POLTERGEIST is a very poor modern substitute to the popular 1982 horror film. The mocking callbacks, altering of famous quotes, and hiding of the infamous sink scene are the least of this remake's problems as no-name director Gil Kenan and Pulitzer Prize-winning writer David Lindsay-Abaire crash and burn with their own spin. The supposed frights are cluttered way too close together, as in a scene having nearly five jumps and music stings in less than 30 seconds. Hell, you know this is going way too fast when you realize all of this paranormal peril is happening in three days. The makers are so focused on the icky orange and teal lighting scheme and video game-looking 3D effects, they neglected to put much care into characterization or making you care for the generically white unit. The story never explains how this debt-filled family was able to pay for a new house (why couldn't they get an apartment?), let alone a bunch of trivial presents with maxed out credit cards. The dialogue is punched up to be wit-filled and "too cool for school" but it becomes very annoying and utterly wasted since all of the actors, including Sam Rockwell and Rosemarie DeWitt, were badly directed by Kenan and/or clearly phoning it in. The original was dark, memorable, had selected usage of black comedy, and thankfully wasn't able to have CGI; this remake, on the other hand, is a near infuriating mess, cluttered with bad concessions, bad supervision, and just being bad.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
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