Queen Of The Damned (2002)
Lestat (Stuart Townsend) wakes up from a 100-year nap to make shitty nu metal, piss off his vampire brethren, and eventually come into contact with Akasha (Aaliyah), the unholy mother of vampire-kind. QUEEN OF THE DAMNED is absolutely wretched in every possible way. Other than holding on to the rights of Anne Rice's prize book series after the success of INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE, what in the world did Warner Bros. see in this product? Practically all of the plot is virtually worthless, as the whole story doesn't matter in the slightest or have any tension at all until Lestat and Akasha meet in person. Before that, you have to dine on nearly a hour and a half of competing narrators, an origin story, dueling fiddles, a lot of frightful early 2000s attire and a lot of ear-splitting metal music from Korn's Jonathan Harris. All of this awful substance just so we can witness a brief awkward vampire sex scene set to Deftones' "Change (In The House of Flies)" and a limp finale where people are sucking off someone? But more importantly, what in the hell was up with the female protagonist played by Marguerite Moreau? She was a blank slate the entire time and if you really pay attention to the material in front of you, you will notice that nothing, not one thing she does matters in the scheme of things. Moreau may be duller than dirt but Townsend is so uncharismatic and unable to carry this picture in the slightest. I can't really say much about the late Aaliyah, as she just vamps up a pathetically overpowered seductress. Everything else is just so bad and boring, from the tedious direction by Australian nobody Michael Rymer to the dreadful special effects whenever a vampire moves really fast or even flies. I would gladly sit through TWILIGHT again and again before I ever come back to this because at least that product had purpose and a plot.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
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