Feast III: The Happy Finish (2009)
Wow, what a shocker, another dreadful film from director John Gulager and his idiot screenwriting buddies. At least this movie has a conclusion to the story, unlike the previous one which caused me to froth with ire. But we will get to that "conclusion" a bit later, so stay tuned. FEAST III: THE HAPPY FINISH continues the plight of the wooden female biker gang, the Mexican mini wrestler, and the romantic triangle no one gives two shits about as they search for further safety. Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton recycle the exact same scripted gags and stunts from the previous two films: useless new characters, meta subtitles, unceremonious deaths, overabundance of fecal humor, rape and pathetic retcons. Here, the latest story do-over is that the creatures' vomit causes people to turn into bloodthirsty mutants, instead of the well-established notion that it poisons the human body completely and transforms the person into a walking bag of rotting meat and pus. Also, the makers thought up the best idea: Let's have more than half of the film take place in the sewers, as well as including a battle scene that is totally unwatchable because of the huge amount of strobe lighting (those with epilepsy beware). Further crimes against humanity and film perpetrated by Gulager's direction include usage of stock music stings, more art school bullshit, and lusting over a dying woman's breasts while there are soaked in blood. This was painful to sit through but not as much as SLOPPY SECONDS; again, at least this putrid nonsense finally comes to an end. And as for that ending, I'll first let you take a guess before I spoil it for you. Okay, ready? It ends with all of the characters save for one being stomped on by a giant robot and then an Elvis-looking mariachi guitarist sings a cheeky overview of the franchise over the credits. Yeah. Congratulations Gulager, Dunstan and Melton; you three crafted the second worst horror film series in history.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
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