My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)
Yep, I'm watching a 3D movie in the way it was always intended for: shamelessness and objects poking/flying towards the viewer. This is a remake of the 1981 cult classic, where an evil miner plunges his pick-axe into people and nicely decorates their severed hearts in Valentine chocolate boxes, as a delicious substitute for the ones with coconut in them. I'm not a fan of the original but this does improve on it in some cases. Director Patrick Lussier, who went on to do another cult 3D film DRIVE ANGRY with co-screenwriter Todd Farmer, knows to go the Jason Vorhees route with the 3D kills, which may dabble in CGI but are still tantalizingly gruesome. The best legitimately come during the prologue, where there's a path of destruction through a hospital and a tragedy-stricken mine. All I will say is that nothing can top "the shovel". As for the story, it makes some tonal changes to be more of a mystery, giving you several suspects despite the clearly muscular build of the killer, and some of the infamous deaths from the original are referenced and remodeled. However, it's very, very, very obvious who's the miner, even given away to you with a humorous yet straightforward clue. But what really sinks the ship is the conclusion; Firstly, after the murderer has been revealed, a fight breaks out between two people and another person on the sidelines, who has a loaded gun, does absolutely nothing, even though their friend could be killed or injured, which is what happens in the latter case. Then, despite standing right next to an explosive detonation, the bad guy somehow survives and walks off cleanly. So, the movie copies the basics of the original's finale, removed the famously creepy last shot and lines, then poured a mighty can of stupid all over it. The 3D is fine for home viewing, though it will hurt your sight after awhile, but you should beware purchasing this on the used market because you often will not obtain the SAW VI glasses that come with it. Not great but good with some popcorn, brewskis, and/or friends.
FINAL REVIEW: 3 / 5
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