for giving the Best Script award to them for the 2011 season, the writers of Horrible Bosses unleashed this unbearably displeasing comedy about the most detestable magician working in Las Vegas, helmed by a stiff lead performance by Steve Carrell.

20. Battle of the Year

According to some high-school gossip, b-boying is not cool anymore, dawg. This causes a slumming Josh Holloway to train a group of dancers for the titled world competition. This could have been a guilty pleasure (truly guilty since Chris Brown stars in it), but it makes the cut due to its lack of observing the dancing maneuvers properly and its humongous displays of product placement, reaching an absolute low point with the latter when Netflix and the film Planet B-Boy pop up constantly. Not surprisingly, the documentary was the previous work of this film's director.

Next Up: The Best Films of 2013

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