Blackenstein (1973)
Let's get the plot description over quickly because there's a lot of dreck to get through: A limbless 'Nam vet is being treated by his fiancee and her mentor in order to be grafted new appendages, only to be transformed into a pudgy, bloated, obese walking zombie due to an nefarious lab assistant. The funniest thing is that the guy was a fat bastard with lifeless delivery before he becomes a monster. My god, this is an absolute bowel movement of a film. This is how it opens: a jump cut of two people experimenting, the title card, a man slowly walking around his laboratory and touching things, then the rest of the opening credits. The rest of the film follows this jungly editing scheme, with people and scenes teleporting out of nowhere or the unbearable torture of watching the main monster walking for a long, long time. Direction and acting certainly can't save it, especially when suspenseful music is placed on unexciting breakfast scenes or we literally see a production hand's backside during a pointless 360 degrees shot. I still can't get over all of the inconsistencies and errors in judgment: What was the point of having a young 90-year old lady and some guy with a tiger leg? What's with the experimenting on a rabbit? Why is there a prison cell with wooden bars right next to the lab? What the hell was with that large police force storming some place? Why does Blackenstein drag white women into a warehouse? How come his medical clothes change into a leisure suit every time he ventures outside? Why does he have an urge to kill and indulge on people's inners? And ultimately, why the hell do the closing credits scroll vertically down? The last breaking point to your sanity is the fate of Blackenstein; we see him get punched and shot at but nothing seems to stop him. What instead does? Three police dogs that bite and rip his body apart. What an abnormal mess.
FINAL REVIEW: 1 / 5
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